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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by muffled on June 21, 2006, at 22:53:07
I am tainted and I don't know why?
My inside baby isn't.
But I am.
I can't seem to get it go away.
The feeling of being tainted.
I just know I am.
My heart hurts for the little tainted ones.
I hate me for being such an idiot cuz I an adult now and it shouldn't matter.
But it does.
And I don't even know why?
How do you stop something or make it go away when you don't even know why?
I can just feel it.
Revulsion.
I want to peel my skin but its inside too.
I know this must sound totally psycho, but I dunno how better to describe it?
Mebbe someone is like me too?
Mebbe someone knows how to make it go away?
I want it to go away.
Its hurting me.
Muffled
Posted by muffled on June 21, 2006, at 23:10:40
In reply to Long, dumb, *mebbe Trigger*?re:tainted inside, posted by muffled on June 21, 2006, at 22:53:07
Posted by gardenergirl on June 22, 2006, at 0:35:23
In reply to Long, dumb, *mebbe Trigger*?re:tainted inside, posted by muffled on June 21, 2006, at 22:53:07
Oh muffled.
It must be so painful to feel that way. Tainted is such a painful painful word to describe yourself.I know this probably won't help, because when something is inside, the healing has to come from inside, too. But you're not tainted. You're beautiful, just as you are. None of us are pure, untouched by pain or perfectly good. We all have our "shadow" side, as Jung would put it. We all have urges, fantasies, thoughts, and feelings that could be considered "bad". And that's okay.
I know that's hard to feel, and lord knows I struggle with it, too. But each of us is unique, and our "scars", both metaphorical and physical, are part of us. They represent experiences that are uniquely ours. There's beauty in that. It's hard to see through the pain. But there is beauty in being just as you are.
Safe hugs and peace to you tonight.
gg
Posted by Tamar on June 22, 2006, at 6:27:34
In reply to Long, dumb, *mebbe Trigger*?re:tainted inside, posted by muffled on June 21, 2006, at 22:53:07
(((((Muffled)))))> I am tainted and I don't know why?
> My inside baby isn't.
> But I am.
> I can't seem to get it go away.
> The feeling of being tainted.
> I just know I am.
> My heart hurts for the little tainted ones.
> I hate me for being such an idiot cuz I an adult now and it shouldn't matter.Why shouldn’t it matter? Stuff matters at any age.
> But it does.
> And I don't even know why?Often when people feel tainted it’s because they are taking responsibility for harm that was done to them when the responsibility really belongs with someone else. It’s bad enough to be hurt, but it is even more painful to believe that you were responsible for it.
The same is true of people who feel tainted by poverty or illness: people often feel ashamed of their poverty or illness because there is often an implicit blame attached to it. It is often assumed that the poor are poor because they are lazy or bad or stupid, and the ill are ill because they couldn’t be bothered to take care of themselves. And it is often assumed that individuals who have been harmed by other people did something to deserve it.
I think that happens because as a society we don’t like to take much responsibility for social problems. We say there should be less poverty, but it’s another thing to vote for higher taxes and more investment in welfare. We say that illness can be prevented, but we don’t want to drive the tobacco companies out of business. It’s more convenient to blame individual addicts for their lung cancer. I’ve heard people say, “They knew the risks; they should have stopped.”
Sorry; I know it sounds as if I’m talking about irrelevant things. But I think that sense of being tainted might come from a similar scenario. It seems to me as if safety might be a big issue to you, and maybe that’s where to start. I wonder if you believe that you are entirely responsible for your safety; that if something happens to you it’s your fault. That you need to be constantly alert and ready to prevent anything that threatens your safety. Maybe I’m completely wrong, in which case I’m sorry. But if there’s any truth in this, it seems to me that you might find it hard to believe that other people must be responsible for ensuring your safety (e.g. by not attacking you or by stepping in if you are under attack). And I believe that everyone around you is morally responsible for your safety. Perhaps you don’t feel you can trust other people to ensure your safety. I guess anyone would feel tainted in those circumstanes.
