Posted by wishingstar on September 7, 2006, at 21:44:45
In reply to Re: faking it » wishingstar, posted by Dinah on September 7, 2006, at 20:43:40
Yes, it was just yesterday that I talked Anne into "letting me stay". I'd also seen her the week before and she'd basically said I shouldnt come back, and then I got very worked up about how I felt completely alone and all the things I mentioned in the last post.. it was just a horrible place to end a session, let alone a therapy relationship, so she let me come back. Over the course of the week, I managed to come up with a good enough presentation to get her to let me stay. Right now we're trying it for 4 sessions to see. Part of me is so glad she agreed, but part knows what I'm doing... holding onto a relationship that isnt all that beneficial to me, just because I'd rather have something bad than nothing. But I really am going to try with her. She wants to talk more about transference and how my feelings/behaviors today are related to my past... things I feel like I really already understand.. but I'm going to stop fighting her on it and try it for a few weeks. Maybe I'm wrong?
Anyway, that isnt what that post was about. I definitely have a voice like your fathers as well. The "this is all a show" voice, in my mind. It tends to work most of the time, but then occasionally my brain just checks out and I cant even gather the words anymore. Like recently. Part of it is probably just me being much harder on myself than normal because I'm already feeling badly, but I really do come off a little bit... scattered, I think. And like I'm trying too hard. That's how it feels anyway. Leading a group of students who are mostly "too cool for these meetings" (eyes rolling, checking watches, etc), even though theyre almost the only requirement of their full ride to college, doesnt help. The truth is, if it wasnt for the free laptop I'd lose if I left school (and left this program), I'd drop out. Dumb reason to make that decision, huh?
Maybe people believe the "fake self" more than I think they do.. you're right. I hope so.
poster:wishingstar
thread:683784
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/684101.html