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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on September 6, 2006, at 21:00:29
How do you guys "fake it" in those situations or on those days when its the hardest? I mean, how do you act happy (or composed anyway) when inside you are a complete wreck? Sometimes its easier than other times.. like for me, I can walk through the mall and appear fine because I'm not talking or interacting with anyone, and no one is focused on me anyway. But what about those times when its really hard?
Here's the joke of the day (I hope you like irony). I work as a mentor for a bunch of college undergraduates who come from disadvantaged backgrounds. That's a good one, right? The job basically requires that I hold bi-weekly meetings with all 14 of them and also meet with them individually from time to time for lunch or something similar to see how theyre doing and be a big support system for them. Most of them have significant problems at home and/or emotionally, so it can be instense. I "teach" things like academic skills, dealing with problems with relationships, getting needs met, etc. Obviously I cant go in there looking like I havent gotten out of bed in 2 days (even if I havent). I have to act happy, supportive, and strong. As you all can imagine, that can be SO hard. I do truly care about them, but the depressed part of me just doesnt care one bit. I just cant do it. But it isnt a choice.
So how do you do it? How do you fake it when youre so very far from okay?
My T tells me I need to learn to self-soothe, but all I want to do is hurt myself to cope. That is self-soothing, right? Hah. I know, I know.
Posted by sleepygirl on September 6, 2006, at 21:27:54
In reply to faking it, posted by wishingstar on September 6, 2006, at 21:00:29
oh my goodness...how I relate to this post
some days I can't imagine that it's not completely obvious that I am a shivering, quivering wreck
I have this way of speaking....feels kind of like a script- it's hilarious really because much of the time I'm thinking "wow, I'm totally talking sh*t"- but I think you put it aside for a while - they say "fake it 'til you make it" right?
there is something to that I think, for me anyway, challenging the feeling (that ridiculously deep down overwhelming feeling-just to not minimize there ;-) that "I can't"honestly.. a big part has simply been the meds, which by the way don't make a dent in my horrible lack of self esteem- but it quiets the running commentary I seem to have about myself
there's something to be said for altruism- it can be good to be outwardly focused sometimes when you're feeling depressed. I've got my own experience with being in horrible sickly kind of pain around people (yuck)- like oh, I've just got this bleeding, gun shot wound- nevermind that! how are you? (not real gun shot there, but you get the metaphor)
I've used sick days for it, but barring that I focused on absolutely anything other than how I felt.I get that just wanting to hurt yourself thing- best for me to distract myself from that- nothing that brings a major mood overhaul, but enough for the moment..then to the next moment, and the next, etc
other than that: therapy, meds, art, journaling
I hope it eases for you soon
be well,
sg
Posted by muffled on September 7, 2006, at 1:15:42
In reply to faking it, posted by wishingstar on September 6, 2006, at 21:00:29
> How do you guys "fake it" in those situations or on those days when its the hardest? I mean, how do you act happy (or composed anyway) when inside you are a complete wreck? Sometimes its easier than other times.. like for me, I can walk through the mall and appear fine because I'm not talking or interacting with anyone, and no one is focused on me anyway. But what about those times when its really hard?
***I usu. just tell people I'm sick. or I got a migrain etc.
Guess you could say you struggle w/depression and are having a bad day.>
> Here's the joke of the day (I hope you like irony). I work as a mentor for a bunch of college undergraduates who come from disadvantaged backgrounds. That's a good one, right? The job basically requires that I hold bi-weekly meetings with all 14 of them and also meet with them individually from time to time for lunch or something similar to see how theyre doing and be a big support system for them. Most of them have significant problems at home and/or emotionally, so it can be instense. I "teach" things like academic skills, dealing with problems with relationships, getting needs met, etc. Obviously I cant go in there looking like I havent gotten out of bed in 2 days (even if I havent). I have to act happy, supportive, and strong. As you all can imagine, that can be SO hard. I do truly care about them, but the depressed part of me just doesnt care one bit. I just cant do it. But it isnt a choice.***Ya its ironic. But you human. My T is human. She's most definately not on the ball some days. She can be stressed bout personal stuff, or tired. But I like that she tells me that she got probs, so I don't think its just me.
>
> So how do you do it? How do you fake it when youre so very far from okay?
>
> My T tells me I need to learn to self-soothe, but all I want to do is hurt myself to cope. That is self-soothing, right? Hah. I know, I know.
>
***Well, mebbe snapping an elastic on your wrist?
Or the above ideas?
You got a tough row to hoe.
Depression is a really hard illness for all.
So misunderstood.
You on meds at all?
They helped me thru the worst parts.
Take care,
Muffled
>
Posted by wishingstar on September 7, 2006, at 20:17:14
In reply to Re: faking it » wishingstar, posted by sleepygirl on September 6, 2006, at 21:27:54
Thanks for the responses. I guess I dont really feel like I can be honest and tell people I'm suffering from depression... the truth is, no one wants to hear that. Plus, it'd be really inappropriate for me to tell the students I mentor that. It isnt meant to be a recriprocal relationship. I do lie and say I have a headache or I'm tired all the time though, like you suggested muffled. So much that I'm feeling like that excuse is getting old and people are going to stop believing it. Thats why I'm worried.
