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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on August 28, 2006, at 16:53:16
Does anyone ever feel like you're just living one therapy session to the next?
I only go once per week, and soon, only once every other week. I just saw my T today and my next appt (next Wed) already seems impossibly far away. I count the days every single day of each week.. sometimes it feels like it's all I think about.
Even if I could afford it (I cant), it wouldnt be possible to go more often. I had my second to last session with Anne (T here at home) today.. we agreed/she told me/who knows that it just isnt working out between us. She seems to think this is a purely intellectual decision and everything is fine, while inside, I'm just dying. I know she isnt right for me, but I saw her for probably a year.. and I trust her.. it's so, so hard. And her not seeming to get that makes it even harder.
I'm going to be seeing Laurie, the T I saw over the summer, from now on I think. As you guys might remember, I was staying with my parents and saw her then. I'm back home now (got back about a week ago). It's a 2 hour drive, and I'm a full time student, so theres no way I can go more than once every other week. Theres just no way.
I called a psychiatrist last Tuesday. I've been putting off getting meds for financial reasons, but finally just broke down and did it. I figure I'll put it on a credit card. But you know what? A week later, and he still never called me back to schedule. I called and left another message today, but I already dont trust him. Oh well, he's just for meds anyway.
Everything is just wrong. I'm in my last year of a masters degree in a field I dont like nor plan on using. I just broke up with my long-term boyfriend, who was basically the only friend I have left in my town. Now I'm losing Anne. I feel so incredibly alone and unhappy. And I just dont know how to fix it.
Posted by happyflower on August 28, 2006, at 19:24:42
In reply to update/feeling bad, posted by wishingstar on August 28, 2006, at 16:53:16
((((((wishingstar)))))
I agree sometimes it feels like everything is going wrong in our lives. You are going through a lot right now, I hope you can get in to see your T and your Pdoc. Can your general doc precribe your meds?
I don't know what to say, because I feel like I am in the same boat as you. BUt I can give you hugs if you like. (((((wishing star)))))
Posted by wishingstar on August 28, 2006, at 19:32:12
In reply to Re: update/feeling bad, posted by happyflower on August 28, 2006, at 19:24:42
thanks happyflower.. I really need all the hugs I can get right now.
I dont have a regular doctor or a pdoc right now. Had pdocs in the past, but its been years and none of them are around anymore. As for the regular drs, my past history with psych meds has been pretty unsuccessful so I think it's important to go to someone who specializes in that, you know?
I'm sorry youre having a hard time too. Hugs back to you, if youd like them {{{{happyflower}}}}
Posted by happyflower on August 28, 2006, at 19:38:32
In reply to Re: update/feeling bad » happyflower, posted by wishingstar on August 28, 2006, at 19:32:12
You are probably right, you should see a p-doc for your meds. It sure seems like a lot of babblers are having such a hard time right now. It is kinda scary.
Thanks for the hugs by the way. :-) it always help. I am just nuts lately. I made a crock pot dinner for tonight but I forgot to turn it on. LOL What a day, but I tried.
So what else is going on with you?
Posted by sunnydays on August 28, 2006, at 20:45:51
In reply to update/feeling bad, posted by wishingstar on August 28, 2006, at 16:53:16
(((((wishingstar))))))
Sorry you're having a hard time. Can't offer much more than that right now, but I am thinking of you.
sunnydays
Posted by muffled on August 28, 2006, at 22:44:23
In reply to Re: update/feeling bad, posted by sunnydays on August 28, 2006, at 20:45:51
Posted by ElaineM on August 29, 2006, at 8:53:27
In reply to update/feeling bad, posted by wishingstar on August 28, 2006, at 16:53:16
((((((Wishingstar)))))) Nothing left but hugs to give really. It sounds like you think that maybe meds may help -- I think it was really good that you tried to seek out a pdoc on your own. And although it will hurt leaving Anne, I think it will be better that way. I know that she was someone you shared a big chunk of time with, but (as I'm trying to convince myself) it's the character, or quality of the sessions that ultimately matter -- you have been feeling so hurt and unheard by Anne lately. It will still be harder than hard though. When I left the first T I ever saw, I thought my heart was going to burst, even though we were fighting all the time and I spent most of our sessions shaking crying. I can't say much more without sounding like a hypocrite -- I know leaving her will still hurt.
