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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happyflower on March 14, 2006, at 16:32:43
....that seems like forever and it ends with a mutual smile that lights up each others face.
But yet it hurts, T's can't have outside relationships with their clients. Yet when we see each other outside of the office it is like a big secret that we share on how we know each other. I can look, but I can't talk to or touch.
We don't have an elephant but a huge dinosaur in the room. I wish for a cinderella story but yet that can't happen, because he is my T. I know the feelings are mutual, 100% sure, but yet it is left unsaid, because it can't be. I think I might have fallen in love for real, maybe the first time in my life. But yet it is all wrong, only because of the rules of ethics. Is it always wrong? Is it wrong to give up on love? Many questions as I quietly ponder Why ? He has touched me in a way no other has. It's bittersweet though.
Posted by fairywings on March 14, 2006, at 23:15:28
In reply to Those gorgous blue eyes looking into mine....., posted by happyflower on March 14, 2006, at 16:32:43
Posted by Daisym on March 14, 2006, at 23:33:08
In reply to Those gorgous blue eyes looking into mine....., posted by happyflower on March 14, 2006, at 16:32:43
Why is it a dinosaur now, instead of an elephant? It should feel a little smaller now that you've talked about it some.
I felt a familiar ache when I read your post. Loving like this is really hard. I think perhaps because it comes from such a deep place from us. It is so much more than transference, or erotic fantasy. It is that deep, almost primal pure feeling of deep connection and affection. I have said something similar to what you said, "I didn't know I could feel like this about someone else." It s&cks that I had to find out I could love this deeply with someone who can't reciprocate in anyway.
Is it wrong? To love? No. I think this kind of love is very special and it is allowed within the confines of therapy. I think it is actually a wonderful gift he has given you, this awareness that you can feel like this. And he should be flattered that someone as special as you are thinks he is worth loving.
But acting on these feelings in anyway is unethical. Because this is his work. And not everyone is able to protect themselves and could be taken advantage of. So the rules exist for good reason. We are so vulnerable and there is a power imbalance. He doesn't call you when he is having a hard time, etc. As much as we can rationalize away everything else - his wife, your husband, etc., etc. The thing I remember someone writing is that he would have to give up his life's work to be with you, and that is an enormous thing. Eventually a resentment would set it and then where would you be?
I don't know why it has to work like this. I mean, of course I can see how this is a set up for all kinds of deep feelings on our side. And Yes, I can see how they could develop feelings for us too. It is hard to reconcile that the healing is in the relationship when the relationship feels so painful sometimes.
((((Happyflower))))
I get it. I really do. I just don't know what to do with it.
Posted by milly on March 15, 2006, at 7:54:43
In reply to Those gorgous blue eyes looking into mine....., posted by happyflower on March 14, 2006, at 16:32:43
> ....that seems like forever and it ends with a mutual smile that lights up each others face.
>
> But yet it hurts, T's can't have outside relationships with their clients. Yet when we see each other outside of the office it is like a big secret that we share on how we know each other. I can look, but I can't talk to or touch.
>
> We don't have an elephant but a huge dinosaur in the room. I wish for a cinderella story but yet that can't happen, because he is my T. I know the feelings are mutual, 100% sure, but yet it is left unsaid, because it can't be. I think I might have fallen in love for real, maybe the first time in my life. But yet it is all wrong, only because of the rules of ethics. Is it always wrong? Is it wrong to give up on love? Many questions as I quietly ponder Why ? He has touched me in a way no other has. It's bittersweet though.((((((((happyflower))))))))))))
It is so hard, the feelings i have for my T are so similar to yours except I never see him outside his office which must be torture.
I told him once that if my feeling were 'love' then I can't have ever loved before becuase I simply didn't recognise ever having felt that intensly before.
I am grateful for the love of a sweet hubby but that is it, I'm grateful because I never felt worthy of anyones love and I don't think I ever expected to feel love especially after the rape I thought everyone could see what 'damaged goods' i was even though I never breathed a word to anyone still only this board & my T know.
Posted by happyflower on March 15, 2006, at 9:15:54
In reply to Re: Those gorgous blue eyes looking into mine..... » happyflower, posted by Daisym on March 14, 2006, at 23:33:08
> Why is it a dinosaur now, instead of an elephant? It should feel a little smaller now that you've talked about it some.
