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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by gardenergirl on December 14, 2005, at 21:47:06
Okay, hoping I don't jinx anything here. But the last week or so, I've really noticed that I'm doing better. I've been building towards that for awhile, I think. I'm actually (gasp!) depression-free for the first time in literally years. It's nice, but weird. I worried I was actually getting hypomanic, but it's really just me...non-depressed me.
So, in my session this week, my T commented that I don't have a "template" for being cared for as a non-sick person. He's been saying he thinks I'm trying to "give up the sick role", but I don't know what that leaves me, and I likely am anxious that no one will show their love and caring of the "well" me. (I know that doesn't make rational sense...)
It's true that as a child, I got the most attention and caring from my mom when I was sick or injured. She's a nurse and also somewhat self-centered. Also fairly anxious. I've been depressed a good part of my marriage, too, although when we were dating and in the first few years, I was the "vivacious" GG he met and fell in love with. She's been missing in action for awhile. :(
So, what do you talk about in therapy when you're doing well? I think that I'm worried he'll lose interest in me if I'm well, and I'll notice and feel rejected. And frankly, what do you talk about? It seems silly to say, "things are good." I don't know what else to say after that.
He's right. I don't have a template or not a very defined and "safe" one for being well.
I feel totally lost with this.
Any ideas, comments, experiences, or insight?
Thanks,
gg
Posted by daisym on December 15, 2005, at 0:18:52
In reply to Feeling better. Now what? Help?, posted by gardenergirl on December 14, 2005, at 21:47:06
I'm so glad you are doing well! Double edge sword though, isn't it?
I think you talk about whatever is on your mind. (Don't you love the rule about there are no rules?) But what seems on your mind is: "Who am I now?" If you aren't sick, and you aren't depressed, then who are you?? And who are these people in your life in relation to you? How do you relate to your mother is she isn't caring for your health? How do you stop waiting for a relapse into depression and reclaim your joy? How do you allow yourself a bad day without it turning into 3 or 4 or a month of bad days?
You could talk about how you take care of yourself if you aren't in therapy anymore. You've chosen a tough profession so self-care needs to be high on the list.
My therapist tells me that there are always things to talk about, that life is just like that. I admit to a huge amount of envy, but I'm glad you can enjoy the beauty of the Holidays.
Posted by All Done on December 15, 2005, at 2:24:58
In reply to Feeling better. Now what? Help?, posted by gardenergirl on December 14, 2005, at 21:47:06
What a great feeling, gg! After years, though, I can see how it would feel weird. Hopefully, it won't take you long to get used to. ;)
I can really relate to the mom thing and being sick. My mom was a nurse as well (and self-centered and anxious), and I really think sometimes she wanted me to be sick or something. I don't know if it gave her a focus or a chance to do what she felt she did best or what. Even to this day, she expresses more emotion with me if someone in my family is sick. I think it's the only way she knows how to relate to people sometimes. And, unfortunately, she taught me it's a good way to get attention. I swear, I spent more time out of school than in. Sorry I don't have any advice on this one. Wish I did.
Sometimes when I've felt less depressed, I've noticed I have pretty productive sessions. It felt like I was able to get out of a rut and discuss things that are important but don't necessarily feel like they relate to "why am I depressed?" I think you'll find things to talk about that are important to you, but maybe not "problems", so to speak. And I'd be willing to bet you can learn even more about yourself than you already have.
Maybe you can talk about how to stay happy. What makes you feel good? What do you want the next few years (or more) of your life look like? How can you accomplish your goals?
You worked hard for this, (((gg))). I'm very happy for you. :)
Laurie
P.S. You could also talk to your T about why you feel you need to keep him interested and why you fear his rejection so much, but I suppose that's a little heavier of a topic.
Posted by annierose on December 15, 2005, at 5:21:43
In reply to Feeling better. Now what? Help?, posted by gardenergirl on December 14, 2005, at 21:47:06
I think it's great you moved into this new phase.
I suffer less from depression, more from anxiety. So on my less-anxious days, I get anxious just thinking about what to talk about. I hate beginning those sessions. Since I do close my eyes, I try to talk about whatever pops into my head even though it might sound trival. Sometimes it leads into a solid discussion, other times, it falls flat.Sometimes I might begin, "I have nothing on my mind to talk about today, is there something you want to talk about?" She's taken me up on my offer a few times, others she'll say (and I hate this) "It would be like picking a needle out of a haystack. I don't know where you are at today to meet you." AARRGHH.
Is it scary to think you might be done with therapy? That could be a session or two or three.
>>>I don't have a template or not a very defined and "safe" one for being well.<<<
Tell him that. There's good stuff in that statement.
