Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 604897

Shown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

starting my therapy break

Posted by bent on January 31, 2006, at 17:24:09

I am trying to take a therapy break. This is my first break since I began working with my T four years ago. We have each had vacations but this is different. I know neither of us is on vacation. Everything else is normal, but no therapy. I have been feeling the need for a break for some time. Feelings in therapy, about therapy, about my T have been so intense. My T knows this but we haven’t talked about it in detail in a long time. Therapy is so painful because I have such strong feelings about my T. Mainly maternal transference. The unequal relationship is torture to me right now. I want to convince myself I am a merely a number in my T’s day. It hurts to know that I have been crying off and on today thinking about the next four weeks that I have designated my therapy break, but she wont feel any pain. It doesn’t hurt her. She is not attached like a leach and desperate for the hurt to go away. My feelings are so intense after the sessions and she just moves on to the next person. The thing is I am totally ok with the therapeutic relationship and its boundaries. I don’t want my T to bend the rules; I don’t want her to be my friend, my mother. I just want her to be my T. So if I have what I want in a therapist, why am I hurting so much? I don’t want more from my T than she can give me, yet it hurts when I wonder about her life. I have such curiosity. I wonder what kind of mom she is and what she likes and….its endless. But why? I don’t want these things from her…but I think about them all the time and it hurts. We both have a sense of respect, trust, and caring for each other I think. But I need to hear it. I need to feel it. Just once I want her to tell me she cares about me. Even if it’s only in the context of the therapeutic relationship. That’s all I want. Is it normal to know it in my heart that she cares but I want to hear it?
Its hard thinking I have almost a month ahead of me without seeing my T, even harder to think that one day therapy will end and I won’t have her at all. ****possible trigger ahead**** I even had a dream that she died while I was on my ‘break’ and I was devastated not only that she was gone but that I never got to tell her how much I appreciate all she has done for me. That dream is almost scaring me. Like I’m getting paranoid…what if something would happen? I need to tell her now how important she is to me…. I am getting carried away with the fear I guess. My T said I could call if something were to come up for me or if I felt I couldn’t wait the four weeks. It hasn’t even been a day. I do want this break. For myself to stand alone and not be dependent for a few weeks but also because my mind is telling me that a little space in the relationship will make it hurt less. Sorry to go on. I’m just feeling so raw and sad (and maybe confused) right now.

 

Re: starting my therapy break » bent

Posted by annierose on January 31, 2006, at 17:48:35

In reply to starting my therapy break, posted by bent on January 31, 2006, at 17:24:09

I want to respond to your post but I'm dashing to a class in 10 minutes.

Here is my initial reaction. Your dream is very telling. Your decision to take a break may feel like a death to you. She has been your emotional center for 4 years. That is a long time (been there) and it's an important bond.

Have you share with her any of what you just wrote? I wish you could go and show her this post.

A few months back, I was experiencing similar feelings. With support from fellow babblers, I went to therapy the next day and shared with her all this pain. I wanted to matter to her. I needed to know she cared and thought about me outside of her office. Surprisingly, (but maybe not) she told me she did care about me. She said, "When I work this closely with someone, of course I care about them. I'm not a robot. You do matter to me."

If I wanted to take a therapy break, I can imagine the conversations my T and I would discuss about feeling a need for a break.

If you feel you need to go back, I hope you pick up the phone and call her.

Annie

 

(((((Bent))))) (nm) » annierose

Posted by Susan47 on January 31, 2006, at 19:55:44

In reply to Re: starting my therapy break » bent, posted by annierose on January 31, 2006, at 17:48:35

 

Re: starting my therapy break » bent

Posted by Dinah on January 31, 2006, at 20:51:01

In reply to starting my therapy break, posted by bent on January 31, 2006, at 17:24:09

I think it's telling that you haven't discussed this in any depth with her lately. Have you told her what you said in the post?

Clearly I understand. There's a part of me that doesn't wish to connect too much again because I want to be ok if I lose him.

But... From my experience, separation was a mixed bag as far as making me feel better. I think an enforced separation *did* make me less dependent. But I also think it made me feel worse overall.

 

Re: starting my therapy break » bent

Posted by LittleGirlLost on January 31, 2006, at 21:24:10

In reply to starting my therapy break, posted by bent on January 31, 2006, at 17:24:09

> Sorry to go on. I’m just feeling so raw and sad (and maybe confused) right now.
>

((((Bent)))) I feel like I don't have anything helpful to say, but wanted you to know how much I feel/hear your pain. The intense feelings after sessions, the endless curiosities... reading your post was like reading my mind. I feel much the way you described and have also been thinking about taking a break. (Though I have to admit I am a chicken, and also afraid of giving up MY timeslot.) Things have just been "off" for a few weeks now, and I don't know how to get back on track; or even what it is I need.

You also said, "it hurts when I wonder about her life." I can SO relate. If I'm not hurting because I just saw her, then I'm hurting because I want to see her again. If it's neither, then I'm hurting because she is on my mind. That is the main reason I don't post as much as I would like. You're so right.. Just wondering about her hurts. Why is that?

I hope that this break gives you what you are looking for and that you will allow yourself to call her if you need to. Be well.

lgl

 

Re: starting my therapy break » bent

Posted by Daisym on January 31, 2006, at 23:19:08

In reply to starting my therapy break, posted by bent on January 31, 2006, at 17:24:09

I want to wrap a warm blanket around you and just rock you. You sound so determined to be independent and yet so sad. There is a lot here to talk over with your therapist. I hope you can keep a journal of how you are feeling over the next month and open up the discussion when you return.

