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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on February 20, 2006, at 0:17:48
I think I might hurt myself. And for all the wrong reasons. Not seriously of course. I never do any serious damage.
But I'm suspecting that I've got some serious rage going on beneath the surface and it comes to me at night and beckons me to cut or burn someplace visible. Someplace visible and vulnerable. It's been several weeks now, and I've resisted the urges which is made easier by the fact that they come at night. But I'm not sure I want to continue to resist.
Which I don't think is a good idea, making it visible, because of my son.
Darker urges come as well, but those are easier to resist.
But sometimes, more and more often, I wonder if it's worth the fighting to stop myself from doing something that isn't really any danger to me.
It's not really safe right now to express the rage, even in a nonrageful way, because everyone around me is in so much stress. Is it really so bad to release it against myself.
Posted by All Done on February 20, 2006, at 0:47:05
In reply to Trigger, posted by Dinah on February 20, 2006, at 0:17:48
Forgive me for being naive, Dinah, but what will hurting yourself do for you or provide that you can't get elsewhere? Is it relief from all of your internal pain?
I can understand why you have so much rage going on. Do you feel like others around you aren't recognizing the pain you're experiencing? Is that why you want to do something that would leave a visible sign of injury?
I know you probably put your T in the category of everyone around you who's in so much stress, but are you certain you can't express your rage in therapy with him? What would happen if you did?
I hope you can stay safe tonight, Dinah. I'm around if you decide you need some distraction.
(((((Dinah)))))
Laurie
Posted by Dinah on February 20, 2006, at 0:56:08
In reply to Re: Trigger » Dinah, posted by All Done on February 20, 2006, at 0:47:05
It's more a release of pressure. I don't think I acknowledge to even myself my anger, or whatever feelings lie behind the anger.
I'm not sure about the visible aspect. It's just what the urges are about. They tend to be specific. In reality I don't think I'd do anything visible, since it would bring the same concern to others that I'm trying to avoid by not expressing whatever it is I'm feeling.
Thanks for the offer, Laurie. I appreciate it. But I think I'll head off to bed and curse my inability to sleep for an hour or two before dropping off. It's gotten to be sort of a ritual for me.
And most likely the urges will be gone by morning, like they usually are. So I should be ok.
You know, even in posting this I recognize that I'm coming across as rather flat and calm. The feelings are buried so deep.
I've mentioned it to my therapist in passing. He's pretty much ignored my mentions. I guess he figures it's been so long since I acted on them that they're not really important. But he didn't even say anything when I told him I bit myself the other day. Just that it was understandable under the circumstances. I guess since it just left a bruise, and I didn't break the skin.
Posted by All Done on February 20, 2006, at 1:08:05
In reply to Re: Trigger » All Done, posted by Dinah on February 20, 2006, at 0:56:08
Posted by LadyBug on February 20, 2006, at 1:52:01
In reply to Trigger, posted by Dinah on February 20, 2006, at 0:17:48
I don't understand the hurting yourself stuff, but I do understand having pain so deep you can't deal with it.
I hope your sleeping right now and the feelings are subsided by tomorrow. Does it help to post about it? If so, I hope you will. I wish I could take the pain away from you. I don't like to see you hurting. Be safe, and be good to Dinah.
(((((HUGS)))))
LadyBug
Posted by orchid on February 20, 2006, at 2:42:30
In reply to Trigger, posted by Dinah on February 20, 2006, at 0:17:48
Maybe trying to express it in some other way - like writing a journal, or punching a sand bag might be helpful? Just a thought.
Posted by B2chica on February 20, 2006, at 8:48:58
In reply to Trigger, posted by Dinah on February 20, 2006, at 0:17:48
so sorry you feel such painful and intense emotions...is there a way you can observe your feelings without acting on them? kind of like just letting them pass through you? grab onto a towel and twist it as you are saying what the pain is about outloud?
or try taking an orange and cut it the way you want to hurt yourself. that's worked for me before.
one thing is you need to be able to observe this pain without turn from emotional to physical. maybe a safe place would be in your sessions. (i know, they never seem to occur when your in session) but it's worth a shot.please take care of yourself Dinah. you are going through so much right now. you should be proud of how well you really are doing, even though it may not seem like it right now.
take care
b2c.
Posted by fallsfall on February 20, 2006, at 11:35:01
In reply to Trigger, posted by Dinah on February 20, 2006, at 0:17:48
It sounds to me like you feel like your pain is invisible, unnoticed. And while you recognize that people around you are under a lot of stress, that doesn't make your pain any less.
Maybe you can talk about it some more here on Babble. We do hear your pain, Dinah. We do acknowledge that things are hard for you.
Can you talk to your husband at all about your pain? Can he give you some of the acknowledgement that you need?
Or maybe go back to see T3? Perhaps she can help you to be heard.
I guess I am encouraging you to find a way to express the pain, rather than act on it. Perhaps try drawing or sculpture.
We're listening.
Posted by Dinah on February 20, 2006, at 12:26:24
In reply to Re: Trigger » Dinah, posted by fallsfall on February 20, 2006, at 11:35:01
I slept last night without waking up off and on with the thoughts, for the first time in I don't remember how long.
I had forgotten how much power I could sap from them just by talking about them, and how helpful therapy has been for that purpose. I guess I need to make sure I bring them up even if neither he nor I thinks it's significant in terms of acting out. But I need to make sure that we both treat it seriously. If there's anything the urges hate, it's being dismissed.
Thanks everyone. It really helped a lot to remember that.
Posted by happyflower on February 20, 2006, at 14:02:01
In reply to Trigger, posted by Dinah on February 20, 2006, at 0:17:48
I am glad you are okay and didn't hurt yourself, you are hurting enough for 1000 people as it it now.
I really think you should bring this up with your T again, and make him take you seriously. This is a very serious matter. I am worried about you with all that has happened to you and all. Please be safe and talk to that great T of yours. Let him help you. :-) ((((Dinah)))
Posted by James K on February 21, 2006, at 16:31:45
In reply to (((((Dinah)))), posted by happyflower on February 20, 2006, at 14:02:01
I'm both glad and sorry I was off the net when this happened. Glad because I might have said the wrong thing, sorry because maybe I could have helped somehow.
It worked out okay for now, and I am so thankful for that. What desire you described, I have sometimes. Each year, there is a little bit more on me. Please find the way to let it out correctly. I hope bring up old business doesn't bother you. Peace to you
James K
Posted by Dinah on February 21, 2006, at 18:38:35
In reply to Re: (((((Dinah)))), posted by James K on February 21, 2006, at 16:31:45
It's still a problem. But I realize now that I have to talk about it with my therapist, even if I'm embarassed.
This is the end of the thread.
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