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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on November 8, 2005, at 9:43:11
Clearly I disclosed too much too soon with T2. And truth be told, I have no intention of letting that happen again. I have no intention of letting myself be authentic, because authentic clearly isn't acceptable. And there are definitely disclosures that I never ever intend to make again.
But if I'm concentrating on sex therapy with T3, there are a host of issues that it would probably be better for her to know about. I know I've talked about most of them here over the years. But I'm not sure if I should hit her with all of them before she really starts with me, or if I should space them out, or bring them up as they come up.
Some of them may push me into "weird" rather than just eccentric. And I don't want negative judgement again, no matter how politely and therapeutically expressed.
I know they aren't supposed to be judgemental, but that sort of thing is readily enough visible no matter how they try to disguise it.
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on November 8, 2005, at 10:22:38
In reply to How much, how soon?, posted by Dinah on November 8, 2005, at 9:43:11
Hmmm. That is a tough one. I'm just going to type out all of the possibilities running through my brain in case something helps, k?
1. You could say something to her like, "I know how helpful it is to be open in therapy, but at the same time, there are many difficult things that have happened in my life and I don't feel comfortable sharing them all right away. I will do my best to share what might be helpful when seems like it would be helpful, but I wanted you to know that it might take me some time to put it all out there."
2. Make sure to weigh how much of your hesitancy to share might be you harshly judging yourself. Do you think you will be judged b/c you judge your own actions (and perhaps another person, esp a T, might not). I know I fall into this a lot. I'm terrified to say something to my T, but then she reacts positively and it is not nearly as shameful as I expected it to be.
3. With some things perhaps you could say, "I think that telling you about [general topic] could be really helpful, but I'm not really comfortable sharing the details right now. I wanted you to know that [topic] has happened, but the details will need to come out when I am ready."
4. Remember that you are the one in charge of your life. No one has a right to have info that you don't want them to have, even a T. Not all T's agree with that, but many do. Actually, there is some published research how clients w/ secrets actually do just fine in therapy.
Hope that there is a shred of something useful in there. ;) Please let us know how things go w/ T3 (that keeps making me think of the thyroid).
Best,
EE
Posted by Jen Star on November 8, 2005, at 10:37:15
In reply to How much, how soon?, posted by Dinah on November 8, 2005, at 9:43:11
hi Dinah,
I think EE's post is great! :) It seems like a good idea to start out by telling her you're reluctant to share. You could even say that you're worried she'll think you're "weird". Sometimes just SAYING that "de-weirds" the stuff you're going to disclose to some degree.I find that when a person makes themself deliberately vulnerable in some way in a conversation, leaving themself open without being manipulative, the other person instinctively becomes more maternal and caring and ready to excuse flaws. Usually.
Remember too that you're a GREAT AWESOME person. maybe you have some "weird stuff" going on, but we ALL have some "weird stuff" going on! You're still a neat, wonderful fun person.
Not all T's are really all that insightful or intuitive or even that loving. THey're just a sliver of the general population, right? So it goes to reason that some of them may be slow, dull, unkind, and just not nice. It takes time to find another one who is caring and kind and open, I think. :) If T3 isn't the one, you'll know in a while. Until then, disclose at your own comfort rate.
you're right - you CAN often tell what someone is thinking from body language, etc. But also keep in mind that even if a person has a strong INITIAL reaction, they might diffuse it and change it over time. Give T3 a chance. Even if some of your disclosures startle her, hopefully she'll be able to think it over and figure out a way to help you. And still like you. :)
JenStar
Posted by B2chica on November 8, 2005, at 12:11:23
In reply to How much, how soon?, posted by Dinah on November 8, 2005, at 9:43:11
i have a lot of cr@p in my basket and my friend new i did (but she didn't know specifics). she told me it's best to just throw it all up and let the T help you sort through it all.
NOW, i have absolutely very little to no trust. once i found a T that i liked on a personal level, i tested him with little bits of info that thought divulging, i put up my barracade so that no matter what his reaction it wouldn't hurt me and then i could find out his reactions to things and guess how he might react to worse things.well, in two months of seeing him 2 to 3 times a week i threw it all up. i was scared but i just didn't care anymore, i HAD to get it all out.
so i guess what this means for you is:
1)why do you feel you disclosed too much to T2, was it your feelings that were disturbing or hers?
if they're yours you should discuss, not the items themselves but your feelings about disclosing them and at the rate you did.
if their hers, i think that if she had a bad or disturbing reaction to them then she can't be that great and you should consider looking around.2)you must if nothing else, be authentic. that's the only way a really good T can help you. do it for yourself. take it slow, leave out some detail, talk around subjects, but please be authentic.
3)as for not disclosing certain things again. well, sometimes they don't need all the detail. my T always says i can tell as much or as little about an incident that i feel comfortable with, and to go at a rate that's comfortable for me. i agree greatly and feel you have the same rights.
4) and NO they are NOT supposed to be judgemental, however, sometimes there's a bad egg in there and they are. they are human, and not all were A+ students.
best wishes
b2c.
Posted by Dinah on November 8, 2005, at 12:30:35
In reply to Re: How much, how soon?, posted by B2chica on November 8, 2005, at 12:11:23
I asked her what she thought. She said either way would work. That whether I gave her a laundry list at the first, or told her things as they came up, she could work with it.
So I decided to start with what parts of the list I could easily remember, and one tended to lead to the other. There weren't enough minutes in the session to mention all of my areas of sexual dysfunction (grin), so we concentrated on my experiences growing up and the distorted thinking that grew from them. I'm beginning to think that tying things together is her trademark, because by the end of the session it all felt quite coherent and connected. Not a random list at all. All about how the idea of growing up was connected with all sorts of icky stuff in my mind, and staying a child was appealing. And when she put it all together, it did seem connected.
