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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on February 26, 2006, at 15:11:55
On an unrelated note.
I asked my therapist for a therapy break until he felt better. I was very clear that I wasn't terminating, that I wasn't going to see anyone else, that I didn't blame him or take it personally, that I wasn't calling him a bad therapist, that I cared very much about him.
But that when he isn't there in spirit when he is there in body, I get frantic. And that it hurts worse than not seeing him at all. And that I knew he was trying his best, but he was just too tired and stressed to give me what I needed.
I told him that when he felt better I wanted him to call me, and we could resume therapy.
He hasn't said yes yet. He says that he isn't ready to give up. He hasn't really given me any options for hurting less when he can't be there. But he offered a fifty percent cost rebate when he was only there in body.
We're going to talk more about it next week.
Posted by annierose on February 26, 2006, at 15:40:33
In reply to I asked for a formal separation., posted by Dinah on February 26, 2006, at 15:11:55
I can't believe he joked about the 50% rate reduction when he is only there in body. That says tons about how he is doing as a therapist these days.
I don't know what else to say. I know how much he means to you, and this seperation could be very hard on you. But a therapist that isn't working while he is suuposed to be working, isn't helping you either.
I support you in whatever you decide.
Posted by Dinah on February 26, 2006, at 15:59:01
In reply to Re: I asked for a formal separation. » Dinah, posted by annierose on February 26, 2006, at 15:40:33
Well, believe it or not he was serious. I'm not sure what *that* says about him.
I asked him if that would motivate him better to be present, and he said he wasn't sure if it would motivate him, but he didn't want me to feel cheated.
I told him it wasn't that I felt cheated so much as I felt hurt and frantic.
Posted by gardenergirl on February 26, 2006, at 16:14:50
In reply to Re: I asked for a formal separation. » annierose, posted by Dinah on February 26, 2006, at 15:59:01
> Well, believe it or not he was serious. I'm not sure what *that* says about him.
I think that says a great deal about what he values. Let's just say I think his priorities differ from mine.
>
> I asked him if that would motivate him better to be present, and he said he wasn't sure if it would motivate him, but he didn't want me to feel cheated.
>
> I told him it wasn't that I felt cheated so much as I felt hurt and frantic.He just doesn't get it, does he?
I think your idea of separating versus terminating is a good one. It sounds like you were very clear about what you were proposing. That's good. I hope that however it works out, that it's in YOUR best interest. That's what this therapy is about. I know you care for him. How could you not? But this is about getting your needs met. I'm glad you're letting him know that it's not working right now.
I also know this must be very very difficult. I'm thinking of you.
gg
Posted by fallsfall on February 26, 2006, at 16:39:34
In reply to I asked for a formal separation., posted by Dinah on February 26, 2006, at 15:11:55
I'm really proud of you, Dinah. I think I have an inkling of how hard this is for you. It makes me sad that this needs to happen, but I think that you are absolutely right.
Sometimes therapy hurts in the short term in order to make things better in the long term. That is hard enough to take. But when therapy hurts in the long term, it is time to stop.
I think that you are handling this very, very well.
((((((((((Dinah))))))))))
Love,
Falls.
Posted by Dinah on February 26, 2006, at 20:04:23
In reply to Re: I asked for a formal separation., posted by fallsfall on February 26, 2006, at 16:39:34
Thanks everyone for your support.
It's been rolling around in the back of my head for a while now, that it would probably have to come to this. And today I was finally ready. Ironically he was more present than he usually is, so I almost waited for a better moment. But I realized that things usually go that way. Just when I'm totally sure that things have to change, we have a good session and I am pacified.
I don't know where things are going to go. But I know they can't keep going on this way. I guess you just get to that point.
Like I told him, the therapeutic relationship doesn't allow much variability. I can't take care of him when he's down or distant, and feel his presence that way. I think if the therapeutic relationship did allow for that, I'd be much better with continuing on with it. But it doesn't so I don't see any other alternative but stepping away before it's irretrievably broken, and counting on what work we've done to sustain the relationship in absence of contact until the time is right for it to be therapeutic again.
