Posted by bent on January 31, 2006, at 17:24:09
I am trying to take a therapy break. This is my first break since I began working with my T four years ago. We have each had vacations but this is different. I know neither of us is on vacation. Everything else is normal, but no therapy. I have been feeling the need for a break for some time. Feelings in therapy, about therapy, about my T have been so intense. My T knows this but we haven’t talked about it in detail in a long time. Therapy is so painful because I have such strong feelings about my T. Mainly maternal transference. The unequal relationship is torture to me right now. I want to convince myself I am a merely a number in my T’s day. It hurts to know that I have been crying off and on today thinking about the next four weeks that I have designated my therapy break, but she wont feel any pain. It doesn’t hurt her. She is not attached like a leach and desperate for the hurt to go away. My feelings are so intense after the sessions and she just moves on to the next person. The thing is I am totally ok with the therapeutic relationship and its boundaries. I don’t want my T to bend the rules; I don’t want her to be my friend, my mother. I just want her to be my T. So if I have what I want in a therapist, why am I hurting so much? I don’t want more from my T than she can give me, yet it hurts when I wonder about her life. I have such curiosity. I wonder what kind of mom she is and what she likes and….its endless. But why? I don’t want these things from her…but I think about them all the time and it hurts. We both have a sense of respect, trust, and caring for each other I think. But I need to hear it. I need to feel it. Just once I want her to tell me she cares about me. Even if it’s only in the context of the therapeutic relationship. That’s all I want. Is it normal to know it in my heart that she cares but I want to hear it?
Its hard thinking I have almost a month ahead of me without seeing my T, even harder to think that one day therapy will end and I won’t have her at all. ****possible trigger ahead**** I even had a dream that she died while I was on my ‘break’ and I was devastated not only that she was gone but that I never got to tell her how much I appreciate all she has done for me. That dream is almost scaring me. Like I’m getting paranoid…what if something would happen? I need to tell her now how important she is to me…. I am getting carried away with the fear I guess. My T said I could call if something were to come up for me or if I felt I couldn’t wait the four weeks. It hasn’t even been a day. I do want this break. For myself to stand alone and not be dependent for a few weeks but also because my mind is telling me that a little space in the relationship will make it hurt less. Sorry to go on. I’m just feeling so raw and sad (and maybe confused) right now.
poster:bent
thread:604897
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060131/msgs/604897.html