That is a good question Daisy. You know since I told him that I feel a special bond with him, our relationship has deepened ( I think it might have been you that said it would). But yet it isn't just me and my feelings, I think since I told him this, he has deeper feelings for me too.
He even told me in a different circumstance, he would like to be social with me too, and he didn't feel like this with all his clients. I told him I enjoy talking to him and it really sucks, and he said it sucks for him too. But he said we can't be social because it would affect all the good work we have done. But I feel he is struggling with this too.
> I felt a familiar ache when I read your post. Loving like this is really hard. I think perhaps because it comes from such a deep place from us. It is so much more than transference, or erotic fantasy. It is that deep, almost primal pure feeling of deep connection and affection. I have said something similar to what you said, "I didn't know I could feel like this about someone else." It s&cks that I had to find out I could love this deeply with someone who can't reciprocate in anyway.I know you feel this too, Daisy, I know you understand how I feel. It is so hard.
>
> Is it wrong? To love? No. I think this kind of love is very special and it is allowed within the confines of therapy. I think it is actually a wonderful gift he has given you, this awareness that you can feel like this. And he should be flattered that someone as special as you are thinks he is worth loving.Thanks, that makes me feel good about it at least in a way. It is hard to not to wonder how things could have been if we met in other circumstances.
> But acting on these feelings in anyway is unethical. Because this is his work. And not everyone is able to protect themselves and could be taken advantage of. So the rules exist for good reason. We are so vulnerable and there is a power imbalance. He doesn't call you when he is having a hard time, etc. As much as we can rationalize away everything else - his wife, your husband, etc., etc. The thing I remember someone writing is that he would have to give up his life's work to be with you, and that is an enormous thing. Eventually a resentment would set it and then where would you be?
I would never want him to risk his work. But if we did follow the rules, would it be okay?
> I don't know why it has to work like this. I mean, of course I can see how this is a set up for all kinds of deep feelings on our side. And Yes, I can see how they could develop feelings for us too. It is hard to reconcile that the healing is in the relationship when the relationship feels so painful sometimes.
Things are changing all the time with us. I met a couple at the gym during yoga class, and I have talking to them a lot and are becoming friends with them. Well one day my T walks in and sees me talking the guy, and it turns out it is one of his best friends. I didn't know this, the couple doesn't know that I know him. I almost wish my T didn't tell me this, because it now feels weird.
Then just yesterday, one of my gym pals introduces me to this girl who will also be taking beginning running classes with me. Well I have seen my T talking to this women before, so I know that they know each other. Well when I was being introduced to this lady and was talking to her, my T joggs by and smiles at me. It seems like my new friendship network might be meshing with his, and that had to weird for him too. I can see us running into each other in other circumstances now too. I am sure this is a unique situation and it will have to be discussed. We might even be running in the same races too.> ((((Happyflower))))
> I get it. I really do. I just don't know what to do with it.Thank you Daisy for your hugs and support. I am okay for the most part of not having him, but sometimes things happen between us that just makes my heart beat faster, but it also breaks my heart too. But I think I can accept the reality, no matter who hard it is.
Posted by happyflower on March 15, 2006, at 9:28:42
In reply to Re: Those gorgous blue eyes looking into mine..... » Daisym, posted by happyflower on March 15, 2006, at 9:15:54
Lately since I disclosed the special bond that I feel with him, he has been telling me about times he things of me outside of the office.
Like after my 2nd concert, I was puting my stuff away, and in walks my allergist. Well he he gave me a little hug and smacked my butt. LOL He is a big flirt, but this time it got physical. Well I told my T about this, and it is like he got kinda jelous because he know my allergist and his wife.
Well a month ago, my T was at a charity event where my allergist was preforming (he is a musican) and my T said all he could think about is my allergist touching my butt. And then he said when he talked to my allergist wife, all he could think was do you know husband is touching happyflower's butt. I couldn't believe he told me this.
Then around X-mas, I wasn't at the gym, I am normally there everyday but my T isn't. Well he told when he didn't see me he thought about me getting ready for my big X-mas party, cooking sausage. Do most T's tell us this stuff?I know he has feelings for me, I know I am on his mind sometimes outside of the office, but he is keeping his boundries. But I can tell he is struggling with how to handle the situation. But I don't see him crossing the line no matter who he feels. But it is hard when I feel the same as him, but yet we can't act on it.