I dunno. Maybe I'm wrong.
Posted by Gee on February 26, 2006, at 22:17:41
In reply to Re: I asked for a formal separation., posted by Dinah on February 26, 2006, at 20:04:23
I think you're right in asking for a seperation for a while. You've gotta do what's best for you. If he's not really there in spirit to support you, it makes it harder on you.
Posted by Daisym on February 26, 2006, at 23:20:38
In reply to I asked for a formal separation., posted by Dinah on February 26, 2006, at 15:11:55
(((Dinah)))
Seems like this was a really big important step but it must have been hard to do. Feels a little like a Divorce might, I would guess.
Everything you said is true. The theraputic relationship needs to be steady (most of the time anyway) and it needs to be for YOU. Not for him.
If you need extra support for awhile, please ask. I'll do what I can.
Hugs,
Daisy
Posted by Dinah on February 27, 2006, at 10:21:34
In reply to Re: I asked for a formal separation., posted by Daisym on February 26, 2006, at 23:20:38
That if this happens he'll forget to call me when he feels better. Or that he'll forget who I am or that I won't be special to him anymore.
Maybe it's not such a good idea. Maybe it would be safer just to keep going.
Posted by Poet on February 27, 2006, at 11:01:42
In reply to Of course today I'm afraid I made a mistake, posted by Dinah on February 27, 2006, at 10:21:34
Hi Dinah,
I can understand your having second thoughts. You've invested a lot into your relationship with your T. I don't want to be too harsh on him, but it seems to me you've done much more to keep seeing him than he's done to get his practice back up and running.
I doubt if he would forget you. You are special to him, he's just so messed up right now that I wish he'd get in therapy. Next time he suggests him sitting in your lap, suggest to him that he be the one on the couch and you in the chair. Charge him whatever life coaches charge and double it.
Take care, Dinah, no matter what you decide, I'm here to listen and won't judge you. I promise. You judge yourself so much. I know, I do it to myself, too.
Poet
Posted by All Done on February 27, 2006, at 11:28:42
In reply to I asked for a formal separation., posted by Dinah on February 26, 2006, at 15:11:55
> But he offered a fifty percent cost rebate when he was only there in body.
(((Dinah))),
To me, that's like my ISP telling me they'll give me a 50% rebate on an internet service outage because I still had the cable plugged in. I don't know. I use my T's mind *WAY* more than I use his body. (Of course that's much to my chagrin sometimes. ;) )
I'm sorry about all of this, Dinah. I'm sorry this is such an awful decision for you to have to make. The lesser of two evils. :( You deserve so much more than you are getting from him, but I understand...you must still be getting *something* from him that you desperately need or want, otherwise you would have left by now.
I wish I could help.
Laurie
Posted by fallsfall on February 27, 2006, at 11:40:27
In reply to Of course today I'm afraid I made a mistake, posted by Dinah on February 27, 2006, at 10:21:34
You will always be special to him.
Of course you are having second thoughts. This is a very big step. Remember to make this decision based on what is best for you.
I'm in your corner,
Falls
Posted by JenStar on February 28, 2006, at 14:19:21
In reply to I asked for a formal separation., posted by Dinah on February 26, 2006, at 15:11:55
hi Dinah,
my first thought when I read the title of your post was, "oh gosh, she's divorcing her husband." I was surprised/relieved to find out it was your T you were talking about!BUT...I suppose after so long with him, it is kind of like a "divorce" maybe? Do you think you're going to go through the same feelings you might for an ex-spouse as you complete the grieving process?
good luck with this. I hope it all works out.
JenStar
Posted by Tanzanite on March 3, 2006, at 0:40:27
In reply to I asked for a formal separation., posted by Dinah on February 26, 2006, at 15:11:55
A bit late on this one too, but
I think that this choice was a good idea. It will give him some time to think, and you some time to heal perhaps, decide what you need. I still don't care for how he acted and I feel that the sarcasm about you sitting on his lap was very unprofessional. Hope you are doing well.