> How do you stop something or make it go away when you don't even know why?
> I can just feel it.
> Revulsion.
> I want to peel my skin but its inside too.
> I know this must sound totally psycho, but I dunno how better to describe it?
> Mebbe someone is like me too?Yes, I’ve had the feeling of wanting to peel my skin off. I also want every part of my body to shrivel up like a dead plant. I feel revulsion too. I don’t think you’re psycho. What you are describing is very common in people who have experienced trauma.
> Mebbe someone knows how to make it go away?
> I want it to go away.
> Its hurting me.I wish I could make it go away. I wish I could make you feel better. I don’t know how to make mine go away either, but I’m trying to find ways to comfort myself when I feel the revulsion. It’s so hard.
Posted by Poet on June 22, 2006, at 9:07:38
In reply to Long, dumb, *mebbe Trigger*?re:tainted inside, posted by muffled on June 21, 2006, at 22:53:07
Hi Muffled,
I call myself defective. It's like you feeling tainted. Something is wrong with me and I think I know why, but I don't know how to repair the defect.
I left my inner children in my therapist's office, so I guess she's watching over them, so to speak. Maybe you can find someone to take care of your inner children and give you a break? You can always send them to my T's office if you can't think of anywhere else they can stay until you're ready to take them back. Mine would like other kids to hang with. My T is probably boring them to tears.
Poet
Posted by B2chica on June 22, 2006, at 10:21:05
In reply to Long, dumb, *mebbe Trigger*?re:tainted inside, posted by muffled on June 21, 2006, at 22:53:07
Posted by muffled on June 22, 2006, at 10:49:36
In reply to Re: Long, dumb, *mebbe Trigger*?re:tainted inside » muffled, posted by gardenergirl on June 22, 2006, at 0:35:23
> Oh muffled.
> It must be so painful to feel that way. Tainted is such a painful painful word to describe yourself.***My other one is leper. I feel like there's so much badness that it oozes out and might taint others too.
I been working w/my T on that and I realize its illogical, just been there a very long time.
>
> I know this probably won't help, because when something is inside, the healing has to come from inside, too.***What does that mean?
Thanks GG.
Your great.
Hope you've chilled some after last night.
Muffled
Posted by muffled on June 22, 2006, at 11:09:29
In reply to Re: Long, dumb, *mebbe Trigger*?re:tainted inside » muffled, posted by Tamar on June 22, 2006, at 6:27:34
*THX for hugs
>Why shouldn’t it matter? Stuff matters at any age.
* I dunno, I just think its old, old stuff, and I have only the feelings and nothing else (which in of itself is weird, cuz what few memories I have are just visual and nothing else, no emotion, no sound, no smells, just pictures) I feel like I should be able to let it go. But it haunts me.(thats what my T said, something is haunting me-I think she thinks I won't tell her what, but REALLY i just don't know)
> Often when people feel tainted it’s because they are taking responsibility for harm that was done to them when the responsibility really belongs with someone else. It’s bad enough to be hurt, but it is even more painful to believe that you were responsible for it.
*yea, thats logical
>
> The same is true of people who feel tainted by poverty or illness:
people often feel ashamed of their poverty or illness because there is often an implicit blame attached to it. It is often assumed that the poor are poor because they are lazy or bad or stupid, and the ill are ill because they couldn’t be bothered to take care of themselves. And it is often assumed that individuals who have been harmed by other people did something to deserve it.*yeah, stupid but true.
