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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by llrrrpp on June 14, 2006, at 20:52:43
well, I haven't posted much on psychology lately. I guess I feel not so many deep feelings for my T. He's more like my coach, or my mentor, not really like a family member, or a lover. Not even a buddy really. I digress.
Here's my question. I realize perhaps I'm on the wrong board. Alcohol. Supposedly lessening inhibitions and all that stuff. Well, let's say, hypothetically that whenever the inhibitions are lowered I feel like hurting myself. Current promises prohibit me from cutting or scratching my translucent (and scabby) left arm up. Nevertheless, I find myself slapping me. Hard. What's that all about? I don't understand me. It's like I whack myself and then what? what did I gain from that? I don't have any blood drawn, no bruise, no one coming to rescue me. I have only been doing this cutting thing for about a month now. I was pretty suicidal, but I haven't gone there in 2 weeks now. at the time, I was on hunger strike. Now I'm injuring myself (well. slap isn't a real injury, but I like it. especially if I whack the same place a couple times in a row.) What the hades? Is this anger? Angry at myself? Kind of in a bad mood today. have to fight so hard against the depression. maybe... maybe I self medicated. hmm. Is this cutting/scraping thing an intermediate between suicide and a gleaming new 100% recovered me? (grin?)
Oh yeah, I have no T this week. I will only see him maybe twice in the next 8 weeks. Vacation schedule and all that. Is there somewhere I can buy a straitjacket to keep me out of trouble? I don't trust myself anymore. Today, all day, if I let myself go for even a few seconds, I can enter the depressed state of mind. like a switch. with all the cognitive effects and everything. quite amazing. the mind remembers exactly what it is to be depressed. the tension, the apathy, the anorexia, the anhedonia, the narrowing of attention, the self-hatred. All day, in and out, I lapse into this state. pulling myself out by my bootstraps. chatting with buddy online, playing a funny song, going for a walk, eating chocolate. Why do I have to try so hard to save me from myself?
Any thoughts?
with my undying love,
llfalluffally
Posted by fallsfall on June 15, 2006, at 8:15:38
In reply to psychology- why not? SI and alchohol. trigger?, posted by llrrrpp on June 14, 2006, at 20:52:43
It is a fight to keep from slipping into the depression - but a fight worth fighting. It is easier to fight to stay out of it (by distracting - like you are doing), than it is to climb out if you fall in.
It is much like a diet, or an addiction. My therapist told me that I was addicted to depression. But like a diet or addiction, you will have moments when you do better and moments when you don't do better. The goal is to increase the moments you do better. So don't beat yourself up about your slips.
Try to see if you can replace your actions (slapping, cutting) by words. See if you can put into words what makes you want to do those things. This is very hard. Sometimes I find it easier to draw (and I would not win the 2nd grade drawing contest!). Sometimes it is easier to express non-verbally. If you can figure out how to express what is eating at you, then you may find it easier not to act on it.
That's a long time to not see your therapist at this stage. Can she give you the name of someone else who you can see when she isn't around? It isn't the same, but I have found it better than nothing. And check into Camp Comfort. It is there not only to console those of us who are helplessly dependent on our therapists, but also there to help those of us who need their advice.
Distraction seems like a cheating way out - but it really is a valid technique. Not only does it push the dark thoughts away, but it gives you the chance to experience GOOD moments. Those good moments provide their own chemical feel-good-ness. So they can be healing in their own right. It can feel very artificial to keep pushing yourself do to "fun" things when all you want to do is disappear into the pit, but it is a valid and helpful thing to do.
(((llrrrpp)))
Posted by llrrrpp on June 15, 2006, at 8:36:11
In reply to Re: psychology- why not? SI and alchohol. trigger? » llrrrpp, posted by fallsfall on June 15, 2006, at 8:15:38
Thanks Falls,
I see pdoc today
don't really know him that well, but at least someone who can listen to me. he's sympathetic. has a caring face. ironic- my T (also a guy) is kind of a tough cookie and my pdoc is the softie. Well, not softie, he asks me hard questions too, but somehow... well, let's just say he reminds me of a benevolent muppet.Distraction sometimes requires a lot of energy. Last night, for example, I watched a DVD, Casanova (very good for eye candy, no triggers, which is good, easy plot to follow, reminded me of my trip to venice, nice pseudo-baroque music, etc) and I played on p-babble. I stopped after 4 glasses of wine (half bottle) which is good. And I ate a real dinner. healthy even.
I hate the fight though. The last 6 days I've had 2 days where things were kind of feeling up. and 1 neutral day. 2 days that were very very dark. and I don't know anymore.
I'm going out of town 3 weeks in July, and 10 days in August. Maybe I'll ask T about telephone sessions. sounds kind of strange, but better than talking to myself?
yours,
-ll
Posted by Poet on June 15, 2006, at 8:52:16
In reply to psychology- why not? SI and alchohol. trigger?, posted by llrrrpp on June 14, 2006, at 20:52:43
Hi llrrppp,
I don't have deep feelings for my T, either. If you are comfortable doing phone sessions with yours, it might help you get through the period where you can't meet face to face. Mine doesn't talk to me for an hour, it's not like a full session, but even 20 minutes can help. Especially when it's on my lunch hour at work and I'm in my car crying. Not that I do that. Ha.
The logical part of me knows that drinking doesn't help me in the long run, but last night it helped me sleep without taking Seroquel, so more power to the grape. I don't drink every night, as my T says, I don't find excuses like *the sun was out today, I need a drink.* It's related to trying to console myself for feeling like a failure. No lectures from me on your drinking.
My form of SI is bingeing and purging, which I also did last night. Love those little broken blood vessels around my eyes. So attractive. So me. Anyway, see if your T is okay with some phone calls when you can't meet in person. They help me and I'm pretty damn hard to help.
Poet
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