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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by fallsfall on January 20, 2006, at 16:44:43
Transference isn't just for therapy... And it isn't just for people... And it isn't just about love...
Last night I did a presentation for the library trustees at my library. I presented a Community Analysis that 3 other students and I had done for a class I took last semester. I thought it was important to do this presentation for them because they need to be able to accomplish some things (like get us a building) that haven't been possible so far. The Community Analysis is a first step in generating a well thought out plan for the future. The analysis recommends some changes in philosophy which I think will help get them past some sticky problems that they have been having.
The presentation went well. They were attentive, asked some good questions (and some easy ones, too!). But I left without the feeling that they would act on my recommendations. This is perfectly within their rights, but I think it would be a mistake.
This morning when I got up, I just wanted to take a nap (and I did take one before therapy at 9:15). This is a typical way for me to feel when I want to drop out of the world. The discussion in therapy migrated to two times in my past when different bosses humiliated me very publically when I had worked my hardest and done my very best. Even though the current situation is different from those times (I was responsible for things in the past - I have no responsibility to make my library successful, my bosses in the past had asked me to do the tasks - I took this on myself, I have no proof that they WON"T follow my advice, Other than ignoring my advice there is no way that they would humiliate me publically), I think that my feelings today date back to those times in my past.
So since I know this, aren't I supposed to start feeling better? Why can't I look at this realistically? Why am I still reliving the pain of the past, even though this situation is clearly different?
Posted by Dinah on January 20, 2006, at 18:42:51
In reply to Transference outside of therapy, posted by fallsfall on January 20, 2006, at 16:44:43
You recognize it. That's the first step. It may just take a bit longer for it to sink in emotionally.
I agree with you. Life is full of transference. Therapy is helpful in that you're supposed to learn when you're experiencing transference so that you see the world the way it really is.
And you're getting there!
Posted by Dinah on January 20, 2006, at 18:44:17
In reply to Transference outside of therapy, posted by fallsfall on January 20, 2006, at 16:44:43
By the way, are you confident in yourself that you did a good job?
If you are, then whatever they do with the information is surely a reflection of their own critical thinking and values, and doesn't reflect on you.
Posted by Tamar on January 20, 2006, at 19:45:13
In reply to Transference outside of therapy, posted by fallsfall on January 20, 2006, at 16:44:43
> So since I know this, aren't I supposed to start feeling better? Why can't I look at this realistically? Why am I still reliving the pain of the past, even though this situation is clearly different?
Maybe because the past still hurts, and this reminds you of it?
Is this partly about your sense of responsibility? (Is that question either really silly or really obvious?) And… there’s also a lot of disappointment if you’ve worked hard on something and people don’t follow your recommendations.
Did you feel they weren’t particularly enthusiastic about the work you’d done? I can imagine that would cause you to feel your work wasn’t appreciated. And maybe they should have been more appreciative of your efforts.
I reckon one of the hardest lessons of professional life is that good ideas are sometimes ignored. Your ideas could be brilliant but if they don’t accord with current management strategy they might be completely ignored. It’s hard to take a step back and say, “My work was good, my ideas were good, but perhaps the timing just isn’t right, or perhaps management wants to go in a different direction at the moment.”
It’s hard not to take that kind of thing personally. But I tend to think the happiest people are those who let the rejection of an *idea* wash over them (because it’s not a *personal* rejection) and wake up the next day with a new idea.
Public humiliation, of course, is very rude; your previous bosses should be ashamed of themselves. There is no excuse for a boss publicly humiliating an employee. It’s just plain unprofessional. It indicates very poor management and very unpleasant working environments. I simply wouldn’t work with someone who humiliated their employees publicly (lucky me; I get to choose).
I reckon work is particularly hard because it feels personal but we’re not supposed to show our feelings. So we pretend to be robots when underneath we’re seething…
I really hope they do adopt your ideas; I’m sure your ideas were really good ones!
Tamar
Posted by gardenergirl on January 20, 2006, at 21:10:19
In reply to Re: Transference outside of therapy » fallsfall, posted by Tamar on January 20, 2006, at 19:45:13
I'm starting to wonder if transference outside of therapy, and old stuff coming up in new events is just always going to happen and always going to hurt. Like Dinah said, maybe it's in the recognizing that you get yourself out of it sooner than in the past when we stayed mired in it because we were blind?
I don't know. Perhaps I'll ask this next week.
And if it's true, that really stinks.
gg
Posted by fallsfall on January 20, 2006, at 23:01:30
In reply to Re: Transference outside of therapy » fallsfall, posted by Dinah on January 20, 2006, at 18:44:17
Yes, I did a good job. I'm sure of that (we got an A on the project to prove it). So I have outside evidence that the work is good.
So if they don't take my advice, no it doesn't reflect on me. But it also doesn't help my library...
Posted by fallsfall on January 20, 2006, at 23:07:15
In reply to Re: Transference outside of therapy » fallsfall, posted by Tamar on January 20, 2006, at 19:45:13
Yes, the past still hurts.
Part of the problem is that I feel responsibility towards things that I have no actual responsibility for. So I have no responsibility and no power, and then get hurt because I can't "fix" things that aren't mine to fix in the first place. I would love to save the world.
My previous bosses SHOULD be ashamed of themselves. My therapist pointed out that I surely presented a very tough, together exterior. So it is possible that they didn't know that what they did would hurt me. I almost buy that for the second one, but not the first.
I'm so lucky to have this therapeutic opportunity so I can work on this stuff.
Thanks for your thoughts.
Posted by fallsfall on January 20, 2006, at 23:09:23
In reply to Re: Transference outside of therapy, posted by gardenergirl on January 20, 2006, at 21:10:19
I'm hopeful that I can "work through" these old injuries (my therapist called them "injuries to my self esteem"), so that they won't continue to haunt me. But I think that you are right, that "unworked through" things will crop up until we work them through. (Please don't tell me that they will crop up no matter what we do - I need to hold some hope for the future!)
Posted by gardenergirl on January 20, 2006, at 23:10:33
In reply to Re: Transference outside of therapy » gardenergirl, posted by fallsfall on January 20, 2006, at 23:09:23
> (Please don't tell me that they will crop up no matter what we do - I need to hold some hope for the future!)
Sorry, I think I'm just being negative lately.gg
Posted by Poet on January 21, 2006, at 17:13:41
In reply to Transference outside of therapy, posted by fallsfall on January 20, 2006, at 16:44:43
Hi Fallsfall,
I'm struggling with my feeling like a failure and so I understand reliving the pain of the past when you know deep down that what happened in the present was nothing like it.
What happened to you in the past was a major hit to your self confidence. I think you are beginning to look at this realistically or you wouldn't be questioning why you have these old feelings. You're not making the current situation into a bad one. You know you did a great job and nobody humiliated you. You are fighting that old pain by questioning it's existance. That is realistic.
I hope the board acts on your ideas.
Poet
Posted by fallsfall on January 21, 2006, at 18:21:17
In reply to Re: Transference outside of therapy » fallsfall, posted by Poet on January 21, 2006, at 17:13:41
Thanks for the vote of confidence, Poet.
I just hope this gets easier with time.
This is the end of the thread.
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