Posted by wishingstar on August 29, 2006, at 20:08:29
In reply to Re: update/feeling bad » wishingstar, posted by happyflower on August 28, 2006, at 19:38:32
lol sorry to hear about the crockpot! I;m right there with you though... I locked my keys in my car yesterday. House key included. I'd come right from therapy and my mind was on another planet I guess.
I've noticed that a lot of people seem to be having a hard time right now too. (Like I said, I read every day.. even though I dont post much). It seems to come and go in waves almost. :(
I called the pdoc Anne recommended again last night and left another message asking him to call me, even if just to say he isnt taking patients. It's been 6 full working days now. Of course, he didnt call back. I think I may just call someone else tomorrow... even if this guy does call back, I already dont trust him. But he's supposed to be really excellent with meds...
I cant believe I'm losing Anne. I have a history of staying in relationships that are bad just.. for the sake of being in them, I guess. I always have been able to manipulate people/situations so that the person will stay around or give in. I'm not at all proud of this... but its true. I'm fighting that with Anne. I've tried to talk her into doing it my way, but shes a therapist. She just wont budge. I'm losing and I dont like that. I was recently given the borderline diagnosis and its opened up a whole new awareness for me. 6 months ago, I didnt realize I was doing that even. But I do. I do it a lot. And I hate myself for acting in those ways, but I just cant change it. I dont know how.
Otherwise, I dont know. I'm lonely. Losing my therapist, losing my long-term boyfriend recently... I pushed all my old friends away about 10 months ago so I'm feeling incredibly alone now. Of course I could call them up, but honestly, I dont have the motivation to make the effort. As much as I hate being alone, I hate being with friends just as much. I miss Laurie so much. I mean, what kind of bozo just sits around home alone and lives therapy session to therapy session? Of course, if it were any of you I would never call you a name... I only hold myself to that one. I'm young, I'm at a university, I'm supposed to be out partying and loving life, right? As much as I hated staying with my parents over the summer, the transition back to having no one around, no noises, no people, has been difficult too.
I think I hang on to therapy, and the attention and "caring" involved, way too tightly because I'm not sure I can get it anywhere else. Growing up, it didnt matter what I did, good or bad, no one paid attention to me and what I cared about. Now, I feel like I cant get that attention and caring unless there's something majorly wrong. So in a way, I'm creating this for myself. I know I am. It feels like... like somethnig I could have gotten out of if I'd stopped in the very beginning. But now I'm just so far in, so depressed, its just reality. How can I ever hope to get better if I wont take advice and help myself? My T always says I need to force myself to go out and do things, do this or that... but I dont. I just cant. But that's really my own fault, isnt it? I feel like I'll be in this cycle forever and it's all my fault.
Rambling. Sorry. Thanks for asking what was going on... sometimes it helps to just know someone else is reading and hearing me. I wish I had the answers.
poster:wishingstar
thread:680906
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/681284.html