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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Karolina on June 3, 2006, at 15:54:57
One of the posts about asking for hugs made me think about something. My T has already given me a hug, it was a very emotional time because I had to leave for school in a different city. We had been seeing each other on a weekly basis and this was the first time we wouldn't be seeing each other for several months. I had been upset and he could tell, once we were out of his office he turned around and said 'come here' quietly, holding out his arms.
He held me for like 10 minutes. Neither one of us spoke and when we finally pulled away we did so slowly. It felt really good but then I doubt that he even remembers it. Anyway, my point is that I am going to have to leave soon to go far away again, and of course I know I will be extremely emotional. and of course I know I will want another hug. But I'm freaking out because what if he doesnt offer one like last time?
It probably seems like a stupid issue to worry about. But because of how things ended last time, it's like if this time doesn't end in the same way I will be extremely crushed. We never brought up the hug during a conversation afterwards, nor have we ever brought up that particular appointment and how it made me feel. When it gets closer to the end, should I bring this issue up? or how I want another hug? I can't believe I am having anxiety over this but I know it's because he means so much to me...
-Karolina-
Posted by curtm on June 3, 2006, at 17:16:34
In reply to hugs..., posted by Karolina on June 3, 2006, at 15:54:57
I don't like hugging in person. I like electronic hugs. Maybe that's because I get more affection here than at home. Thanks guys.
Posted by ElaineM on June 4, 2006, at 11:30:56
In reply to hugs..., posted by Karolina on June 3, 2006, at 15:54:57
Touch is such a difficult subject. I always think I want it, to prove I'm not the ugliest female alive, to validate that I deserve to be around others, to prove my T cares, is listening. After a year in therapy he started touching me out of nowhere, and now I'm so anxious and scared in therapy. At least while it is happening. But then when it doesn't, it sort of makes me want to crumble. How can I want it when it doesn't happen, but then feel like I'm gonna throw up when it does?
I've read some of your posts before and we have somewhat similar situations. I've just been too afraid to post because I worry that my T could read this and he would get angry, or get rid of me, and I'm terrified to being alone with my problems.
Maybe you could ask your T if it would be alright to hug before you part. Because if you leave it to the last meeting and ask for one he could say no because you wouldn't have any time to "process" it. But if you talked about it, even if it doesn't happen, you could at least hear his justification why. At least you could get some version of closure on the issue, even if it is not the end you'd prefer. Then again, maybe you will get your hug.
I can't give much advice beyond that because I'm not good at controlling situations I get myself into. I follow whomever is leading, however he leads. Are you at all concerned that a prior ten-minute hug, plus knowing you're parting with each other, could lead to further contact, or turn out of control? I don't know if you'd be comfortable discussing that part with your T. I could understand if part of you would want that. Half the time I think that's what I want. Other times it sounds like the ultimate nightmare outcome.
I'm sorry that I can't offer better suggestions. Probably cause your situation reminds me of me. Let me know what you decide to do. I rely alot on reading this board to not feel like an alien freak-show when it comes to having difficulties with the T relationship. I don't know anyone else in therapy, and I'm ashamed enough of my situation to mention it to others. Plus I don't have people in my life that I trust. I know that it might be annoying for others to read (and I feel stupid that this issue has become such a big part of by lonely life lately) but I don't have anywhere else to turn. I wouldn't wish these problems on anyone else, but reading of others going through something similar (even though I'm usually too paranoid to respond) makes me feel less alone.
Thanks for sharing. Good luck with your T. It will probably be tough either way.
