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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Tamar on December 11, 2005, at 18:40:22
So I finally went to marriage therapy with my husband. We had one meeting with the therapist and we got a call from her a few days later saying she was referring us to a different therapist. (Of course, I assumed immediately that she didn’t like me.)
Well, as it turned out, it was a sex therapist she referred us to. Apparently she’d come to the conclusion that our problems centred around the bedroom and didn’t really concern the rest of our relationship. I’m not sure if that’s true… Anyway, we've met once with the sex therapist. And I think there will be homework...
But I think it will be a good thing. I’m pretty sure that working on the sexual stuff will involve transferable skills!
I really like this sex therapist. She seems very down-to-earth and sensible. But she doesn’t let me get away with being vague! When I was in therapy with T1, I used all kinds of euphemisms to avoid being very specific during discussions about sex. He usually knew what I meant. Whereas now I have to say the words. Out loud. So far we haven’t talked much about body parts, but I’m dreading it. If I struggle to say “penetration”, how am I going to say the words that *really* get me hiding behind my hands?
Argh…
Posted by muffled on December 11, 2005, at 18:51:42
In reply to New kind of therapy, posted by Tamar on December 11, 2005, at 18:40:22
> So I finally went to marriage therapy with my husband. We had one meeting with the therapist and we got a call from her a few days later saying she was referring us to a different therapist. (Of course, I assumed immediately that she didn’t like me.)
>
> Well, as it turned out, it was a sex therapist she referred us to. Apparently she’d come to the conclusion that our problems centred around the bedroom and didn’t really concern the rest of our relationship. I’m not sure if that’s true… Anyway, we've met once with the sex therapist. And I think there will be homework...
>
> But I think it will be a good thing. I’m pretty sure that working on the sexual stuff will involve transferable skills!
>
> I really like this sex therapist. She seems very down-to-earth and sensible. But she doesn’t let me get away with being vague! When I was in therapy with T1, I used all kinds of euphemisms to avoid being very specific during discussions about sex. He usually knew what I meant. Whereas now I have to say the words. Out loud. So far we haven’t talked much about body parts, but I’m dreading it. If I struggle to say “penetration”, how am I going to say the words that *really* get me hiding behind my hands?
>
> Argh…
>
OMG Tamar!!!!
I can't even look at that p-word!!!
What does it mean anyways?
Penetration?
What does it refer to?
Does it mean a certain body part?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Anyways
just
*
*
KIDDING!!!!!!!!
Aggggggggggggggh!
Well, the lady, thank the Lord its a lady! sounds nice.
Maybe you'll have wickedly good sex and multiple org....y'know!
Aack!
You SO have to tell us ALL about it.
Ha!
You one brave girl. Sex is intimacy, so maybe it will be a good thing.
:-)
Muffled
p.s. That being referred must have really sucked. I'da read all kinds of stuff into it too :(
Posted by Tamar on December 11, 2005, at 18:59:08
In reply to Re: New kind of therapy » Tamar, posted by muffled on December 11, 2005, at 18:51:42
> OMG Tamar!!!!
> I can't even look at that p-word!!!
> What does it mean anyways?
> Penetration?
> What does it refer to?
> Does it mean a certain body part?You had me going there… just for a second! I thought, “I wonder how else to describe it without getting my *ss asterisked off!”
> Maybe you'll have wickedly good sex and multiple org....y'know!
Oh yes please!
> You SO have to tell us ALL about it.
Perhaps I will, if I can bring myself to write any of the words for it…
> You one brave girl. Sex is intimacy, so maybe it will be a good thing.
Yeah, it’s the intimacy I have trouble with…
Posted by muffled on December 11, 2005, at 19:03:38
In reply to Re: New kind of therapy » muffled, posted by Tamar on December 11, 2005, at 18:59:08
Posted by Dinah on December 11, 2005, at 19:35:01
In reply to New kind of therapy, posted by Tamar on December 11, 2005, at 18:40:22
It sounds as if your sex therapy and my sex therapy run along verrrry different lines. :)
It sounds like a very promising development. What does your husband think?
Posted by daisym on December 11, 2005, at 23:54:05
In reply to New kind of therapy, posted by Tamar on December 11, 2005, at 18:40:22
Like most thing in therapy I think you give yourself permission to say it all and to blush or fumble or whatever. I find that in certain moods I can talk pretty bluntly about sex with my therapist. And as long as he stays matter of fact I don't get wigged out.
