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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by orchid on November 14, 2005, at 7:46:34
Tamar,
There is something I wondered for a long time about you. You were pregnant when you had transference towards your T right? How did it feel?
For some reason I always thought if I have a kid or was expecting, I wouldn't feel anything towards any other guy other than my husband. But now I am realizing that perhaps it may not necessarily be so. But isn't it extremely confusing to have a kid of one man and have this intense transference towards another guy? It must be even more confusing than being just wedded to a guy and having transference towards someone else. How did you manage?
Does anyone else with kids want to answer? I am just very curious as I am pondering over maybe trying to having a baby after a few months.
Posted by Tamar on November 14, 2005, at 10:52:52
In reply to Q for Tamar and others. Having kids + transference, posted by orchid on November 14, 2005, at 7:46:34
Hi Orchid,
> There is something I wondered for a long time about you. You were pregnant when you had transference towards your T right? How did it feel?
Pregnancy can be a pretty confusing time, emotionally! Yeah, it did feel a bit weird wanting my T while I was pregnant and feeling despair because I was sure he wouldn’t be attracted to me in my pregnant state… not that I thought I’d have stood any chance with him if I hadn’t been pregnant.
> For some reason I always thought if I have a kid or was expecting, I wouldn't feel anything towards any other guy other than my husband. But now I am realizing that perhaps it may not necessarily be so. But isn't it extremely confusing to have a kid of one man and have this intense transference towards another guy? It must be even more confusing than being just wedded to a guy and having transference towards someone else. How did you manage?
There can be lot of surprising feelings during pregnancy. At the beginning of my first pregnancy I always assumed that no one would be sexually interested in me except my husband. But I was wrong… a couple of men actually propositioned me! And similarly, I had a lot of attractions to other men; more than usual in fact.
I think the reason is the hormones: the pregnancy hormones seemed to give me a lot of interest in sex (even more than usual!). Some women find the opposite, though: some women become completely uninterested in sex while they’re pregnant.
It’s true: it was a bit weird being married and pregnant and wanting another man. But I knew *why* I wanted my therapist so much: I was hormonal and he represented safety and trust and stuff like that. So I guess I realised that it was pretty normal. And of course, nothing was ever going to happen between us. It might have been weirder if I’d had feelings for a close friend or someone who could have been interested in me.
I had about four sessions with my therapist after the baby was born, and I was very relieved to find that my sexual longing for him had diminished significantly after the birth. I still loved him and wanted him but it didn’t feel extreme any more.
I think things will be easiest for you if you keep an open mind about it. If you can accept the possibility that you might have feelings for another man, and that it’s just part of the weird wonderfulness of pregnancy, it might be better than feeling guilty or uncomfortable about the feelings. But of course you might not have feelings for other men… it’s not inevitable!> Does anyone else with kids want to answer? I am just very curious as I am pondering over maybe trying to having a baby after a few months.
One thing I really should mention is that pregnancy is often a time when past abuse issues become quite difficult. I think it’s worth being aware of this in advance so that you can try to find some means of support in case you need it.
Thinking about having a baby can be very exciting: I hope you come to a decision that feels right for you!
Tamar
Posted by antigua on November 14, 2005, at 20:07:28
In reply to Re: Q for Tamar and others. Having kids + transference » orchid, posted by Tamar on November 14, 2005, at 10:52:52
I suffered through intense transference with my ob-gyn and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. It was very difficult.
antigua
Posted by orchid on November 14, 2005, at 21:45:09
In reply to Re: Q for Tamar and others. Having kids + transference » orchid, posted by Tamar on November 14, 2005, at 10:52:52
> Pregnancy can be a pretty confusing time, emotionally! Yeah, it did feel a bit weird wanting my T while I was pregnant and feeling despair because I was sure he wouldn’t be attracted to me in my pregnant state… not that I thought I’d have stood any chance with him if I hadn’t been pregnant.
---Orchid
Yeah, I agree it will be extremely confusing. And I think it must be even harder to take things like rejection when you are carrying. Of course I have no idea how it would, but just projecting :-)
>
> There can be lot of surprising feelings during pregnancy. At the beginning of my first pregnancy I always assumed that no one would be sexually interested in me except my husband. But I was wrong… a couple of men actually propositioned me! And similarly, I had a lot of attractions to other men; more than usual in fact.----Orchid
It is interesting that men proposed to you when you were carrying. I guess your more than usual attraction to other men is hormonal. I think I am yet to fully understand and come to peace with the fact that I might get attracted to other men at any time in life.
>
> I think the reason is the hormones: the pregnancy hormones seemed to give me a lot of interest in sex (even more than usual!). Some women find the opposite, though: some women become completely uninterested in sex while they’re pregnant.
>
> It’s true: it was a bit weird being married and pregnant and wanting another man. But I knew *why* I wanted my therapist so much: I was hormonal and he represented safety and trust and stuff like that. So I guess I realised that it was pretty normal. And of course, nothing was ever going to happen between us. It might have been weirder if I’d had feelings for a close friend or someone who could have been interested in me.
>
> I had about four sessions with my therapist after the baby was born, and I was very relieved to find that my sexual longing for him had diminished significantly after the birth. I still loved him and wanted him but it didn’t feel extreme any more.
>
> I think things will be easiest for you if you keep an open mind about it. If you can accept the possibility that you might have feelings for another man, and that it’s just part of the weird wonderfulness of pregnancy, it might be better than feeling guilty or uncomfortable about the feelings. But of course you might not have feelings for other men… it’s not inevitable!
---Orchid
Thanks for sharign the information. I haven't even started to try to get pregnant and may not even think of it for another 6 months. I am trying to get rid of my pain medication before thinking of a baby. If that goes well, then we will plan for a kid. Marriage has been relatively ok, and I am also going to be 29 this december. So it is time.You know, I have never had a healthy attraction to other men in my life. It was always a replaying of my abuse in some form or other - getting attracted to married men, getting attracted to jerks etc. I never had a healthy attraction to good available men. My husband was the only person to whom I was attracted to and didn't have any projection towards, because he was younger than me and completely unalike my dad and I always thought of him as an equal rather than dad figure. It might be interesting for me if I get attracted to other guys in a more equal sort of way in the future. That might be more real liking and might be even more threatening rather than knowing that anyway the person you are attracted to is not available to you or you know deep in your heart that he is a jerk and you won't like them really. Actually my second T told me that I very carefully chose persons who were not available to me just for that reason - that I was not prepared for a real relationship anyway.
>
> One thing I really should mention is that pregnancy is often a time when past abuse issues become quite difficult. I think it’s worth being aware of this in advance so that you can try to find some means of support in case you need it.
>
> Thinking about having a baby can be very exciting: I hope you come to a decision that feels right for you!--Orchid
Thanks Tamar. I am not sure if it is really the right time or things would remain stable with my husband. IT had always been quite rocky, and though we had plenty of good time with each other, there are some very basic differences between us. I tend to think of it as a snow covered volcano ready to erupt anytime. Off late, it has been very much peaceful, and both of us have this tendency to give in and adjust, so maybe we will be able to work out smoothly. But I thnik this marriage is meant to be. I like my husband and though there are differences, we have always maanged to be with each other inspite of everything. Postponing kids further doesn't seem to be a good idea either.
>
> Tamar
>
>
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