I am glad though that you will be seeing Laurie, though it's too bad that it couldn't be more often. Have you asked her about networking the area? T's and pdocs often work in small circles. Perhaps she knows some -- and you could schedule the meetings and pick up meds on the days that you see her. OR even Anne -- she doesn't have any collegues who could help? I don't know, just trying to brainstorm :-)
I know what you mean about the "what am I doing" or "so alone" feelings. During my worst times I can't even look at couples walking down the street, and babies are sometimes a shot through the heart. And I'll ask myself how did I manage to make it through thousands of dollars of education at not find my passion for life? I don't know how to remedy that kind of hurt. It is hard to feel alone. I can't really take it myself. I'm sorry you feel something of the same. ((((((((((((Wishingstar)))))))))))
I know it's not enough, but you have a friend in babbleland -- a bunch.more hugs, EL
Posted by curtm on August 29, 2006, at 9:19:13
In reply to update/feeling bad, posted by wishingstar on August 28, 2006, at 16:53:16
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Posted by wishingstar on August 29, 2006, at 20:08:29
In reply to Re: update/feeling bad » wishingstar, posted by happyflower on August 28, 2006, at 19:38:32
lol sorry to hear about the crockpot! I;m right there with you though... I locked my keys in my car yesterday. House key included. I'd come right from therapy and my mind was on another planet I guess.
I've noticed that a lot of people seem to be having a hard time right now too. (Like I said, I read every day.. even though I dont post much). It seems to come and go in waves almost. :(
I called the pdoc Anne recommended again last night and left another message asking him to call me, even if just to say he isnt taking patients. It's been 6 full working days now. Of course, he didnt call back. I think I may just call someone else tomorrow... even if this guy does call back, I already dont trust him. But he's supposed to be really excellent with meds...
I cant believe I'm losing Anne. I have a history of staying in relationships that are bad just.. for the sake of being in them, I guess. I always have been able to manipulate people/situations so that the person will stay around or give in. I'm not at all proud of this... but its true. I'm fighting that with Anne. I've tried to talk her into doing it my way, but shes a therapist. She just wont budge. I'm losing and I dont like that. I was recently given the borderline diagnosis and its opened up a whole new awareness for me. 6 months ago, I didnt realize I was doing that even. But I do. I do it a lot. And I hate myself for acting in those ways, but I just cant change it. I dont know how.
Otherwise, I dont know. I'm lonely. Losing my therapist, losing my long-term boyfriend recently... I pushed all my old friends away about 10 months ago so I'm feeling incredibly alone now. Of course I could call them up, but honestly, I dont have the motivation to make the effort. As much as I hate being alone, I hate being with friends just as much. I miss Laurie so much. I mean, what kind of bozo just sits around home alone and lives therapy session to therapy session? Of course, if it were any of you I would never call you a name... I only hold myself to that one. I'm young, I'm at a university, I'm supposed to be out partying and loving life, right? As much as I hated staying with my parents over the summer, the transition back to having no one around, no noises, no people, has been difficult too.
I think I hang on to therapy, and the attention and "caring" involved, way too tightly because I'm not sure I can get it anywhere else. Growing up, it didnt matter what I did, good or bad, no one paid attention to me and what I cared about. Now, I feel like I cant get that attention and caring unless there's something majorly wrong. So in a way, I'm creating this for myself. I know I am. It feels like... like somethnig I could have gotten out of if I'd stopped in the very beginning. But now I'm just so far in, so depressed, its just reality. How can I ever hope to get better if I wont take advice and help myself? My T always says I need to force myself to go out and do things, do this or that... but I dont. I just cant. But that's really my own fault, isnt it? I feel like I'll be in this cycle forever and it's all my fault.
Rambling. Sorry. Thanks for asking what was going on... sometimes it helps to just know someone else is reading and hearing me. I wish I had the answers.
Posted by wishingstar on August 29, 2006, at 20:16:30
In reply to Re: update/feeling bad, posted by ElaineM on August 29, 2006, at 8:53:27
This pdoc who wont call back is actually the one Anne most recommended. She also mentioned another center, but I had some bad luck there in the past and would rather not go back. But it looks like it might be the only choice.
Those are the only 2 offices in town that take my insurance. I called Laurie today and left a message to ask her about pdocs up there.. but really, it'd be hard to manage that unless I could see someone the same days I'm up there seeing her. We'll see what she says.I know you're right that its the quality of sessions that matters. And I know you know how it feels. Even though I dont respond often, I've been reading your posts and following along. I'm sorry you're where you are right now. It sounds incredibly painful and difficult. It's so frustrating for me because I know that I have friends who would be there in a heartbeat if I called and needed them... but I wont call. I know I wont. As much as I say I just want someone to be there, some part of me doesnt too. Some part of me would rather just be alone. I'm not getting whatever it is I'm wanting out of my friendships, but really, theyre great friends.. I'm wanting something that isnt realistic. I just havent figured out what that something is yet. But I know what you mean... seeing people who appear so happy and relaxed can be hard sometimes. It just makes me want to hide.
I'm sorry you're hurting too. Even though our situations are completely different, I know how hard it is to try to leave someone who has felt like theyve cared and been there. {{{elainem}}}} hugs back to you, if you want them.
Posted by wishingstar on August 29, 2006, at 20:17:21
In reply to (((((wishingstar))))) » wishingstar, posted by curtm on August 29, 2006, at 9:19:13
This is the end of the thread.
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