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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by starloree on June 3, 2006, at 13:28:27
i don't know if this would be a trigger, just thought it could be. anyways okay so i have had a crush on my T for the longest time, it is not transference (he doesn't even think so), but i can't stop thinking about him, and we talk about my feelings sometimes and get really deep about it...anyways so i KNOW that nothing will ever happen, but i also KNOW that i can't accept that! so the last time i saw him, he said, after we had been talking about it "but you KNOW that this is never going to happen, right?" and that made me tear up, and i said yeah. and of course he asked how i felt about that, and i just said not good. anyways after that session i left very depressed, even though that statement was nothing knew to me, but i was very depressed and thought about harming myself, which i haven't thought about and really wanted to do in a LONG time. and i also thought about drinking, just getting drunk, wishing that i were the type of person who drank to forget her troubles, but i am not like that, i don't drink much at all, but if i do, it's usually if i go out and am having FUN, not depressed. so i thought of that the same day.i also thought of having sex, and i don't get horny all that often, but it started that night and i started thinking about sex the rest of the week, thought about it the whole time, not with my T, but with anyone. and actually, recently, a guy friend who i used to work with moved to town, and we'd been hanging out. i don't find him attractive in the least, but he is a good guy, i talk about everything with him, very open minded. so while i was inspecting apartments (my job this summer), they were vacant, i practiced how i would approach this friend of mine about having sex, but with no attatchment, and not letting it ruin what we have, there would be no relationship attatched to the sex, just sex. i thought about this and practiced all week. also, while inspecting these vacant apartments, i thought about....and i am SORRY if this hurts anyone or upsets anyone to read this.....i thought about how i wish there was just a guy in the closet who would jump out and, well, rape me. i've had similar thoughts like that before, but...not really. and i know it is NO coincidence that i am all of a sudden thinking all these things after my emotional session. but anyways, i DID end up talking about it and doing it with my friend. and afterwards we were fine, ta;lking just like normal. the sex didn't do anything for me, and i didn't really EXPECT any satisfaction, but i wanted sex, and i did it with him. i don't regret it really, but i just hope i won't start doing this everytime i get upset. see, i am seperated right now from husband and we are getting divorce for sure, and we agreed to see other people (although he probably won't, he's kind of still stuck on me), and i have never been one to have casual sex, and so i figured if i did it with someone i trusted, but wasn't in a relationship with, it would kind of be like casual sex, cause the only other times i have had sex is with someone i was in a relationship with.
anyways i guess i just wanted to get this out there, if any of you have any input, i'd appreciate it!
thanks
starloree
Posted by Larry Hoover on June 3, 2006, at 13:36:34
In reply to sex after.......? maybe a trigger?, posted by starloree on June 3, 2006, at 13:28:27
> anyways so i KNOW that nothing will ever happen,
> and of course he asked how i felt about that, and i just said not good. anyways after that session i left very depressed, even though that statement was nothing knew to me
What a superbly Freudian typo!
> but anyways, i DID end up talking about it and doing it with my friend.
FWB.
Friends, with benefits.
It sounds to me that you're adjusting just fine, only you're just in the middle of the whole shlamozzle.
This too shall pass, and all will be well.
Lar
P.S. I don't feel qualified to weigh in on that specific fantasy you mentioned.
Posted by starloree on June 3, 2006, at 13:58:19
In reply to Re: sex after....... » starloree, posted by Larry Hoover on June 3, 2006, at 13:36:34
i didn't catch that!! that is pretty funny, the Ftypo! yeah, i just don't want to do that all the time, the friend said that i can just let him know if i do want to do it again (and by the way, he doesn't know about why i've been wanting to have sex, pretty much to COPE, he just thinks i've been horny, as i told him i have been), but so, the opportunity will be there, but i hope i don't get hooked on using that to cope. i don't think i will, i am pretty much a control freak, so i don't really like the thought of being so irresponsible (i DO NOT need a baby right now in life!) even though we use protection of course. but yeah, thanks for your comments!
starloree
Posted by Tamar on June 3, 2006, at 14:37:21
In reply to Re: sex after......., posted by starloree on June 3, 2006, at 13:58:19
About the rape fantasy thing: it's extremely common, and it DOES NOT mean you want to be raped. It's particularly common in people who have been raped or sexually assaulted, but plenty of people with no history of being assaulted have rape fantasies.
In people who have been raped it can be a way to try to imagine a similar experience but with less trauma and distress.
Also, many people who have been sexually assaulted have fantasies about being a rapist. It's totally normal (and very common in men who have been abused in childhood) and it doesn't mean they want to rape anyone. It's also very common for people who have been abused as children to have fantasies about abusing children. It DOES NOT mean they are a danger to children; it's a way of processing their *own* experience.
Whether or not people have been raped, a rape fantasy is often a way of imagining having a powerfully physical sexual experience without the necessity of have an emotional experience. A rape fantasy can involve the idea of being allowed to have dangerous and limitless sex without the fear of becoming emotionally entangled.
Sometimes the emotions that happen during sex (or rape for that matter) can be scarier than the physical aspect of the experience.
Just my two cents...
Tamar
Posted by Karolina on June 3, 2006, at 15:11:09
In reply to sex after.......? maybe a trigger?, posted by starloree on June 3, 2006, at 13:28:27
Hi Starloree,
I think everyone finds different ways to cope with things, in both positive and negative ways. For me, when I cope in a negative way, I turn to bingeing and purging but have also experimented with some drugs. But I kind of am dealing with the same sort of feelings for my T right now.
