Posted by Racer on March 24, 2006, at 13:33:00
In reply to Authority, posted by Toph on March 24, 2006, at 12:22:56
Can I identify with that? Oh, yeah, can I ever!
In my case, I think it's directly self-defeating behavior. I'm not clear on it, at all, yet, but just lately I've been thinking about it a lot. (Although, so far, it hasn't yet come up in therapy... 'Bout time it does, though, now that you mention it...)
The other day, I was with my mother, who asked me how I'm doing in the classes I signed up for this semester. I'm taking two: a math class which I took 15 years ago, and a general psych class. I think I had told her I was in the top 5% of my psych class after the first midterm, and she asked about the math class. When I told her that, so far, I had received 100% on the quizzes and tests so far, I could just feel waves of resentment coming off of her. Now, I'm not sure, but I think that she'd have offered some support and commiseration if I had said that it was very hard and that I wasn't sure if I would pass. And I think that might have something to do with the fact that I tend to set myself up for failure in a lot of ways, big and small, in my life.
The whole thing is bound up in my anorexia, too. When I'm thin, I do a LOT of housework, create a lot of projects to do and get them done, and so on. It's not being productive in a healthy way, there's way too much OCD type rigidity to it, and the projects take on way too much importance -- and get way too bogged down in details -- but I have a much neater living environment than I do otherwise. When I'm not in that state, though, I'll have lots of days like today -- where I am pretty much losing a day, despite my best intentions. I tell myself that I have to get some things done, that I will feel better if I do, that the only way they will get done is if I start them and then complete them, etc. I tell myself that my anxiety will go down, that my mood will go up, that other things will be easier if I do these few things. Doesn't help. Here I sit, in front of the computer, when I swore up and down that I would actually do some things that NEED to be done.
{sigh}
I am rebelling against myself, and the way I feel about it is pretty complicated. I do feel pretty repugnant and repulsive, for instance, but the overriding feeling is the same one I feel about my body and eating right now. All those bad things that I associate with "being fat" are also associated with not doing what I tell myself I have to do.
Of course, I also feel overwhelmed by it all, and I think it's safe to say that some of this is related to my depression and its treatment. I'm fighting hard against having a nap, which is what I really want right now.
So, I can identify with what you're describing, but I certainly can't offer any astounding insight into it...
poster:Racer
thread:624174
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060312/msgs/624191.html