I am trying to get on meds. I've had a terrible time trying to get an appointment... different people telling me I needed to go different places, doctors not returning phone calls... finally I got one. But it isnt until the 22nd, and not even with the doctor I wanted. The doctor I wanted didnt have openings until Oct. Insane.
It does seem to help sometimes for me to keep busy, but right now I'm at a place where I just cant do most of the things I need/want to do. It's weird to say "cant" because I guess it is a choice, but I really do feel like I cant. It's just so hard. But I'm still going to my classes.. thats a plus. If they werent seminar style (5-10 people in class) I dont know if I would, but my absence would be too obvious.
I see my T tomorrow. Last session with the good T from the city where I was over the summer (driving back to see her one more time). T here in town, Anne, tried to drop me and I talked her out of it. That probably was a bad idea, since I know she isnt helping anyway... but I'm just not at a place where I can handle her dropping me right now. I just cant. I know it's never easy, but right now... no. I dont have any friends, and recently no boyfriend, so T is all I have right now, good or bad.
Posted by Dinah on September 7, 2006, at 20:43:40
In reply to Re: faking it, posted by wishingstar on September 7, 2006, at 20:17:14
I didn't realize you had convinced Anne that you were still getting benefit from seeing her. At least that gives you some time to decide what you want to do.
My father used to have this bluff hearty voice he'd use in company or on the phone. I could always tell if someone not in the family was around by Daddy's voice. I never liked it. Yet low and behold I find that I have a social voice too. And I'd guess the posture and mannerisms to match. I don't think mine is hearty. I think it's rather bright and distracted. Hard to say.
There are times I just can't fake it. When my anxiety (usually it's anxiety) short circuits my brain.
But I do think it's possible to disengage enough from what's real to put on a decent act with a bit of practice. Or maybe a bit of dissociation.
At least people seemed to believe Daddy's.
Posted by wishingstar on September 7, 2006, at 21:44:45
In reply to Re: faking it » wishingstar, posted by Dinah on September 7, 2006, at 20:43:40
Yes, it was just yesterday that I talked Anne into "letting me stay". I'd also seen her the week before and she'd basically said I shouldnt come back, and then I got very worked up about how I felt completely alone and all the things I mentioned in the last post.. it was just a horrible place to end a session, let alone a therapy relationship, so she let me come back. Over the course of the week, I managed to come up with a good enough presentation to get her to let me stay. Right now we're trying it for 4 sessions to see. Part of me is so glad she agreed, but part knows what I'm doing... holding onto a relationship that isnt all that beneficial to me, just because I'd rather have something bad than nothing. But I really am going to try with her. She wants to talk more about transference and how my feelings/behaviors today are related to my past... things I feel like I really already understand.. but I'm going to stop fighting her on it and try it for a few weeks. Maybe I'm wrong?
Anyway, that isnt what that post was about. I definitely have a voice like your fathers as well. The "this is all a show" voice, in my mind. It tends to work most of the time, but then occasionally my brain just checks out and I cant even gather the words anymore. Like recently. Part of it is probably just me being much harder on myself than normal because I'm already feeling badly, but I really do come off a little bit... scattered, I think. And like I'm trying too hard. That's how it feels anyway. Leading a group of students who are mostly "too cool for these meetings" (eyes rolling, checking watches, etc), even though theyre almost the only requirement of their full ride to college, doesnt help. The truth is, if it wasnt for the free laptop I'd lose if I left school (and left this program), I'd drop out. Dumb reason to make that decision, huh?
Maybe people believe the "fake self" more than I think they do.. you're right. I hope so.
Posted by happyflower on September 8, 2006, at 5:58:36
In reply to Re: faking it » Dinah, posted by wishingstar on September 7, 2006, at 21:44:45
Wishing star, I think a lot of people use their "fake self" a lot.
My T and I discussed this because I felt fake to some younger people who are starting to look up to me and ask advice and stuff. I am like how can I give advice on their personal relationships when mine (especially my marriage and childhood) are awful.
This is where we talked about like a heart surgeon can be a good doc even if he has a heart condition. I know he said something really good about this, but I forgot. LOLBut I think he was saying that people see something strong about you and they don't have to know all the bad stuff about you in order to help them. Something like that.
Posted by pegasus on September 8, 2006, at 9:16:05
In reply to faking it, posted by wishingstar on September 6, 2006, at 21:00:29
Sorry to be late to this thread, but I do want to respond. I know that feeling very well. Frankly, when I'm there, I don't fake it. I just am my miserable self, dragging my body through what it has to do. Sometimes people notice it, and I tell them I'm having a really hard time, which always scares them away and stops any further questions. But mostly, no one seems to notice.
I'm not advocating that approach. It's just the only thing I can do. If you can manage to fake it, even imperfectly, I can see that that would probably have a lot of advantages. Personally, I don't know how to fake it.
peg
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