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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by antigua on January 11, 2006, at 9:54:45
I've been thinking about this for a couple of days, after I had a horrendous experience that should have ended me up in the ER, but since I didn't call my T or Pdoc I didn't think of going on my own. A very bad reaction to Antabuse and drinking a couple of drinks. Very stupid.
In any case, I really like my T, she has been wonderful to me for the past 15 years, but I don't think I've ever truly broken through to trusting her completely. Like, why didn't I call her when I had this episode? Why didn't I call her after? I think I was protecting her, which led me to think of my mother.
I've always been the perfect daughter, protecting my mother always, but I've always had my worst downward spirals after I've seen her, as if I can hold it together when I'm with her, but all the pain (and probably anger, which I never express toward her) has to pour out afterward. She was always abandoning me when I was young and she freely admits she turned my brother and I over to my father for primary care when my youngest sibling was born and was very sick.
I've never told her what he did to me, for two reasons really: 1) I'm afraid of what it will do to her and 2) it ruined her relationship with my brother when he confronted her over his own sa (by someone different, not our father). He blamed her for not protecting him. They are working their way back toward a better relationship, but I don't want to go through that with her.
But I've been thinking. I haven't been able to break through w/my T because I've always been protecting her. Just a repeat pattern.
In any case, I'm going to visit my mother at the end of the month for four days and I'm thinking of telling her about my father. Not in an accusatory way, but so that there aren't any secrets anymore. I won't blame her, I just want her to know, to relieve my own burden. Selfish, yes, but I'm afraid of doing even more damage to myself if I don't.
The first question of course is what do I expect from her? I'm hoping that if I don't attack, she won't retaliate w/hate and cut me out of her life as she has w/some of my other siblings. It's complicated.
I have several weeks, and T sessions, to go before I see my mother so I'll have a chance to work it out w/my T. I told her today.
So what do you guys think? Is it better to let sleeping dogs lie?
antigua
Posted by daisym on January 11, 2006, at 10:08:35
In reply to I think I'm going to tell my mother **trigger**, posted by antigua on January 11, 2006, at 9:54:45
I understand the urge completely. Who better to get comfort from than your mom? Even if that is a fantasy we carry around, I think the little kid in us will always wish for the mom to make it all better.
I think you are very brave. And it seems like you've put a lot of thought into this. Everything I've read suggests that the major part of the healing comes after the secrets are all out. You are right about the amount of energy it takes to conceal all that and the anger too.
If you know what you want and you are prepared to not get it, then I think you are ready. I'm sure it won't be easy. I'm glad you are preparing yourself in therapy.
I have a thought about protecting our therapists. Don't you think it is natural, and positive, human behavior to protect those we care about? Seems like the most primitive impulse we have. It doesn't mean you don't trust someone, it means you don't want them to hurt. (I'm not saying you do or don't trust your therapist here.) And I don't think that is all bad. Kindness is so rare.
I'm sorry you had a bad episode. I'm not sure I would have called my therapist either. And for me, that is more about protecting myself than him.
Let me know how I can support you the next few weeks as you take this really hard step.
Love and hugs,
Daisy
Posted by ClearSkies on January 11, 2006, at 14:28:31
In reply to I think I'm going to tell my mother **trigger**, posted by antigua on January 11, 2006, at 9:54:45
I have not, personally, been able to reduce my expectations of my mother enough. Ever. If anything, she is getting worse as time goes on. Now she is questioning whether or not my dad was even an alcoholic, or instead fell down all the time because of a persistent inner ear infection. (Let's see, and that would explain sleeping on the sofa and peeing your pants how...???) I was astounded, angry beyond words, and bitterly, bitterly disappointed in myself and my mother, after this last exchange.
So, go carefully. Talk about it in depth with your therapist. Remember your mom's abilities thus far, and her behaviours. She might not be capable of the same growth that you are - ever.
Cautious and burned several times.
