Posted by llrrrpp on June 14, 2006, at 20:52:43
well, I haven't posted much on psychology lately. I guess I feel not so many deep feelings for my T. He's more like my coach, or my mentor, not really like a family member, or a lover. Not even a buddy really. I digress.
Here's my question. I realize perhaps I'm on the wrong board. Alcohol. Supposedly lessening inhibitions and all that stuff. Well, let's say, hypothetically that whenever the inhibitions are lowered I feel like hurting myself. Current promises prohibit me from cutting or scratching my translucent (and scabby) left arm up. Nevertheless, I find myself slapping me. Hard. What's that all about? I don't understand me. It's like I whack myself and then what? what did I gain from that? I don't have any blood drawn, no bruise, no one coming to rescue me. I have only been doing this cutting thing for about a month now. I was pretty suicidal, but I haven't gone there in 2 weeks now. at the time, I was on hunger strike. Now I'm injuring myself (well. slap isn't a real injury, but I like it. especially if I whack the same place a couple times in a row.) What the hades? Is this anger? Angry at myself? Kind of in a bad mood today. have to fight so hard against the depression. maybe... maybe I self medicated. hmm. Is this cutting/scraping thing an intermediate between suicide and a gleaming new 100% recovered me? (grin?)
Oh yeah, I have no T this week. I will only see him maybe twice in the next 8 weeks. Vacation schedule and all that. Is there somewhere I can buy a straitjacket to keep me out of trouble? I don't trust myself anymore. Today, all day, if I let myself go for even a few seconds, I can enter the depressed state of mind. like a switch. with all the cognitive effects and everything. quite amazing. the mind remembers exactly what it is to be depressed. the tension, the apathy, the anorexia, the anhedonia, the narrowing of attention, the self-hatred. All day, in and out, I lapse into this state. pulling myself out by my bootstraps. chatting with buddy online, playing a funny song, going for a walk, eating chocolate. Why do I have to try so hard to save me from myself?
Any thoughts?
with my undying love,
llfalluffally
poster:llrrrpp
thread:657075
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060604/msgs/657075.html