Posted by gardenergirl on December 15, 2005, at 6:38:27
In reply to Re: Feeling better. Now what? Help? » gardenergirl, posted by daisym on December 15, 2005, at 0:18:52
> I'm so glad you are doing well! Double edge sword though, isn't it?
Thanks. Yes it is. Who woulda thunk it?
>
> I think you talk about whatever is on your mind. (Don't you love the rule about there are no rules?) But what seems on your mind is: "Who am I now?" If you aren't sick, and you aren't depressed, then who are you?? And who are these people in your life in relation to you? How do you relate to your mother is she isn't caring for your health? How do you stop waiting for a relapse into depression and reclaim your joy? How do you allow yourself a bad day without it turning into 3 or 4 or a month of bad days?Those are some very good questions. And I think they're scary because I have never really thought about them, and I don't really have any answers. I hate that. It's much better to go in knowing the answers, right? ;)
>
> You could talk about how you take care of yourself if you aren't in therapy anymore. You've chosen a tough profession so self-care needs to be high on the list.Yeah, maybe I can talk about how I know what to do, but don't do it.
>
> My therapist tells me that there are always things to talk about, that life is just like that. I admit to a huge amount of envy, but I'm glad you can enjoy the beauty of the Holidays.Thanks. I do wish this feeling for everyone. At least, if you like being a bit goofy. :)
Thanks for your wise input.
gg
>
Posted by gardenergirl on December 15, 2005, at 6:43:06
In reply to Re: Feeling better. Now what? Help? » gardenergirl, posted by All Done on December 15, 2005, at 2:24:58
> I don't know if it gave her a focus or a chance to do what she felt she did best or what. Even to this day, she expresses more emotion with me if someone in my family is sick. I think it's the only way she knows how to relate to people sometimes.
That's a lot like my mom, too. I realized recently that she's been much more supportive, but that's only after I told her about some problems (the anniversary thing and so on). So it's not illness, but it is a problem. That was a bit refreshing.
>And, unfortunately, she taught me it's a good way to get attention. I swear, I spent more time out of school than in.
Oh lordy, so did I! Even when she was working and wasn't home, I often stayed home. I certainly wish she had confronted that behavior early on. It sure taught me the power of avoidance. :(
>
> Sometimes when I've felt less depressed, I've noticed I have pretty productive sessions. It felt like I was able to get out of a rut and discuss things that are important but don't necessarily feel like they relate to "why am I depressed?" I think you'll find things to talk about that are important to you, but maybe not "problems", so to speak. And I'd be willing to bet you can learn even more about yourself than you already have.I hope so. I just feel like I wind up saying the same thing..."things are going well." I'll describe how, but then back to sort of shrugging and feeling lost. I'm sure it will get better.
>
> Maybe you can talk about how to stay happy. What makes you feel good? What do you want the next few years (or more) of your life look like? How can you accomplish your goals?Good ideas, thanks.
>
> You worked hard for this, (((gg))). I'm very happy for you. :)Thanks. :)
>
> Laurie
>
> P.S. You could also talk to your T about why you feel you need to keep him interested and why you fear his rejection so much, but I suppose that's a little heavier of a topic.Yeah, he asked a question late in the session Monday that sort of got this direction going. So there's definitely stuff there to talk about.
Thanks again. Always good to see your name on the boards.
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on December 15, 2005, at 6:49:24
In reply to Re: Feeling better. Now what? Help? » gardenergirl, posted by annierose on December 15, 2005, at 5:21:43
> I think it's great you moved into this new phase.
Thanks. Except it will lead to that other phase, the one that dare not speak it's name. ;) The one that either makes me cry or makes me cover my ears and go "la la la la la".
> I suffer less from depression, more from anxiety. So on my less-anxious days, I get anxious just thinking about what to talk about.
Don't you hate that?
> I hate beginning those sessions. Since I do close my eyes, I try to talk about whatever pops into my head even though it might sound trival. Sometimes it leads into a solid discussion, other times, it falls flat.
That takes a lot of trust and courage to just say whatever. I admit I can be a "blurter", but it's usually some way off on a tangent that only I can see kind of thing. And I do it much less in therapy than at home. Racer calls it conversational whiplash. :) My hubby tries hard to figure out where it comes from, poor man. What an impossible task.
>
> Sometimes I might begin, "I have nothing on my mind to talk about today, is there something you want to talk about?"Oh, I just know he would not bite on that one. He's ask why I am pulling him into my stuff or why I need him to direct. Or would just look at me and raise his eyebrows without saying anything.
