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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by bent on June 8, 2006, at 11:57:13
I have to make a decision over something that has had me nauseous all week now. I know a long time ago I had a post on here about knowing where my T lives. Its not that I just know where she lives, but I have a family member that lives in that same neighborhood. And even though I know I’m not supposed to be looking out for my T, I never told her about this because I was afraid she’d be uncomfortable and, at worst, reject me. The rational me say why would she do that?? This is totally coincidence. So four years later I still haven’t told her. Hasn’t bothered me all that much but I think subconsciously it’s like having a secret hiding in me. Things seem to have (coincidentally) made a bad turn this past weekend. While visiting with family members (NOT the ones that live close to my T- not even related) an aunt of mine asked very nicely and sensitively if I was still in therapy. She understands my crazy family and believes my therapy is a good thing. Her daughter, my cousin, was sitting next her when my aunt asked, “who is your therapist again?” I told her. And my cousin comments on how familiar my T’s name sounds. And then she realizes and tells me that she and my T’s daughter graduated from high school together! My mind imploded! My mind was screaming “NO NO NO. I am not supposed to know these things!” It has taken me years to just accept and not be jealous of my T’s daughter and now this. My cousin talked about ‘the daughter’ for a minute or two and I eventually got the subject to change. Now it’s making me crazy!! Part of it is that it hurts because of all the maternal transference, but I know I can work through that part. It will dissipate. What worries me is that I don’t think I can keep this stuff secret anymore. I think I have to tell her. If I don’t it will always be on my mind. But here is the part that’s making me sick….what if my T is uncomfortable with my knowing these things? I am so so scared and upset thinking that this is a threat to our relationship. A relationship I really need right now. I so don’t know what to do. I am so afraid she is going to leave me. I swear one of our goals in therapy has been for me to learn that she isn’t going to abandon me. I am wondering if she will see this all as a big coincidence, but at the same time I am sure she has limits. I don’t know what to do.
Posted by wishingstar on June 8, 2006, at 14:23:54
In reply to Cant keep this secret from my T anymore, posted by bent on June 8, 2006, at 11:57:13
Hi.. I too know where my therapist lives, also by accident.. although not because I have relatives nearby. I drive around town a lot when I feel bad, and we live in a small town.. one day, I drive by a house and her car is parked in front. I guess I dont know for sure that it was HER house, but I assume it is. I agree with what you said about it feeling like a huge secret. Like I read someones diary or something. But your rational side is right - its just a coincidence.
I dont know your T, but I sincerely doubt she will be upset with you when you tell her. After all, it's not as if you went searching for her, and you havent acted inappropriately or crossed any boundaries with the knowledge (like going to her house, etc). I cant imagine that she would leave you just for knowing. If you've known where she lives for so long, and you've never violated her space before, I'm sure she'll feel safe and confident that you wont violate it now. Besides, if you were going to, why would you come clean and tell her you know where she lives now? It wouldnt make sense. You'd want it to be a secret that you knew. I think she'll be glad that you told her, and even if she does feel a little strange, I dont think you have anything to worry about. I'm sure you'll feel great once you get it off your chest too.
I'm having trouble forming coherent sentences today, so I hope that made sense. Let us know how it goes.
Posted by TherapyGirl on June 8, 2006, at 15:47:09
In reply to Cant keep this secret from my T anymore, posted by bent on June 8, 2006, at 11:57:13
Bent, I can't imagine that your T would abandon you for knowing these things. I have always known where my T lives and she has almost always known that I know.
I think telling your T, though, will allow the two of you to have a really good conversation about your relationship and your fears of abandonment. Good luck with it.
Posted by annierose on June 8, 2006, at 18:31:53
In reply to Cant keep this secret from my T anymore, posted by bent on June 8, 2006, at 11:57:13
Your T will probably be more interested in why you kept it a secret than you actually knowing where she lived.
I can see why it might feel like she will be mad at you. But as the others have said, you have not violated her boundaries prior and you will not violated them now. I, of course, would have asked my cousin a ton of questions about her daughter, but that would be me. I am curious so I would want to know more information.
It's okay. You are okay. You have not done anything wrong.
Posted by Daisym on June 8, 2006, at 19:59:56
In reply to Cant keep this secret from my T anymore, posted by bent on June 8, 2006, at 11:57:13
The past two Fridays in a row I have had major melt downs over running into things from my therapist's personal life, including seeing him out shopping. It rocked me, and I am embarrassed by how upsetting it was (is). Especially the second time in a week. But because I was upset and worrying about it, I HAD to tell him. I told him I wanted to crawl under the couch and tell him from under there...but I didn't. I just told him and suffered through the embarrassment because I needed to let go of it and I couldn't do that if I kept it a secret from him. He said he knew something was wrong the minute I walked in the room, he just wished it hadn't taken me 1/2 the session to tell him. He said he HATES knowing somethings up, usually about him, and I'm not talking about it. He said my unconscious is virtually shouting at him though...
That is my long-winded way of saying, "tell her." You will sort through it, it is scary but it will be worth it. Your therapist has shown her steadiness, don't you think you'd know, after 4 years, if she was really sensitive about stuff like this?
Good luck!
Posted by fairywings on June 9, 2006, at 19:58:18
In reply to Cant keep this secret from my T anymore, posted by bent on June 8, 2006, at 11:57:13
Hi Bent,
I remember your original post on this and how upset you were. I completely understand how you feel, the maternal transference, and how afraid you are of abandonment.
How much has your T shared with you about herself? Does she tend to be pretty open? Or is she completely private? Maybe that will give you some clue as to how she will respond to you.
Maybe if you tell her upfront how afraid you are of abandonment, she'll realize what a big issue this is for you. I'm sure she'll understand you aren't going out of your way to see her when she isn't aware. Just the fact that you're so concerned about how her feelings seems to indicate you wouldn't violate her trust.
I hope you're able to talk to her about it because it seems to really be eating you up.
fw
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