At any rate, I still like her, and she didn't feel disapproving at all. In fact, she was quite impressed with all the work I've done so far, and how well I understand the issues involved. After only ten years of therapy. ;)
She also apparently remembered some of what I told her in our first conversations when I decided *not* to see her at that time for sex therapy, so she talked around a bit at what I was determined not to discuss. The only thing is that she thinks working on the sexual problems is connected to helping the little girl part of me grow up. And the little girl's gut response is "Nuh-uh, not going to happen my friend!" But without dislike or undue anger, which is pretty astonishing really. So T3 must have a good feel to her.
She was pretty much as I expected her to be. Well groomed but not in a trendy way - more classic, a bit older than I am. And she seems to take things with good humor and no shock or disapproval. A good sense of humor is a necessity in working with me. So in being unflappable. So I actually think I can work with her.
Thanks, Emily Elizabeth, B2, and Jenstar. I had a bad case of pre-therapy jitters today, momentarily afraid it would be a repeat of T2. Which would have put me off therapy that wasn't with T1 completely.
Posted by Annierose on November 8, 2005, at 12:50:03
In reply to I followed my usual advice to others, posted by Dinah on November 8, 2005, at 12:30:35
Sounds like it went really well. Opening yourself up to new T's and new experiences is wonderful progress. I think a T whose focus is on sexual issues would be helpful for me. Sounds crazy, but I just don't want to share all this technical stuff with my regular T ... hmmmm ... I'll need to think about why.
Glad you followed your own advice on occasion. Heck, I follow your advice lots of times and it's pretty helpful.
When do you see T1 again?
Posted by daisym on November 8, 2005, at 17:39:22
In reply to I followed my usual advice to others, posted by Dinah on November 8, 2005, at 12:30:35
Sounds like a good session. I'm impressed with how open you were and I'm very glad you still like her. I agree about a sense of humor. Life requires one, so therapy must too.
When do you go back?
Posted by fairywings on November 8, 2005, at 21:41:43
In reply to I followed my usual advice to others, posted by Dinah on November 8, 2005, at 12:30:35
She really does sound very accepting and like someone who could be really helpful with insight and understanding. It's good that she remembers things and then suggests things that might push you just a bit, but not over the edge. Sounds like she has some good plans, and is looking forward.
fw
Posted by Dinah on November 9, 2005, at 8:30:34
In reply to Re: I followed my usual advice to others, posted by Annierose on November 8, 2005, at 12:50:03
I was thinking as I discussed it how hard it was to talk about it with a stranger. Then I remembered talking about it with my therapist and realized that it was harder to discuss with someone you know. :)
I see him again Sunday, and her again Tuesday.
I have to make some sort of decision about that. I don't really like double sessions, perhaps 1 1/2 sessions would be ok. If I want to re-establish the attachment, twice a week would be better, but I'm not sure I do want that. Twice a week therapy isn't like once a week therapy, even if the once a week is a double session. I'm also not sure I want to drive that far.
I hate Katrina. (That's become my mantra.)
Posted by Dinah on November 9, 2005, at 8:32:09
In reply to Re: I followed my usual advice to others » Dinah, posted by daisym on November 8, 2005, at 17:39:22
I see her next Tuesday.
I do like her, but she could never be a therapist/mom. She's doesn't seem like a caring nurturer so much as a problem solver. I guess maybe that's good. Maybe that's what therapy is supposed to be.
Posted by Dinah on November 9, 2005, at 8:33:45
In reply to Re: I followed my usual advice to others » Dinah, posted by fairywings on November 8, 2005, at 21:41:43
I think it's often a good idea to get a fresh perspective every now and again. So far she really hasn't said anything I don't know, but it's impressive that she's picked it up quickly.
Of course, the challenge is transferring the insight into action. :)
Posted by daisym on November 9, 2005, at 10:05:41
In reply to Re: I followed my usual advice to others » daisym, posted by Dinah on November 9, 2005, at 8:32:09
Lord I hope not! If therapy is problem solving, I'm in trouble. I HATE when we end up in that mode. Problem solving I'm good at...dealing with emotions I'm not so good at. We've worked hard to get me out of my head so much and accept and trust more of my feelings and my experiences.
There is nothing wrong with wanting nurturnig and soothing and a safe place.
Posted by Tamar on November 9, 2005, at 18:01:56
In reply to I followed my usual advice to others, posted by Dinah on November 8, 2005, at 12:30:35
> And when she put it all together, it did seem connected.
That sounds very good. I do think it’s useful to be able to find connections.
> At any rate, I still like her, and she didn't feel disapproving at all. In fact, she was quite impressed with all the work I've done so far, and how well I understand the issues involved. After only ten years of therapy. ;)
I’m so glad she didn’t seem disapproving. That’s the last thing anyone needs in sex therapy!
> The only thing is that she thinks working on the sexual problems is connected to helping the little girl part of me grow up. And the little girl's gut response is "Nuh-uh, not going to happen my friend!"
That’s understandable. After all, there are all kinds of implications…
> She was pretty much as I expected her to be. Well groomed but not in a trendy way - more classic, a bit older than I am. And she seems to take things with good humor and no shock or disapproval. A good sense of humor is a necessity in working with me. So in being unflappable. So I actually think I can work with her.
I’m so glad. I really hope she will be helpful. It sounds very promising!
This is the end of the thread.
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