Posted by Tamar on June 22, 2006, at 6:27:34
In reply to Long, dumb, *mebbe Trigger*?re:tainted inside, posted by muffled on June 21, 2006, at 22:53:07
(((((Muffled)))))> I am tainted and I don't know why?
> My inside baby isn't.
> But I am.
> I can't seem to get it go away.
> The feeling of being tainted.
> I just know I am.
> My heart hurts for the little tainted ones.
> I hate me for being such an idiot cuz I an adult now and it shouldn't matter.Why shouldn’t it matter? Stuff matters at any age.
> But it does.
> And I don't even know why?Often when people feel tainted it’s because they are taking responsibility for harm that was done to them when the responsibility really belongs with someone else. It’s bad enough to be hurt, but it is even more painful to believe that you were responsible for it.
The same is true of people who feel tainted by poverty or illness: people often feel ashamed of their poverty or illness because there is often an implicit blame attached to it. It is often assumed that the poor are poor because they are lazy or bad or stupid, and the ill are ill because they couldn’t be bothered to take care of themselves. And it is often assumed that individuals who have been harmed by other people did something to deserve it.
I think that happens because as a society we don’t like to take much responsibility for social problems. We say there should be less poverty, but it’s another thing to vote for higher taxes and more investment in welfare. We say that illness can be prevented, but we don’t want to drive the tobacco companies out of business. It’s more convenient to blame individual addicts for their lung cancer. I’ve heard people say, “They knew the risks; they should have stopped.”
Sorry; I know it sounds as if I’m talking about irrelevant things. But I think that sense of being tainted might come from a similar scenario. It seems to me as if safety might be a big issue to you, and maybe that’s where to start. I wonder if you believe that you are entirely responsible for your safety; that if something happens to you it’s your fault. That you need to be constantly alert and ready to prevent anything that threatens your safety. Maybe I’m completely wrong, in which case I’m sorry. But if there’s any truth in this, it seems to me that you might find it hard to believe that other people must be responsible for ensuring your safety (e.g. by not attacking you or by stepping in if you are under attack). And I believe that everyone around you is morally responsible for your safety. Perhaps you don’t feel you can trust other people to ensure your safety. I guess anyone would feel tainted in those circumstanes.
> How do you stop something or make it go away when you don't even know why?
> I can just feel it.
> Revulsion.
> I want to peel my skin but its inside too.
> I know this must sound totally psycho, but I dunno how better to describe it?
> Mebbe someone is like me too?Yes, I’ve had the feeling of wanting to peel my skin off. I also want every part of my body to shrivel up like a dead plant. I feel revulsion too. I don’t think you’re psycho. What you are describing is very common in people who have experienced trauma.
> Mebbe someone knows how to make it go away?
> I want it to go away.
> Its hurting me.I wish I could make it go away. I wish I could make you feel better. I don’t know how to make mine go away either, but I’m trying to find ways to comfort myself when I feel the revulsion. It’s so hard.
poster:Tamar
thread:659989
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060615/msgs/660087.html