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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on January 29, 2006, at 16:26:27
I actually feel better after today's session, even though I have no earthly idea why. We talked about the elephant in the room, how depressed I was about the caring gap. About how much more I cared for him than he cared for me. And overall he agreed with me. There was a caring gap. And perhaps that was an illusion best shed. So why should I feel better?
He was saying it was the type of caring that made for part of the difference in the gap. Then we got stuck in whether the quantity of caring (as opposed to the type) made a difference or not, which ended up with him yelling at me and me confronting him on not feeling like I was able to talk about the most important thing in my life right now because it made him mad. And he said yes, we could talk about it, and yes, he'd get mad. And that if he didn't care about me, he wouldn't get mad at me.
I don't know. He was focusing on the fact that he was part of my support circle while I wasn't a part of his support circle, so I reached out to him and he was reaching out to others. And how that was right and proper or we'd just be friends, and he couldn't be my therapist. Or talking about his realness and lack of pretense of perfection. While I was trying to convey that that wasn't the point. Argh. Darned if I know why I feel better.
It really does make a difference to me if I care about him, say 10, on a numerical scale. And if he cares about me, say 2. That makes the gap too big and makes me feel like an idiot. I think the quantity does make a difference. :(
I'm trying to think of how to say it so he'll understand.
My mother was a teacher and she cared about all of her students as individuals. Even the ones she wouldn't have liked particularly if she wasn't their teacher and didn't need to find something likeable about them. But the year would end, and they'd leave, and it was no big deal. She'd probably remember them if they stopped her in the street, even years later, and fondly. But she wouldn't really think of them away from school or remember them fondly if she didn't happen to see them to jog her memory.
But then there were some students who I heard about all year. "Jessica said this. Jessica did that." and I'd hear about them for, well, really forever. Every once in a while something would remind her of Jessica or Mary or Suzanne (hmmm... almost always girls) and she'd tell a story about them or wonder how they're doing. She really *cared* about those students.
I think there was a teacher or two who thought of me as a Jessica. And here's this person that I care about so much. I don't want it to leave the confines of the therapy office. I don't want to hang out with him, or to be his pal. But I do want to be a Jessica to him. Do you think he'd understand if I said I wanted to be a Jessica to him?
Posted by Dinah on January 29, 2006, at 16:52:18
In reply to Caring gap, posted by Dinah on January 29, 2006, at 16:26:27
Maybe I just feel relieved.
Because if I felt better, I wouldn't be heading for the rum. :)
Posted by frida on January 29, 2006, at 18:23:15
In reply to Maybe I don't feel better, posted by Dinah on January 29, 2006, at 16:52:18
Dear Dinah,
Oh, this post you wrote..made me cry.
I think it expresses it so sweetly and painfully too.And I do think you're a Jessica to your T.
I'm a teacher too, and that's right, as much as I care about *all* my students, there are some that find the way straight to my heart,usually it's the ones who are more in need of love and affection and protection..
and I tell you, for example, I've had a student in my teaching practices, years from now, and I see her now and I love hearing from her, and helping her and being there for her if she needs me. I love her dearly, she even has confided in me that she's in T.
What I'm trying to say is that I'm sure that you are special to your T and he truly cares about you. You've shared a history together, a lot of time, emotions, moments...a lot. That is real and important for you and for him too.
He's been with you all that time..he knows you and cares about you.My T also tells me that yes, she does love me and cares about me and I'm important for her. I try to find this in her actions, and I must admit I do find evidence to this :-)
I know it's hard for us to believe but they are human beings and they have feelings, and we can touch their hearts. I truly believe it.
I do believe my T cares and loves me. She has proved that to me.
I know it's different from a friendship, maybe that is what your T was trying to explain. It is different.But it doesn't mean they can't love us.
I do believe your T does love youlove and support,
Frida (after having waited a month and a half for my T's return, she's about to come back :-)))
Posted by Dinah on January 29, 2006, at 19:06:32
In reply to Re: Maybe I don't feel better » Dinah, posted by frida on January 29, 2006, at 18:23:15
Wow. A month and a half. I'm so glad she's nearly back! I remember what that was like.
I guess that in the past I did find evidence that he cared about me. There was actually plenty of evidence. I'm just having trouble holding on to that memory in the face of what's been going on lately.
Thank you for not thinking I'm being stupid. :) That means a lot to me.
Posted by rs on January 29, 2006, at 19:14:34
In reply to Caring gap, posted by Dinah on January 29, 2006, at 16:26:27
Hi Dinah
I am sorry for jumping in here. I know I do not post often.
Thank you so much for sharing what you did. what frida wrote was very touching and supportive for me. I agree with that your T cares much for you. Please try to hold onto that ok?
frida thank you for sharing what you did.
Again to both of you I am sorry for jumping in.
Posted by Dinah on January 29, 2006, at 19:20:03
In reply to Re: Caring gap » Dinah, posted by rs on January 29, 2006, at 19:14:34
I hope you always feel free to join in. It's never an intrusion.
Yes, what Frida said was very comforting. And it got me thinking about the times where he did appear to care. Maybe I'm being too harsh with him. I tend not to be able to keep my memories of feeling differently than I do at the moment all that well.
I'll try to dwell on those memories instead.