Peace
Tanzanite
Posted by Dinah on March 3, 2006, at 17:02:22
In reply to Re: I asked for a formal separation., posted by Tanzanite on March 3, 2006, at 0:40:27
I called him to tell him I thought it would be worthwhile for me to go off Risperdal and see if it helped the anger issues. I warned him that it meant that I'd most likely bother him more. He seemed happy to hear from me and told me to call him anytime I needed him.
Which doesn't mean that I still won't press the therapy break option if he seems like he's not able to bring himself to sessions. I mean, I can't go around threatening him to get him to do what he needs to do.
Posted by Dinah on March 4, 2006, at 14:12:43
In reply to To make a shamefaced confession, posted by Dinah on March 3, 2006, at 17:02:22
The way he was.
Posted by Daisym on March 4, 2006, at 16:42:23
In reply to I want my therapist sooooo bad., posted by Dinah on March 4, 2006, at 14:12:43
I want that for you to. I want you to feel safe and supported and to know what to expect each and everytime you go. I also want you to know that I think you are doing really well, as much as you don't want to hear that.
I'm sure you've thought about this, but the anger and disappointment you are feeling around how therapy feels right now seems justified and attached to the larger picture of how up-ended your life has been this year. You therapist used to be a safe place to dump out this anger. Is he still?
Therapy is hard enough without all the rest of the stuff you are dealing with. When will you know if you have to move or not?
I'm thinking of you.
Daisy
Posted by Dinah on March 4, 2006, at 16:46:50
In reply to Re: I want my therapist sooooo bad. » Dinah, posted by Daisym on March 4, 2006, at 16:42:23
Mid April. One of the longest six weeks I've ever known, except the time my therapist left.
There's so much I want to do around the house, and can't because we might have to move. I'd like to look around for a house around here that's more protected from flood waters (it was pure chance we didn't get them this time) but I can't because I don't know if we're staying.
I know it's "only" six weeks.
Posted by fallsfall on March 4, 2006, at 17:36:26
In reply to I want my therapist sooooo bad., posted by Dinah on March 4, 2006, at 14:12:43
I wish he could be the way he was.
Your grief is so reasonable.
I'm really proud of you for trying to choose what will be best for you. I know it is a hard choice.
(((((Dinah)))))
Posted by Tanzanite on March 5, 2006, at 1:27:40
In reply to Re: I want my therapist sooooo bad. » Dinah, posted by fallsfall on March 4, 2006, at 17:36:26
((((HUGS FOR DINAH))))
I hope you find a sense of peace and are able to be able to return to your therapist with him being the way he was and the therapist you need him to be.
Peace and Comforts
Tanzanite
Posted by TherapyGirl on March 5, 2006, at 15:13:58
In reply to I want my therapist sooooo bad., posted by Dinah on March 4, 2006, at 14:12:43
Dinah:
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I haven't had the kind of upheaval with my therapist that you've had this past year, but I've had similar enough to really feel your pain.
I hope that everything will eventually work out. You're doing a good job of hanging in there until then, in my opinion.
Posted by namaste on March 8, 2006, at 22:34:48
In reply to To make a shamefaced confession, posted by Dinah on March 3, 2006, at 17:02:22
I can't believe it. I have not been here in months and I just click on what I am going through, well less. It is good to know that this is always here.My therapist today had an emergency right before I came in late. She looked very freaked out. All session she couldn't concentrate which is a whole new thing after 3 years. I know she is human but it is my 50 minutes and now I wait a whole week again. I called it on her and she said she was sorry but it happens.She gave me big smiles and encouragement when I left. I am trying to let it go and be adult
I have to bring it up to her I know, I can't keep secrets from her.She has gone the extra mile for me.i guess I answered my own quandry? Namaste
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