I KNOW that nothing will ever happen, but I HATE having to accept that. So I kind of did what you did...Got with a good guy-friend who I am not romantically attracted to, but chose to hook-up with him anyway. It wasn't sex but still a pretty intense situation. He kind of thought the same thing, that I was just really in the mood, and we left it at that we could hook-up again anytime with no strings attached.
I didn't exactly fantasize that I was with my T when I was with him, but instead I kind of used it as a way to make me less alone...like 'well my T doesn't want me but someone else still does'...It was almost like some sort of revenge thing, or my way of dealing with the feeling of rejection from my T. But now I feel pretty guilty for using my friend like that.
But the thing about choosing to cope negatively with problems is this: after you get out of the bed after sex, after you wake up from your hangover, or after you come down from your drug high - the problem is still there...that's probably how addictions get started. People keep using the same bad ways to cope because they are *temporary* reliefs from the problem they are really struggling to face.
I don't know if any of this helps but if you can, I think it might be good to talk to your T about what happened. If you don't feel comfortable with that, maybe explain how you feel when you're told nothing can happen, tell him how you feel tempted to deal with the feelings of rejection in unhealthy ways. I think it's great that you are even able to talk about your T about your attraction, because that's a hard thing to do in itself.
As I said, I'm not sure if what I am saying really helps because I kind of am stuck in the same situation myself, but I wish you luck with your situation.
-Karolina-
Posted by Karolina on June 3, 2006, at 15:15:43
In reply to Re: sex after.......? maybe a trigger?, posted by Karolina on June 3, 2006, at 15:11:09
"I think it's great that you are even able to talk about your T about your attraction, because that's a hard thing to do in itself."
i meant: i think it's great that you are even able to talk to your T about your attraction, because that's a hard thing to do in itself."
sorry about that!
Posted by starloree on June 3, 2006, at 15:31:57
In reply to Re: sex after.......? maybe a trigger?, posted by Karolina on June 3, 2006, at 15:11:09
yeah, i pretty much knew all those things, that it's a way i was coping and it's not really helpful cause the problem is still there, i knew that. but also, since i had NEVER done anything like that before, i wanted to at least try it, but the whole reason i even thought of it was because of my situation with my T. i didn't think of him while i was having sex. actually, to tell the truth, i actually told my guy friend exactly what i wanted to try out (him being the one in control, rather than me saying "put your hand here" or "do this, like that" which is what i usually do. i want a guy who will know what to do, who can TAKE CONTROL of the situation, and also, might not listen to me if i tell him what to do. and i know WHY i want this, cause in my regular life, i am in control (well, of things i CAN control) and for once, i want to let someone else take control, i want to be controlled. anyways i guess this friend of mine was not right for the job cause, it being his first time, well, you know. so we ended up doing what HE always fantasized about, the woman being in control and on top. so of course, that's nothing new to me (not the being on top, i don't usually do that, but being in control). anyways so i know why i did this, and i didn't expect it to solve my problem or anything, but i do know i was trying to cope in a possibly unhealthy way (possibly, because i know i wouldn't go so far as to do it with just anyone, and i am pretty sure i won't deal with all my problems like this, and also, cause i don't regret this experience). i guess i really just wanted to see if anyone else had done anything like this, or what they thought of the whole situation. and also, i just needed to talk to someone about it, cause i don't have anyone who i would admit this to!
yes, i have been thinking about telling my T about this, but then of course, i have this fear that if i tell him i did this, he would think a little less of me, and then later, a few years down the road, he might bump into me, and instead of thinking "i remember when this chic had a huge crush on me, maybe i could ask her out now, since it's been more than two years since she's been my client"....like i wish he would think, he would probably think "hmmmm, this chic was pretty freaky when she was my client, i'd better stay away from her" and he wouldn't even think of asking me out in the future, when he could. now,i have told my T this, about a different situation, when i had told him that i had been thinking about him a little less, or actually, my thinking wasn't as intrusive. and when i told him that, he said "great" and then afterwards, i felt "why did i say that!" because now he thinks, and would think, a few years down the road, "she doesn't think of me anymore" and so he wouldn't take the chance of asking me out. get what i'm saying? so i am still under the hopeful thinking that even though we can't be together now, he might possibly ask me in a few years, if he bumped into me. and i want to keep that possibility open, so i wouldn't want him to think anything that would dissuage him from asking me out in the future. IT'S CRAZY THINKING i know. anyways, so i have told him all of this, that i still hope all that, and this would just be another situation to tell him about, but i don't want to tell him cause it might ruin my chances! EVEN THOUGH THERE'S NO CHANCE!!!!! uuuuuurrrrrggggg. so frustrating!
sorry so long!
starloree
Posted by inimitable on June 4, 2006, at 8:49:50
In reply to Re: sex after.......? maybe a trigger?, posted by starloree on June 3, 2006, at 15:31:57
hey, this is starloree actually, i just changed my name to inimitable. just to let you know.
* inimitable
Posted by fairywings on June 5, 2006, at 14:02:03
In reply to sex after.......? maybe a trigger?, posted by starloree on June 3, 2006, at 13:28:27
Hi Storalee,
I know Tamar is right about the rape fantasy....in my mind I go through what happened to me and have it go differently, and get away so nothing happens, but it keeps it in my mind...which I guess isn't good. I don't know if you'd call what I do "fantasy" or not...I guess it is, but I never thought of it that way because it's wanting to undo it.
For some of us, it's not hard to develop feelings for our T's - they're someone who cares, listens, pays us attention, and always has our best interest at heart. Whether it's a parental thing or feels more loving. It's good that you can talk to him about it.
fw
This is the end of the thread.
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