Posted by Tamar on November 14, 2005, at 10:52:52
In reply to Q for Tamar and others. Having kids + transference, posted by orchid on November 14, 2005, at 7:46:34
Hi Orchid,
> There is something I wondered for a long time about you. You were pregnant when you had transference towards your T right? How did it feel?
Pregnancy can be a pretty confusing time, emotionally! Yeah, it did feel a bit weird wanting my T while I was pregnant and feeling despair because I was sure he wouldn’t be attracted to me in my pregnant state… not that I thought I’d have stood any chance with him if I hadn’t been pregnant.
> For some reason I always thought if I have a kid or was expecting, I wouldn't feel anything towards any other guy other than my husband. But now I am realizing that perhaps it may not necessarily be so. But isn't it extremely confusing to have a kid of one man and have this intense transference towards another guy? It must be even more confusing than being just wedded to a guy and having transference towards someone else. How did you manage?
There can be lot of surprising feelings during pregnancy. At the beginning of my first pregnancy I always assumed that no one would be sexually interested in me except my husband. But I was wrong… a couple of men actually propositioned me! And similarly, I had a lot of attractions to other men; more than usual in fact.
I think the reason is the hormones: the pregnancy hormones seemed to give me a lot of interest in sex (even more than usual!). Some women find the opposite, though: some women become completely uninterested in sex while they’re pregnant.
It’s true: it was a bit weird being married and pregnant and wanting another man. But I knew *why* I wanted my therapist so much: I was hormonal and he represented safety and trust and stuff like that. So I guess I realised that it was pretty normal. And of course, nothing was ever going to happen between us. It might have been weirder if I’d had feelings for a close friend or someone who could have been interested in me.
I had about four sessions with my therapist after the baby was born, and I was very relieved to find that my sexual longing for him had diminished significantly after the birth. I still loved him and wanted him but it didn’t feel extreme any more.
I think things will be easiest for you if you keep an open mind about it. If you can accept the possibility that you might have feelings for another man, and that it’s just part of the weird wonderfulness of pregnancy, it might be better than feeling guilty or uncomfortable about the feelings. But of course you might not have feelings for other men… it’s not inevitable!> Does anyone else with kids want to answer? I am just very curious as I am pondering over maybe trying to having a baby after a few months.
One thing I really should mention is that pregnancy is often a time when past abuse issues become quite difficult. I think it’s worth being aware of this in advance so that you can try to find some means of support in case you need it.
Thinking about having a baby can be very exciting: I hope you come to a decision that feels right for you!
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:578536
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051107/msgs/578565.html