You are very brave. I hope it helps.

 

Re: starting my therapy break

Posted by bent on February 1, 2006, at 8:09:26

In reply to Re: starting my therapy break » bent, posted by Daisym on January 31, 2006, at 23:19:08

Daisy, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your post. I am very conflicted on whether or not a break was the right decision...whether I'm really trying to help myself or just run from what hurts. Regardless I wondered where the courage to test my independance was coming from. I felt stupid thinking this requires bravery but really it does. Thank you for seeing that. I feel like you understand what a hard decision this was.

 

Re: post above for Daisy (nm)

Posted by bent on February 1, 2006, at 8:10:40

In reply to Re: starting my therapy break, posted by bent on February 1, 2006, at 8:09:26

 

Re: starting my therapy break » annierose

Posted by bent on February 1, 2006, at 8:23:59

In reply to Re: starting my therapy break » bent, posted by annierose on January 31, 2006, at 17:48:35

I agree that the dream wasnt just a random one. It says a lot about how i feel I guess. I love what your therapist said to you. That is what I want. Did it make a difference to you to hear it from her? Even though I am sure my T cares about me, some part of me is just dying to hear it from her. Maybe its a younger feeling, i dont know. There have been a few other times when I have talked to my T about a break but we never followed through with it. It was obvious I was running. I know she would never flat out say no to a break but she always wants to explore why i feel i need it. And we did yesterday but quite superficially. She knows I struggle with my feelings about her but I havent really explained the pain I feel when I start thinking about being 'just another client' or how much I hate how much i think about her. It feels so embarassing. I'd feel like a freak telling her I wonder about her life and it hurts me. I wonder if it will ever subside. It been hanging on for years and it feels like it wont ever go away...unless of course I try to force some space between us. Thanks for the support. I am not sure what I want to do yet. I know I will have to address all this with her eventually. I'm feeling a lot more sad about this then I thought I would.

 

Re: starting my therapy break » Dinah

Posted by bent on February 1, 2006, at 8:43:26

In reply to Re: starting my therapy break » bent, posted by Dinah on January 31, 2006, at 20:51:01

This reminds me of something my therapist said to me one time. She said that I would never find relationships fulfilling if I was always worried about and preparing for their end. I have many relationship yet it's only the one I have with my T that always has me worried about how it's gonna end. I dont get it. I love my fiance but I dont worry about losing him. Maybe its because I know my relationship with him can last forever, where my relationship with my T was designed to eventually end the day it began.

 

Re: starting my therapy break » LittleGirlLost

Posted by bent on February 1, 2006, at 8:48:56

In reply to Re: starting my therapy break » bent, posted by LittleGirlLost on January 31, 2006, at 21:24:10

LGL- I know we havent talked a lot but when we do it seems we have very similar feelings. I think we both understand the pain we feel. I'm not glad this is what we have in common but I am glad to know I am not alone. I wish i could answer all those 'why' questions. If I ever get the answers I will send them to you first. It's only been a day since I saw my T but I am surprised at how sad I feel. I wish I could crawl into a hole and sleep until my next appointment. I hate that I feel that dependent.

 

Re: starting my therapy break » bent

Posted by annierose on February 1, 2006, at 10:54:00

In reply to Re: starting my therapy break » annierose, posted by bent on February 1, 2006, at 8:23:59

Yes, it did help to hear it from her. But what really really helped, was having the conversation. Sharing my pain, my fears, my longing --- all those emotions that you feel silly about --- that is what needs to be brought forward. That is when we can begin to feel some relief --- and I do mean "some". Therapy is still hard, and still painful at times, but I am continually trying to put those feelings into words. I know how hard and funny it feels. Please try to share them. She won't think it is funny or silly. She will help you. Give her the chance to tell you how she feels.

My T is psychodynamic and keeps firm boundaries so I didn't expect her to say much. But she did. So I am glad I put myself out there and she in kind, responded.

(((((((((((BENT))))))))))))

Keep sharing.

 

would it be wrong of me...?

Posted by bent on February 2, 2006, at 9:50:11

In reply to starting my therapy break, posted by bent on January 31, 2006, at 17:24:09

Would it be wrong of me to talk to someone else before I go back to my T? I plan to talk about everything this break has brought up for me when I go back to my T at the end of the month. But before then could I talk to someone else about how I feel, about how I am weighing the pros and cons of my therapy, about how I will go about talking to my T when I go back? I have two people in mind that I could talk to. Both are therapists and both know me and know that I am in rather intense therapy. One is my EAP therapist at work. I have talked to him a few times over the past five years. The other is a therapist that works in the same practice where my T does. I got to know her because my fiancé and I did some couples work with her. I like her a lot and I am sure she’d have no problem meeting with me. And I am sure she would not let my T know I talked to her. In a way all this seems sneaky though. Like I am cheating on my therapist! Or talking about her behind her back…but at the same time I feel like I need to make the decision based on what I need, not how I think she’d feel. She may not ever have to know about it. Ultimately, my mind won’t be at rest until I talk directly to her (my T) but I feel like I need a little guidance regarding the larger picture of where I am with therapy. I don’t know what to do. If it weren’t so hard I’d quit all together. Any thoughts?


This is the end of the thread.


Show another thread

URL of post in thread:


Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ


[dr. bob] Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD, bob@dr-bob.org

Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.