![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Toph on March 24, 2006, at 12:22:56
I saw my T yesterday and we were talking about my penchant for bucking authority in its various forms. And so then I started to describe how I even rebel against myself - how I command myself to do something I find distasteful though important nonetheless, and I find myself unconsciously refusing to do it. This is not mere procrastination but rather some obsessive power struggle with myself that causes consideable neuroses. My T disagreed and saw this personal struggle as some manifestation of an unresolved authority issue I have in my past (I assume he means with my parents). Can anyone identify with having struggles with oneself and why can't our warring selves agree on what is best for us?
Posted by Racer on March 24, 2006, at 13:33:00
In reply to Authority, posted by Toph on March 24, 2006, at 12:22:56
Can I identify with that? Oh, yeah, can I ever!
In my case, I think it's directly self-defeating behavior. I'm not clear on it, at all, yet, but just lately I've been thinking about it a lot. (Although, so far, it hasn't yet come up in therapy... 'Bout time it does, though, now that you mention it...)
The other day, I was with my mother, who asked me how I'm doing in the classes I signed up for this semester. I'm taking two: a math class which I took 15 years ago, and a general psych class. I think I had told her I was in the top 5% of my psych class after the first midterm, and she asked about the math class. When I told her that, so far, I had received 100% on the quizzes and tests so far, I could just feel waves of resentment coming off of her. Now, I'm not sure, but I think that she'd have offered some support and commiseration if I had said that it was very hard and that I wasn't sure if I would pass. And I think that might have something to do with the fact that I tend to set myself up for failure in a lot of ways, big and small, in my life.
The whole thing is bound up in my anorexia, too. When I'm thin, I do a LOT of housework, create a lot of projects to do and get them done, and so on. It's not being productive in a healthy way, there's way too much OCD type rigidity to it, and the projects take on way too much importance -- and get way too bogged down in details -- but I have a much neater living environment than I do otherwise. When I'm not in that state, though, I'll have lots of days like today -- where I am pretty much losing a day, despite my best intentions. I tell myself that I have to get some things done, that I will feel better if I do, that the only way they will get done is if I start them and then complete them, etc. I tell myself that my anxiety will go down, that my mood will go up, that other things will be easier if I do these few things. Doesn't help. Here I sit, in front of the computer, when I swore up and down that I would actually do some things that NEED to be done.
{sigh}
I am rebelling against myself, and the way I feel about it is pretty complicated. I do feel pretty repugnant and repulsive, for instance, but the overriding feeling is the same one I feel about my body and eating right now. All those bad things that I associate with "being fat" are also associated with not doing what I tell myself I have to do.
Of course, I also feel overwhelmed by it all, and I think it's safe to say that some of this is related to my depression and its treatment. I'm fighting hard against having a nap, which is what I really want right now.
So, I can identify with what you're describing, but I certainly can't offer any astounding insight into it...
Posted by Toph on March 24, 2006, at 18:12:25
In reply to Re: Authority, posted by Racer on March 24, 2006, at 13:33:00
It sucks having mood, anxiety and self-worth all wrapped up in productivity, Racer. For me, I guess what I am saying is that I experience this struggle in a sort of disassociative (as I understant it) way. Like there's this voice saying that I need to do something and a voice that says no way. Maybe my shrink is right and this is latent rebellion to parental controls (both real and percieved). Ultimately I usually succomb to my conscience and complete whatever task is needed. It would be nice if I could just spare myself all the needless psychic drama.
Posted by Racer on March 27, 2006, at 19:52:50
In reply to Re: Authority » Racer, posted by Toph on March 24, 2006, at 18:12:25
> It sucks having mood, anxiety and self-worth all wrapped up in productivity, Racer.
When I read that, my first reaction, straight from the gut, was confusion: "But what alternatives are there?" And then, of course, I became aware that there probably are alternatives that I just don't know about...
Thank you for writing that, Toph. It triggered as much insight into that as I am capable of right now, which is enough to use to get me forward some on the issue. It's hard, though, because so much of that is just unquestioned *fact* to me -- that worth is based on what I've gotten done. And what I've gotten done most recently.
Although I didn't get a chance to tell her about this until the end of the session today, when I told her about it, my T said she was glad people were saying "the right things" to me. :-)
Posted by Toph on March 28, 2006, at 11:28:38
In reply to I mentioned this to my T today » Toph, posted by Racer on March 27, 2006, at 19:52:50
We do need motivation and accomplishment in life. I suppose its also important that we be able to pat ourselves on the back for what we do, not just rely on the praise of others. We need also to give ourselves credit for just trying, for caring, and for being kind (among many other good pursuits), Racer.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.