Posted by frida on January 29, 2006, at 19:31:02
In reply to Re: Caring gap » Dinah, posted by rs on January 29, 2006, at 19:14:34
Dear rs,
please don't apologize for posting. Actually knowing that my sharing helped you some, helps me too :-) i'm glad you posted..
sending support,
frida
Posted by frida on January 29, 2006, at 19:37:52
In reply to Re: Maybe I don't feel better » frida, posted by Dinah on January 29, 2006, at 19:06:32
Dear Dinah,
I understand how hard it is for you right now after everything that has happened.
My sense of safety would be shaken too.It's hard sometimes to remember the things that make us feel they do care..and when something happens, it's easy to feel everything is fragile. But I have faith that you and your T will work this out and you'll feel safe again. He does care about you and to me, he's always shown that he wants to make this work. 10 years or so are a long time. You've built a lot. Nothing can make that go away...
I often tell that to myself when I have doubts about my T. SOmetimes I doubt if she does care and a part of me feels certain she doesn't, esp now that i haven't seen her in so long, but I tell myself that nothing can destroy or make our "history" go away. It's a long time shared. She always tells me the caring and love is different, but it doesn't mean it's less. I do feel loved by her.
I am sorry you can't feel that right now with your T.
I'm certain he does care, and I hope you can feel safer with him soon...
You've been through a lot lately with him, and you are still trying to work it out together..that is important and tells me that both are committed to the relationship...wishing you safety with him,
Frida
ps.and of course you're not being stupid. If my sense of safety were shaken that way I would be feeling the same way..>
Posted by fallsfall on January 29, 2006, at 22:02:13
In reply to Caring gap, posted by Dinah on January 29, 2006, at 16:26:27
I think your Jessica story is very clear. You should tell that story to him.
Hoping that things settle down for you soon!
Posted by JenStar on January 29, 2006, at 22:11:25
In reply to Caring gap, posted by Dinah on January 29, 2006, at 16:26:27
hi Dinah,
I TOTALLY get that you want to be a Jessica to him! *I* always want to be a Jessica, too, to many people. I completely understand the desire to be cared for in a way that is more special than the rest of the crowd.I think you MUST be special to him in a certain way, because you've been together for so long. How could you not? But also, it would probably be inappropriate for him to say it, right? Because it would be crossing boundaries to tell you that you mean more than other clients? Or would it be OK to say it?
I don't know. But I'm willing to believe you ARE special to him.
JenStar
Posted by JenStar on January 29, 2006, at 22:16:48
In reply to Caring gap, posted by Dinah on January 29, 2006, at 16:26:27
Dinah,
I love the way you wrote about the Jessica story. It's so real and true. It hit home for me because I myself secretly yearn to be a Jessica all the time.I've taught before (adults), and it's true: I *do* care for some students more than others. Some people stick in my head for various reasons: Sometimes they're smart, sometimes they're funny, sometimes they're talented, sometimes I just *like* them for who they are. Of course some people stick in my head b/c they were annoying jerks, or pests, or show-offs or bullies...
There are people whose names I still remember. And others whose faces I've blanked out -- if they came up to me on the street I wouldn't recongize them!
I guess the brain allocates only a certain amt of space for "student" or "client" info. The special ones stay, and I find myself caring more about them. But I still do care about all of the students, and I want them to learn.
But enough about ME...back to YOU... from all you've written, I have to believe you ARE a Jessica to your T. But I really also believe he won't/can't tell you. It's a weird situation...but I honestly believe he DOES care.
JenStar
Posted by fairywings on January 29, 2006, at 23:51:49
In reply to Caring gap, posted by Dinah on January 29, 2006, at 16:26:27
Dinah, this is completely understandable. I think the quantity is important, and even if he didn't think it was important, obviously it's important to you, so it matters.But I think your analogy of the teacher is excellent. I know I was "teachers pet" sometimes, and it made me feel special, loved, cared about, and I think fondly of those teachers. I think he should understand that you want to be a "Jessica", esp. because of the length and intensity of your relationship.
fw
Posted by Dinah on January 30, 2006, at 9:59:18
In reply to Re: Caring gap » Dinah, posted by fairywings on January 29, 2006, at 23:51:49
Because in the past, he has let me know that I was a Jessica to him. Both verbally and in actions. And just because his actions lately tend to contradict the earlier actions, I shouldn't assume that it's because I've ceased to be special to him.
I guess when depression is looming over me it sucks up all those positive memories, or makes them seem like they belonged to a different person. Or maybe Pre-K me just feels like a different person entirely.
Posted by Dinah on January 30, 2006, at 18:01:30
In reply to I called him and apologized, posted by Dinah on January 30, 2006, at 9:59:18
About setting an extra appointment this week. (He had the wit to ask me to call him this time.)
He clearly went to an effort to inject extra warmth into his tone. I feel kind of guilty that he felt he needed to do that. But on the other hand, I was touched. :)
Now why do I feel better?
Posted by fallsfall on January 30, 2006, at 22:28:05
In reply to I talked to him today, posted by Dinah on January 30, 2006, at 18:01:30
Because your name is Jessica.
Posted by Dinah on January 30, 2006, at 22:42:13
In reply to Re: I talked to him today » Dinah, posted by fallsfall on January 30, 2006, at 22:28:05
But only because I work so very hard at it. :)
This is the end of the thread.
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