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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Voce on February 23, 2006, at 1:27:26
As part of our pre-marital counseling, I met seperately with the counselor tonight. I went in not knowing what was going to happen and not expecting to really talk about anything too deep. I'm not sure how this all happened...the counselor knew I had a history of depression and started asking a few questions, and before I knew it, I was crying for the entire appointment.
When I was in therapy with ex T, I didn't cry a drop. Tonight I couldn't turn the waterworks off. We talked about my family and how things are still hard, what I dealt with in treatment, what tools I have to fight my depression, how it may affect my future marriage, and lastly, my feelings for ex T. He said at one point, "Do you realize you're still grieving?"
No, I hadn't realized that. I was at a point where for a couple of months I've thought I was done with all that, moved to the acceptance part of grief. And tonight I just cried and cried.
He thanked me at the end, saying he was touched that I shared what I did. I left feeling tired and now I don't know WHAT to think. I almost feel like I betrayed myself because I didn't intend to go in there and talk about all that. He accepted it with grace and sensitivity, which made me feel safe I guess, but I don't know him 1/10th as well as ex T, and yet I feel safe enough to cry my eyes out?
He offered to see me privately again. I don't know if I want that.
Posted by Tamar on February 23, 2006, at 18:11:33
In reply to What just happened?, posted by Voce on February 23, 2006, at 1:27:26
> As part of our pre-marital counseling, I met seperately with the counselor tonight. I went in not knowing what was going to happen and not expecting to really talk about anything too deep. I'm not sure how this all happened...the counselor knew I had a history of depression and started asking a few questions, and before I knew it, I was crying for the entire appointment.
Wow. That must have been quite a shock to you.
> When I was in therapy with ex T, I didn't cry a drop. Tonight I couldn't turn the waterworks off. We talked about my family and how things are still hard, what I dealt with in treatment, what tools I have to fight my depression, how it may affect my future marriage, and lastly, my feelings for ex T. He said at one point, "Do you realize you're still grieving?"
A very good question!
> No, I hadn't realized that. I was at a point where for a couple of months I've thought I was done with all that, moved to the acceptance part of grief. And tonight I just cried and cried.
You can move back and forth within the stages of grief. Perhaps you can accept it some of the time, but there may be other times when you experience depression and denial. And not just about losing T1 but about the other losses in your life as well.
> He thanked me at the end, saying he was touched that I shared what I did. I left feeling tired and now I don't know WHAT to think. I almost feel like I betrayed myself because I didn't intend to go in there and talk about all that. He accepted it with grace and sensitivity, which made me feel safe I guess, but I don't know him 1/10th as well as ex T, and yet I feel safe enough to cry my eyes out?
I reckon you learned so much with ex-T that you found you were able to share more when you had the opportunity. I believe you’ve been working on your issues ever since you stopped seeing your T, and you’ve been able to use what he taught you for your own personal growth. So even if you weren’t able to cry with T1, you learned very gradually (from therapy with him) how to be vulnerable enough to allow yourself to cry. He can still take some of the credit. And, of course, so should you.
> He offered to see me privately again. I don't know if I want that.
If you trust him, it might be worth considering. If you’re anything like me, you’ll find the transference with a male T very useful (if painful). And as much as it hurts, it can make a profound difference to your overall quality of life.
I hope you’ll consider it. And at the very least I hope you found the session useful and helpful as preparation for marriage. (I have to admit I’m finding marriage very difficult at the moment, and I do believe it helps to have a very clear idea of why you’re getting into it…)
Good luck!
Tamar
Posted by daisym on February 24, 2006, at 12:49:39
In reply to What just happened?, posted by Voce on February 23, 2006, at 1:27:26
(((Voce)))
I did that when I went to talk to my priest. I never cry in front of people and yet I couldn't stop it. (I do cry in therapy all the time.) I think it is perhaps the right moment, with an open person, at the end of a long day, when you might be a little less defensive. I think it is great that he was accepting and thanked you for sharing with him. It does sound like you are still grieving.
And also, you've just had this whole wound reopened very recently, so how could it not be sensitive? Think about the set up for your psyche...one-on-one time with a man counselor...it makes total sense to me that stuff came pouring out.
You might find that going back is helpful. On the other hand, you'll now have expectations, nerves and prethought.
Still, I'm glad you had the chance to release some of your grief.
Posted by Voce on February 26, 2006, at 2:51:58
In reply to Re: What just happened? » Voce, posted by Tamar on February 23, 2006, at 18:11:33
Thanks, Tamar. I went in very unaware of how raw I still feel about the whole thing. I still feel a little embarrased about the flood, but I realized that what he saw was ME uncensored, and if I value authenticity in people, then I had better learn to value it in myself as well.
I hope you are feeling better.
Posted by Voce on February 26, 2006, at 2:54:34
In reply to Re: What just happened? » Voce, posted by daisym on February 24, 2006, at 12:49:39
<Think about the set up for your psyche...one-on-one time with a man counselor...it makes total sense to me that stuff came pouring out.>
Ya. Now it does make sense. I felt quite resistant to going, so maybe my psyche knew the situation and resisted.
<You might find that going back is helpful. On the other hand, you'll now have expectations, nerves and prethought.>
That is true. I don't know if I'll ever be that uncensored again for him. I don't know if I even can.
This is the end of the thread.
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