Posted by happyflower on March 15, 2006, at 9:34:54
In reply to Re: ((((((((happyflower))))))))) ? poss trigger » happyflower, posted by milly on March 15, 2006, at 7:54:43
> ((((((((happyflower))))))))))))
> It is so hard, the feelings i have for my T are so similar to yours except I never see him outside his office which must be torture.I mostly enjoy seeing him outside of the office, but sometimes it is hurtful because I want to go up and just talk to him, and I feel I can't .
I'm grateful because I never felt worthy of anyones love and I don't think I ever expected to feel love especially after the rape I thought everyone could see what 'damaged goods' i was even though I never breathed a word to anyone still only this board & my T know.
I am glad you can open up at least to Babble, I think it helps a lot to get it all out. Plus there are people that understand.
Just remember you aren't damaged goods because of what happened to you. I used to think this too because of the child abuse I went through. But I no longer think I am damaged goods. Thanks milly for responding to me, the support helps me so much. ((((((Milly)))) Hugs back to you too! ;-)
Posted by happyflower on March 15, 2006, at 9:35:55
In reply to Re: (((happyflower)))) (nm), posted by fairywings on March 14, 2006, at 23:15:28
Posted by milly on March 15, 2006, at 11:06:33
In reply to Plus there is more, posted by happyflower on March 15, 2006, at 9:28:42
> Lately since I disclosed the special bond that I feel with him, he has been telling me about times he things of me outside of the office.
>
> Like after my 2nd concert, I was puting my stuff away, and in walks my allergist. Well he he gave me a little hug and smacked my butt. LOL He is a big flirt, but this time it got physical. Well I told my T about this, and it is like he got kinda jelous because he know my allergist and his wife.
> Well a month ago, my T was at a charity event where my allergist was preforming (he is a musican) and my T said all he could think about is my allergist touching my butt. And then he said when he talked to my allergist wife, all he could think was do you know husband is touching happyflower's butt. I couldn't believe he told me this.
> Then around X-mas, I wasn't at the gym, I am normally there everyday but my T isn't. Well he told when he didn't see me he thought about me getting ready for my big X-mas party, cooking sausage. Do most T's tell us this stuff?Nope I don't think they are supposed to, it might mess us up! It sound like he's got a bit of a struggle going on there. Sometimes I think I'd love to hear my T confess something like that but also would dread to hear it plus I'd be so worried that knowing me would damage him.
> I know he has feelings for me, I know I am on his mind sometimes outside of the office, but he is keeping his boundries. But I can tell he is struggling with how to handle the situation. But I don't see him crossing the line no matter who he feels. But it is hard when I feel the same as him, but yet we can't act on it.
A bit of a freudian slip there Happy flower!! Did you mean to write 'what' he feels not 'who' he feels!!!!! LOL
be careful ((((((((happyflower)))))))))
Posted by tryingtobewise on March 15, 2006, at 15:00:41
In reply to Plus there is more, posted by happyflower on March 15, 2006, at 9:28:42
Hi happyflower...
Actually he is not keeping his boundaries if he is telling you about his thoughts re: the allergist touching your butt and thinking about you cooking. He may be keeping his physical boundaries but not the emotional ones. If he is having difficulty with this, he should be seeking supervision, not confiding in you.
I know this isn't what you want to hear. I'm sorry. I read here much more than I post and I think all of your posts are so wonderful, I hate that you are being put in this position.
Kim
Posted by Susan47 on March 21, 2006, at 15:55:39
In reply to Plus there is more, posted by happyflower on March 15, 2006, at 9:28:42
Hey happyflower, I just had this thought with your first post on this thread, the thought was that I heard somewhere that you're supposed to fall in love with your therapist, that is one of the jobs you do in therapy .. but I don't know what they're supposed to do to handle that.
Then about the butt-smacking, well maybe your T is just thinking nothing more than that his colleague is a bit out of line, and should be called on it, and if he did that again I'd wonder about it for sure, maybe even call him on it myself .. which is always kind of fun, but men really hate it. Hahah. Wonder why.? .. they act like little kids who got caught with their hand in the cookie jar .. maybe your T will use this as an excuse to say he can't see you anymore .. I mean, if he's really responding the way you think he is, even though you keep saying it's not real, well once he realized it he'd only have a couple of choices, one of which would hurt you terribly and the other which would require him to do some growing he might not be ready for .. hahaha, that wasn't meant that way. :)
This is the end of the thread.
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