Posted by bent on June 8, 2006, at 11:57:13
I have to make a decision over something that has had me nauseous all week now. I know a long time ago I had a post on here about knowing where my T lives. Its not that I just know where she lives, but I have a family member that lives in that same neighborhood. And even though I know I’m not supposed to be looking out for my T, I never told her about this because I was afraid she’d be uncomfortable and, at worst, reject me. The rational me say why would she do that?? This is totally coincidence. So four years later I still haven’t told her. Hasn’t bothered me all that much but I think subconsciously it’s like having a secret hiding in me. Things seem to have (coincidentally) made a bad turn this past weekend. While visiting with family members (NOT the ones that live close to my T- not even related) an aunt of mine asked very nicely and sensitively if I was still in therapy. She understands my crazy family and believes my therapy is a good thing. Her daughter, my cousin, was sitting next her when my aunt asked, “who is your therapist again?” I told her. And my cousin comments on how familiar my T’s name sounds. And then she realizes and tells me that she and my T’s daughter graduated from high school together! My mind imploded! My mind was screaming “NO NO NO. I am not supposed to know these things!” It has taken me years to just accept and not be jealous of my T’s daughter and now this. My cousin talked about ‘the daughter’ for a minute or two and I eventually got the subject to change. Now it’s making me crazy!! Part of it is that it hurts because of all the maternal transference, but I know I can work through that part. It will dissipate. What worries me is that I don’t think I can keep this stuff secret anymore. I think I have to tell her. If I don’t it will always be on my mind. But here is the part that’s making me sick….what if my T is uncomfortable with my knowing these things? I am so so scared and upset thinking that this is a threat to our relationship. A relationship I really need right now. I so don’t know what to do. I am so afraid she is going to leave me. I swear one of our goals in therapy has been for me to learn that she isn’t going to abandon me. I am wondering if she will see this all as a big coincidence, but at the same time I am sure she has limits. I don’t know what to do.
poster:bent
thread:654489
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060604/msgs/654489.html