>
> Is it scary to think you might be done with therapy? That could be a session or two or three."la la la la la la la" :-D
Actually, I've sort of felt recently that it's actually "better" to just live life and to be less introspective. I think that's a sign that I am moving away from therapy. But it's darned scary, and yes it will need many sessions. Yesterday I could not decide if I was missing him or missing therapy. I think it might have been him, but that's a scary way to think. Better to think it's about the process than about caring, right? grrrr
>
> >>>I don't have a template or not a very defined and "safe" one for being well.<<<
>
> Tell him that. There's good stuff in that statement.I can't take credit for that statement. That's his. But it definitely got me to thinking. He's pretty wise, isn't he? :)
Thanks for your help. Hope your sessions continue to be productive and that you have more anxiety-free days than the opposite.
gg
>
>
Posted by fairywings on December 15, 2005, at 12:31:20
In reply to Feeling better. Now what? Help?, posted by gardenergirl on December 14, 2005, at 21:47:06
> I think. I'm actually (gasp!) depression-free for the first time in literally years.
Wow, that's huge! I'm so happy for you GG!
> So, in my session this week, my T commented that I don't have a "template" for being cared for as a non-sick person.
That seems like a great thing to work on in therapy - learning how to be healthy and vibrant, and not worry that you won't get what you need if you're not sick. I guess if you've been in that role for so long there are lots of situations you might not know how to deal with. As far as not having things to deal with in therapy, maybe you could use a sounding board for the everyday stuff you encounter, stuff that knocks you off center.
Ppl will love you bec. you're wonderful, caring, and your interesting, sick or well, but maybe that's something he can help you sort out.
>>I've been depressed a good part of my marriage, too, although when we were dating and in the first few years, I was the "vivacious" GG he met and fell in love with. She's been missing in action for awhile. :(
I bet he's happy to have you back! ; )
> So, what do you talk about in therapy when you're doing well? I think that I'm worried he'll lose interest in me if I'm well, and I'll notice and feel rejected. And frankly, what do you talk about? It seems silly to say, "things are good." I don't know what else to say after that.
Maybe tell him how you feel? I know that seems so trite, but it seems to me there are many ppl on this board who are really good at telling their T's really scary stuff, and this seems like a scary feeling to have. You're good at telling your T stuff, and it's good that you're going through this, and feeling these things bec. you will already know your clients will probably get to this point with you.
> He's right. I don't have a template or not a very defined and "safe" one for being well.Maybe he can help you form that template.
(((hugs)))
fw
Posted by Damos on December 15, 2005, at 16:06:52
In reply to Feeling better. Now what? Help?, posted by gardenergirl on December 14, 2005, at 21:47:06
Hey GG. It's so nice to hear you're doing better and the non-depressed you is reappearing.
Gosh, really can't add to much to all great stuff people have said already, but my first though was "Don't overthink it." I know in the past/present I've managed to think myself out okayness simply because it's so unfamiliar and therefore obviously needed to be thunk to death. Just try to let yourself be and observe the good things that start to happen and smile.
I'm sure you'll find that the stuff that need to be said and spoken about with your T will find a way to be.
I'm really happy for you GG.
(((((Damos)))))
Posted by fallsfall on December 15, 2005, at 19:30:09
In reply to Feeling better. Now what? Help?, posted by gardenergirl on December 14, 2005, at 21:47:06
>So, what do you talk about in therapy when you're doing well? I think that I'm worried he'll lose interest in me if I'm well, and I'll notice and feel rejected. And frankly, what do you talk about? It seems silly to say, "things are good." I don't know what else to say after that.
Good question. This is where I am, too. My therapist said something about how it was OK to talk about things that weren't problems. I share your "lost in the dark" feeling. But I guess that I am trusting my therapist enough to just go in and talk about what I'm thinking about. And it has brought us to interesting places. And sometimes I think I'm just boring him. But he is right that I need to learn to live when there aren't 16 crises lined up. I don't know how to do that.
And we talk again and again and again about how I don't have to lose him if I get better. I still don't believe it.
So I don't know the answer to your question, but you aren't alone!
Posted by fallsfall on December 16, 2005, at 16:10:07
In reply to Feeling better. Now what? Help?, posted by gardenergirl on December 14, 2005, at 21:47:06
Don't worry. You'll find plenty of things to talk about.
Like how DO healthy people have relationships. What DO they talk about? How do they organize their lives? What do they do with their time since they aren't staring at the wall crying? Why is it that every person you get to be friends with ends up being in long term therapy? What happens in therapy when you get better? What do you talk about in therapy? Does getting better mean that you will lose therapy? Who decides that you are better? Who decides when you are better enough? Is it more comfortable to just stay sick? Is it worth it to get better? How can you cope with the ambivalence? Which is more boring for them - having you sit there and cry, or sit there and talk about filing away your stacks of papers? Are you creating crises in your life so you will have something to talk about in therapy?
Or maybe I'm just projecting a little here...
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