Posted by wishingstar on September 10, 2006, at 10:51:02
In reply to Re: called a hotline » wishingstar, posted by ClearSkies on September 10, 2006, at 8:53:41
Thanks for asking clearskies.. I really do appreciate your concern and asking..
I dont know. I feel like I'm just in this.. bubble. Fog. I dont know. Sort of numb. I'm spending a lot of time just staring. You know when you get really, really ill (a bad flu or something) and youre happy just staring at the wall for hours? That me right now. I've never felt this way before.
I'm really scared. Not of the above feeling.. I dont know what I'm scared of. That feeling just keeps running through my mind. And it isnt an anxiety-related panic feeling... just a deep need to be held and taken care of. I'm too scared to do this alone right now. But I also dont have a choice. But at the same time, I'm not reaching out to anyone. I'm feeling safer by myself. I've always done it alone since I first got depressed at 16. I'll continue to.
The appointment on the 22nd feels too far away to even be real right now.
I think I'm going to call Laurie tomorrow and ask for an appointment she offered on Friday. Who knows how I'll feel by then.. maybe better. I dont know. I think thats one thing I'm afraid of... making a big step like going to the hospital and then waking up tomorrow and feeling fine again. And it having been a dumb decision.
I liked your analogy about the looking for a lifeline and getting dental floss. I feel a lot like that.
Tomorrow I will go meet with my graduate advisor. It's a meeting about my masters thesis. I'll have to tell her I havent done squat since we last met 2 weeks ago. She'll love that. But I just cant. But I'm so afraid I'm using this as an excuse because I dont WANT to do it (I dont)... I just dont know.
I'm sorry if my writing isnt all that coherent. I dont feel very "with it" right now.
I'm going to have lunch here in a minute and then leave me apartment. Maybe go to the craft store and the book store. For some reason, I always fall into this delusion that I have artistic ability when I get depressed. Hah. I also rented some movies and plan to spend the day laying on my floor, coloring in my coloring books, eating crap im not hungry for, and staring at the wall.
I also have an appointment scheduled with Anne for Wed. I think I might cancel it. I'm trying to decide who to let go of (anne or laurie) and sort of have both right now... but Anne isnt good for crises. Maybe I'll go to the drop-in emergency person at the counseling center tomorrow. I just dont know.
poster:wishingstar
thread:684616
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/684694.html