El
Posted by fairywings on June 5, 2006, at 14:08:27
In reply to Re: hugs..., posted by ElaineM on June 4, 2006, at 11:30:56
Maybe you could tell him how much it meant to you last time...it got you through a tough time, and ask if you could have another hug before you leave again. Like Elaine said if you do it now, you'll at least be able to talk about it...but I know it's easier said than done because I want to talk about it too, and I'm not sure I'll be able to. It does feel good to be held doesn't it? When my husband just holds me I feel so safe and secure.
fw
Hey CURT...............((((((hugs))))))
fw
Posted by Karolina on June 6, 2006, at 23:14:54
In reply to hugs..., posted by Karolina on June 3, 2006, at 15:54:57
thanks curtm, ElaineM and fairywings.
fairywings - that's a good idea to talk about it beforehand, to kind of 'prepare' myself for the last appointment but also to let him know how I feel about the hugging situation. It'd be good to talk about, because that way I wouldn't feel devastated on the last day if he didn't offer one. And even if we do talk about it and he says it's not acceptable (which would kind of make me mad, seeing as he already had given a hug, and an intimate hug at that) then I can be able to share how that makes me feel.
ElaineM - I really worry about my T stumbling across my messages too. This might come off wrong but in what ways does your T touch you? (I don't mean necessarily in a sexual way, but wondering if it's like hugs or a hand on the shoulder type of thing) I can see how that would kind of make you feel uneasy because you probably weren't expecting it when he just started to randomly. I felt nervous the times my T touched me too. I wanted it, but then felt kind of nervous if he actually did. I agree. Touch is a difficult subject to talk about and process the meanings behind it. It was strange but after my T and I had pulled apart, he kept his hand on my shoulder and continued to look at me. His eye contact was so intense I had to look off to the side. Maybe it was imagination but he was standing so close to me and it felt like he was thinking about kissing me. I do often fantasize about situations going out of control with him...
curtM - here's an (((electronic hug))) =)
-Karolina-
Posted by ElaineM on June 7, 2006, at 16:23:55
In reply to Re: hugs..., posted by Karolina on June 6, 2006, at 23:14:54
I don't mind you asking things, but I never know what my stupid fear of responding will let me answer. It hasn't been sexual. Usually it's just a hand on the outer-thigh, or holding my hands, or stroking my face. We've had extenda-hugs too. When I read what you wrote about the pull-back & pause scenario I could really relate. That weird feeling where time seems to hang and your brain goes, "Holy crap, I think he could kiss me!" And then there's when you start to release from the hug like normal, and you can feel him place a fraction more pressure on your back.
It sounds like I'm talking about a boyfriend or something. I'm such a slutty loser. What is happening? I know I don't want to sleep with him at all. But I also know that if he initiated, I couldn't say no. I mean, I doubt it will happen. He's a father. I'm 25. I'm so afraid. And I'm alone in life right now. If something were to happen, I'd rather let it and accept it as a necessary trade-off to isolation. But I do sometimes feel special. I do think he cares, and would not want to hurt me.
Often I wish I had a female T. But I don't think I'd be able to feel as protected. But I'm not though, I'm a mess after every session. Then when nothing happens my heart feels broken. Like I'm not even worthy of being around another person. I'm always upset either way. I don't know. I don't know anything. I don't care.
I feel extra paranoid now.
El
Posted by Karolina on June 8, 2006, at 1:18:29
In reply to Re: hugs... » Karolina, posted by ElaineM on June 7, 2006, at 16:23:55
Thanks for sharing your experiences with this type of thing. He sounds pretty intense. I wish my T did some of that, but I know that sounds ridiculous. I feel alone right now, so it's like I am craving any kind of touch. That same thing kind of happened to me as we were letting go from the hug...he had been holding me so tight that as he let go, I instantly felt my shoulders relax from the pressure he had put on my back.
Sometimes I feel like I am talking about a boyfriend too. but please don't think you are a slutty loser! but I do understand how it feels to feel that way sometimes. I often seem to become a mess after sessions as well...it's like if he didn't touch me or give me positive comments/compliments, then I feel like so let down. It kinda makes me mad. Like - had he never touched me or said certain things, I wouldn't feel that pressure or worry right now of things having to go a certain way. Because if they don't go that certain way then I'll feel like crap.
Therapy is so hard sometimes...especially with a male T. I've tried to see female Ts but just as you said, I didn't feel as protected or something.
This is the end of the thread.
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