>
> I think that happens because as a society we don’t like to take much responsibility for social problems. We say there should be less poverty, but it’s another thing to vote for higher taxes and more investment in welfare. We say that illness can be prevented, but we don’t want to drive the tobacco companies out of business. It’s more convenient to blame individual addicts for their lung cancer. I’ve heard people say, “They knew the risks; they should have stopped.*crazy world
>
> Sorry; I know it sounds as if I’m talking about irrelevant things. But I think that sense of being tainted might come from a similar scenario. It seems to me as if safety might be a big issue to you, and maybe that’s where to start. I wonder if you believe that you are entirely responsible for your safety; that if something happens to you it’s your fault. That you need to be constantly alert and ready to prevent anything that threatens your safety. Maybe I’m completely wrong, in which case I’m sorry. But if there’s any truth in this, it seems to me that you might find it hard to believe that other people must be responsible for ensuring your safety (e.g. by not attacking you or by stepping in if you are under attack). And I believe that everyone around you is morally responsible for your safety. Perhaps you don’t feel you can trust other people to ensure your safety. I guess anyone would feel tainted in those circumstanes.*yeah, I taken care of myownself for a long, long time. I've felt responsible for all my own actions and situations, for a long long time.
Part of me feels unsafe. I packed a knife and wore work boots when I was just like 8 or so. Young anyways.
Yet part of me fears nothing. It has no fear. I will walk in dangerous places in the city and not have fear. I sorta wish someone would take me on, then I could either pound them or be pounded. Either way is ok. But noone takes me on.> Yes, I’ve had the feeling of wanting to peel my skin off. I also want every part of my body to shrivel up like a dead plant. I feel revulsion too. I don’t think you’re psycho. What you are describing is very common in people who have experienced trauma.
*ohhh. Thats awful. What is behind the shrivel thing? Is it a hiding thing?
The skin peel thing is very visceral and specific. I try not to think of it cuz then I feel emotions and I don't like that.
> I wish I could make it go away. I wish I could make you feel better. I don’t know how to make mine go away either, but I’m trying to find ways to comfort myself when I feel the revulsion. It’s so hard.*yeah it is. Very, very hard. I am trying hard. Really hard. Its a lonely battle, cuz noone can help. I could phone my T, but there is nothing she could say that I don't already know.
Take it easy Tamar.
Are you still on the same AD?
I really think you should consider a change if the si is still bugging you alot.
I'm trying to get onto seroquel.
Its weird. I only take it at night, and its kindof a trip.
Sort of a cross btwn acid and pot.
Weird.
Then boom....I'm asleep.
See ya,
Muffled
Posted by muffled on June 22, 2006, at 11:24:02
In reply to Re: Long, dumb, *mebbe Trigger*?re:tainted inside » muffled, posted by Poet on June 22, 2006, at 9:07:38
> I call myself defective. It's like you feeling tainted. Something is wrong with me and I think I know why, but I don't know how to repair the defect.
((((Poet))))
>
> I left my inner children in my therapist's office, so I guess she's watching over them, so to speak. Maybe you can find someone to take care of your inner children and give you a break? You can always send them to my T's office if you can't think of anywhere else they can stay until you're ready to take them back. Mine would like other kids to hang with. My T is probably boring them to tears.*awwww. Thanks Poet :-)
My Kids are in the cave. Sometimes Damos will take them.
Weird how that sometimes works eh?
I used to think it was a bit silly, but it works.
Weird.
Thnks Poet.
I hope your kids can come back.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by muffled on June 22, 2006, at 11:25:02
In reply to (((((((muffled)))))))))) (nm), posted by B2chica on June 22, 2006, at 10:21:05
Posted by gardenergirl on June 22, 2006, at 11:44:03
In reply to Re: Long, dumb, *mebbe Trigger*?re:tainted inside » gardenergirl, posted by muffled on June 22, 2006, at 10:49:36
> > I know this probably won't help, because when something is inside, the healing has to come from inside, too.
>
> ***What does that mean?Just that I think we can hear others say things to counter our negative feelings and thoughts til our ears fall off, but until we feel that way inside, it doesn't have that much effect on the negative thoughts.
I'm doing better today. I hope you are, too.
gg
Posted by B2chica on June 22, 2006, at 11:47:52
In reply to thanks ((chica))((baby)) (nm) » B2chica, posted by muffled on June 22, 2006, at 11:25:02
thank you SOOOOOOO much muffled.
and even though it's very harsh i really understand your explaination of the leper. that just how i feel many times. that if you touch me or get near me that my gooey crud will taint you.it's such an awful feeling though.
please take care.
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