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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on January 22, 2006, at 21:21:53
It's more than just emotional pain right now, physical pain, too, and tiredness. I am just dragging through my days and not even trying to do anything at all -- except sleep. I am trying to sleep all day, so that I can avoid the whole day. I'm not particularly sleepy, just avoidant.
I can't quite manage to speak out loud, and don't really know why I'm bothering to write this, since I don't really have anything to say.
Is this all from therapy? I am beating myself up so much right now.
I think it's partly in response to that pdoc. I'm failing again, and she's looking like preparing to be like the last one -- write me off as someone who can't be helped. And partly the group therapy at my Ts, which is great -- except that everyone else is bulimic, and I feel so isolated there. I can't say I'm ashamed of my anorexia, nor embarrassed by it, at least not nearly the way they are. I'm just ashamed at my absolute failure to lose weight. I'm so far the fattest person there, and I hate that. And the oldest. And here I can hardly leave the house and htey're all working, mostly with advanced degrees, etc.
Sorry. Guess it's just another case of me being a pathetic loser. A failure.
I don't know why I'm posting this.
Posted by Daisym on January 22, 2006, at 22:30:24
In reply to just feeling so ground down and hurting, posted by Racer on January 22, 2006, at 21:21:53
(((Racer)))
You are posting simply because you need someone to feel your pain and help hold you with it. I wish my arms were longer.
You aren't a failure. I KNOW this. I was thinking about you today when I read that pfinstegg's safety was her horse. I bet you really get that. Mine is my cat. I know you have a unique way with horses so no failure there.
I can relate to being the oldest, fattest one in the room. Happens to me a lot these days. But I doubt anyone else notices the way we notice. I doubt anyone cares the way we care. Don't buy into the shame. You are doing the best you can. That is all we can ask of ourselves.
I think therapy might be opening up lots of paths to pain, both emotional and physical. There are times when my chest hurts so much I think there must be something really wrong with me. But unfortunately (?) it is only the intensity of releasing so many old feelings that is making me hurt.
Hang in there. One day at a time. We haven't written you off and never will.
Posted by ClearSkies on January 23, 2006, at 7:12:40
In reply to just feeling so ground down and hurting, posted by Racer on January 22, 2006, at 21:21:53
Racer,
I am finding that the direction my therapy goes in has a delayed and profound effect on how I feel physically. Stirring up feelings and thoughts also stirs up my depression and mood swings. I am more aware of how uncontrolled my physical symptoms are, even on medications. At the same time, after an incredibly dumb couple of days when I tried to decrease the dosage of one of them, I have a greater appreciation of the effectiveness of the drugs.
What I'm doing at the moment in therapy is reading a book... and thinking about what I've read. This has been enough for me to examine my thoughts and feelings with a lot more intensity, and hopefully, insight. The whole experience makes me feel pretty crummy. Realizing that my overreactions to what others say to me is all about how I feel about myself rather than how others might feel about me?? well, I am reeling. And sleeping. And getting fat. And feeling very much not OK. And this is all just from READING. Gaahhh!The pdoc conversation about your efforts in therapy really needs to be addressed next time you see him. Have you talked with your T about what the pdoc said? What was her feedback? Maybe THEY need to speak with each other so you aren't feeling so pulled apart.
I wish the group therapy was of more use to you. Feeling isolated in a group with others is something I'm used to - my sobriety group, for example, has no other members who deal with mental health issues as I do. The last time I described how my depression was altering how I felt about my sobriety, my comments fell into an untidy pile on the floor in front of me. These compassionate women had no idea how to relate to me, except to suggest that I go to my pdoc and have my medications assessed. So I can relate how you're in a group where you are "supposed" to feel supported, but instead feel more isolated. I try to filter out the bits that don't fit me - OK, the huge chunks that don't fit - and take in the important parts that do address the common issues. Try thinking about what you have in common with the others in the group... what has brought you together? What common goals do you share?
I hope this doesn't come off as a finger-wagging post. I just wanted you to know that I understand how frsutrated you must feel that your treatment is leaving you feeling so badly right now.
ClearSkies
Posted by fallsfall on January 23, 2006, at 8:39:41
In reply to just feeling so ground down and hurting, posted by Racer on January 22, 2006, at 21:21:53
I can so relate to the "let's sleep so we don't have to experience the day" feeling.
I feel lucky that I see my therapist 3/week and I can walk in and say "This is a nap day" (this is what I said on Friday). Somehow we have figured out how to (most days) identify what the trigger is for that day. If I didn't see him so often it would get more entrenched and I wouldn't be able to untangle the triggers. Only by attacking these days one day at a time can I get on with things. "Dropping out" is a very ingrained coping mechanism for me.
It is so hard when this feeling is chronic, but I think that we just chipped away at it until I had one good day, and then a couple of good days. Now we are at maybe 60% good, 40% nap. When I started having more good days than nap days it got a lot easier to deal with the nap days.
So, it IS possible to make progress against this demon.
(((Racer)))
Posted by muffled on January 23, 2006, at 13:41:19
In reply to just feeling so ground down and hurting, posted by Racer on January 22, 2006, at 21:21:53
Hey racer, this is muffled,
I don't fit in neither. Never have. Don't got much education either. I'm kindof a useless sack of sh*t.
But I am not gonna quit cuz I got irl kids that depend on me.
Therapy is totally f*cking me up.
I'm in pieces.
I think your nice racer. I read your stuff. I think you belong here.
Proly not making you feel better.
Sorry,
You not alone anyways.
Muffled
Posted by fairywings on January 23, 2006, at 16:29:49
In reply to just feeling so ground down and hurting, posted by Racer on January 22, 2006, at 21:21:53
hi racer,i'm sorry you're feeling so bad, what's going on in therapy that's got you wanting to escape the world?
Can you tell your pdoc what your thoughts are?
That you think she's writing you off?I would guess that a lot of ppl compare themselves to others and feel they come up short, but esp. in a group where body image is key, and esp. if you feel different from the others in the group. is it possible other ppl in the group have the same feelings?
fw
Posted by Susan47 on January 26, 2006, at 23:07:28
In reply to just feeling so ground down and hurting, posted by Racer on January 22, 2006, at 21:21:53
> It's more than just emotional pain right now, physical pain, too, and tiredness. I am just dragging through my days and not even trying to do anything at all -- except sleep. I am trying to sleep all day, so that I can avoid the whole day. I'm not particularly sleepy, just avoidant.
Are you having physical pain because of your emotions or thoughts? Epsom salts in a hot bath can relieve the physical pain quite a bit. For the emotional pain ... well, you're not a loser and you're not pathetic. Convincing yourself of the opposite, knowing your values and strengths and embracing your weaknesses, that can really help heal a person. Finding the right path to bring you there, that's the thing. I'm glad you posted.
This is the end of the thread.
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