I'm thinking warm healing thoughts of you, Antigua.ClearSkies
Posted by Damos on January 11, 2006, at 15:44:32
In reply to I think I'm going to tell my mother **trigger**, posted by antigua on January 11, 2006, at 9:54:45
Dear Antigua, this is a really big thing and I wish I had some sage advice or experience to share, but I don't. Please just know that you can come and vent, scream, rant rage to me any old time, and that there are plenty of warm, safe hugs here if you need them too.
(((((Antigua)))))
Posted by muffled on January 11, 2006, at 16:01:24
In reply to Re: I think I'm going to tell my mother **trigger** » antigua, posted by Damos on January 11, 2006, at 15:44:32
Wow Antigua, thats sure a tough one. Its nice you posted this thread cuz you'll proly help others with it too.
I did the A and alcohol thing. Never been so sick in my life. Hugged the toilet for many, many hours. Don't remember being put to bed. I woke up with 10 blankets on me, literally. My sister kept piling them on cuz I was shaking so. Don't remember that part. She's an Bsc R.N. so they said I could stay home if she monitored me. I refused to goto the hosp. She's a nurse but even she was pretty freaked by the reaction. Bad news. Glad your ok.
Muffled
Posted by antigua on January 11, 2006, at 16:31:28
In reply to Re: I think I'm going to tell my mother **trigger** » antigua, posted by daisym on January 11, 2006, at 10:08:35
Daisy,
you totally bowled me over. I never considered that my mother would provide comfort, and it was your first response. So very interesting. I don't think I want anything from her, I just want to tell her so it's off my chest. But maybe you are just right, comfort. But I am not going looking for it, but if it happened, I would be totally blown away.
you are the best,
antigua
Posted by antigua on January 11, 2006, at 16:35:26
In reply to Re: I think I'm going to tell my mother **trigger**, posted by ClearSkies on January 11, 2006, at 14:28:31
My mother rewrites history all the simes, so thanks for reminding me. I have to think about that she may not believe me and how I would respond to that. I think I'm mostly afraid that she will just cut me and my children off, and that I think would be the most painful. I need to really work through that possibility before I decided to tell.
thanks clearskies, you are always an inspiration,
antigua
Posted by antigua on January 11, 2006, at 16:36:29
In reply to Re: I think I'm going to tell my mother **trigger** » antigua, posted by Damos on January 11, 2006, at 15:44:32
I'll take all the safe hugs I can get. It's nice to know that I have you guys behind me. An invisible force of goodwill, so be it.
Thanks,
antigua
Posted by antigua on January 11, 2006, at 16:37:37
In reply to ((((Antigua)))), posted by muffled on January 11, 2006, at 16:01:24
Never again. My husband has a lot to do w/this as I hadn't been drinking in a long time, but that's a whole other story, that belongs on the other board. I'm just glad I'm fine.
never again,
thanks for your support,
antigua
Posted by antigua on January 11, 2006, at 17:00:46
In reply to Re: I think I'm going to tell my mother **trigger** » antigua, posted by daisym on January 11, 2006, at 10:08:35
Yes, I think it's natural to want to protect those we love, but in this case I think I'm repeating the pattern of not telling my mother with not telling my T certain things, which is interfering with my therapy, or at least I think it is. There's a little light inside that says I really don't trust her. But I just may be the kind of person who never, ever trusts. Sad, but true, because when I do trust, I tend to go overboard and ignore the realities of the person and trust unabashadley (sp?) when it always turns out wrong. That may sound cynical, but there is truth in it. I trust my children, but that's a whole different thing.
antigua
Posted by fairywings on January 11, 2006, at 19:23:22
In reply to I think I'm going to tell my mother **trigger**, posted by antigua on January 11, 2006, at 9:54:45
(((antigua)))
I agree, this is an incredibly tough decision, and it's good that you have some time to talk this out with your T. My question is, how would you feel if she were gone, and you no longer had that chance? Would you be okay and able to move on? Would you still let her approval rule you, even though she was gone. I'm not trying to be harsh, it's just that this is what happened to me. I never spoke up for myself.
I'd just look at what you can say from every angle, and what her responses might be from the best all the way to the worst, and how you will feel about it.
Good luck with this,
fw
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