I tell myself to just push through it. I'm sure she has heard it all - and probably more than we could ever guess. I think you are very brave to do this with your husband. How is he doing with it?
Maybe your first homework should be a labeling exercise -- take things slow and decide how you are going to describe each move, or touch, or feeling. I can imagine some hilarious moments, as well as some tender ones.
Posted by fairywings on December 12, 2005, at 10:29:04
In reply to New kind of therapy, posted by Tamar on December 11, 2005, at 18:40:22
Cool! I"m glad the sex therapist is really down to earth and easy to talk to, even though the words can be hard to say. Maybe visualize yourself saying the things that are so hard before each session? I started using the correct lingo with our 2 yo, and my 8 yo giggles. Hope you get a lot out of it. The homework sounds like fun.
fw
Posted by orchid on December 12, 2005, at 20:30:24
In reply to New kind of therapy, posted by Tamar on December 11, 2005, at 18:40:22
Maybe part of the job of a sex therapist is to get you out of your shame of it. And start accepting it just like any other body part. I think that is her goal and maybe the explicitness of it comes from that.
It would do you good I think - especially given your aversion to it because of your issues.
But I know it is very hard. I would feel very uncomfortable too !!.
Posted by Tamar on December 13, 2005, at 15:44:21
In reply to Re: New kind of therapy » Tamar, posted by Dinah on December 11, 2005, at 19:35:01
> It sounds as if your sex therapy and my sex therapy run along verrrry different lines. :)
Well, I suppose it would be pointless to use the same approach with everyone!
> It sounds like a very promising development. What does your husband think?
He seems to be cautiously optimistic...
Posted by Tamar on December 13, 2005, at 17:14:56
In reply to Re: New kind of therapy » Tamar, posted by daisym on December 11, 2005, at 23:54:05
> Like most thing in therapy I think you give yourself permission to say it all and to blush or fumble or whatever. I find that in certain moods I can talk pretty bluntly about sex with my therapist. And as long as he stays matter of fact I don't get wigged out.
Yeah, matter of fact helps. And yet… I still need *words*. I don’t have a vocabulary for sex. Maybe that’s part of the problem… Actually, I can sometimes give it a vocabulary in writing. But talking… that’s another matter…
> I tell myself to just push through it. I'm sure she has heard it all - and probably more than we could ever guess. I think you are very brave to do this with your husband. How is he doing with it?
It think it’ll be easier to do it together. I think it will help him to understand why things are so difficult for me.
> Maybe your first homework should be a labeling exercise -- take things slow and decide how you are going to describe each move, or touch, or feeling. I can imagine some hilarious moments, as well as some tender ones.
Funny… just the idea of labelling makes me anxious. Maybe that’s because I really need to do it.
Posted by Tamar on December 13, 2005, at 17:18:22
In reply to Re: New kind of therapy » Tamar, posted by fairywings on December 12, 2005, at 10:29:04
> Cool! I"m glad the sex therapist is really down to earth and easy to talk to, even though the words can be hard to say. Maybe visualize yourself saying the things that are so hard before each session?
That makes sense.
> I started using the correct lingo with our 2 yo, and my 8 yo giggles. Hope you get a lot out of it. The homework sounds like fun.
Yeah… I do use the correct words with the kids, but hardly ever in the context of discussion about sex. Actually, I think the central thing is that I’m not discussing *my* sexuality when I’m talking to my kids. Hmmm, so I’m the only person I can’t talk about…
Posted by Tamar on December 13, 2005, at 17:24:43
In reply to Re: New kind of therapy » Tamar, posted by orchid on December 12, 2005, at 20:30:24
> Maybe part of the job of a sex therapist is to get you out of your shame of it. And start accepting it just like any other body part. I think that is her goal and maybe the explicitness of it comes from that.
At one level I agree completely. And at another level I want to pretend it doesn’t exist!
> It would do you good I think - especially given your aversion to it because of your issues.
>
> But I know it is very hard. I would feel very uncomfortable too !!.Yeah. Well, I guess the end result will be worth it!
Posted by Dinah on December 13, 2005, at 18:01:38
In reply to Re: New kind of therapy » daisym, posted by Tamar on December 13, 2005, at 17:14:56
> It think it’ll be easier to do it together. I think it will help him to understand why things are so difficult for me.
>Are you comfortable with him knowing how difficult it is for you? My therapist suggested that we come in together, but I don't want him to know how much of a problem I have, so I'm reluctant. I admire the level of honesty in your relationship.
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