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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan47 on November 1, 2005, at 18:42:29
which was my usual, my daily, intake of mj. I'm really seriously in a lot of trouble, I think. But I'm not sure. I mean if I take seriously what I read recently in "Change Your Brain, Change Your Life", then I'm giving myself irreversible brain damage. But I'm unbelievably understimulated when I'm not... you know.
Life gets unbearable. It's been that way for many long years, many, like, lots .. most of a life, this lifetime anyway.
No I don't believe in multiple anything.
But I can't help myself.
I don't feel good unless I feel special and I don't feel special unless I'm under the influence.
I hate myself.
Posted by Susan47 on November 1, 2005, at 18:45:11
In reply to I was Unbelievably depressed, until I did this, posted by Susan47 on November 1, 2005, at 18:42:29
little bit of time I have left, a few days, and I'll be cut off cold turkey I mean Cold Turkey from my little bit of joy and flung out to drip-dry on the tangled web of an unwanted but terribly terribly needed, journey, to a country I Know Not ... by myself my God I can't feel comfortable walking across the street by myself how the hell am I going to be able to do this?
Posted by Susan47 on November 1, 2005, at 18:51:18
In reply to I was Unbelievably depressed, until I did this, posted by Susan47 on November 1, 2005, at 18:42:29
And which I can't, I mean, I absolutely don't have my Visa in hand, and they're on HOLIDAY today, it's a festival and the Consulate's Closed For Business, Janitors are Answering the Telephone Today ... Yes, who barely speak a word of English. Which is okay. Except this was a country with a language in common, at one time we actually prided ourselves on having English as a common language. We worked to attain a commonality that would allow us to live and breathe and be whole, a community in humanity.. together.
Now it's the opposite. We've forgotten how to merge, how to meld .. we've become so intent on being singular that we're blind to our selfish ways ...
and they do it so well, I mean Listen Man, can you imagine being one of a horde, an absolute horde, at all times so that as you walk the street you walk as one, you breathe in and out, as one, break wind and move silently to and fro, as one ... you could virtually disappear. If I were born into an Indian caste, I would likely be the milkmaid. One of the lowest. But I'm wondering whether that would be a blessing in some ways .. not the cruelty of the caste, but God knows I've suffered that in this country most of a lifetime of childhood ...
I hate myself.
Posted by fairywings on November 1, 2005, at 22:32:56
In reply to Oh, yes, plus, how can I go to India in just this, posted by Susan47 on November 1, 2005, at 18:45:11
> little bit of time I have left, a few days, and I'll be cut off cold turkey I mean Cold Turkey from my little bit of joy and flung out to drip-dry on the tangled web of an unwanted but terribly terribly needed, journey, to a country I Know Not ... by myself my God I can't feel comfortable walking across the street by myself how the hell am I going to be able to do this?
Hi Susan,
do you think it's a good idea to leave the country when you're addicted to something, and won't have access to it there, esp. going all alone where you don't know anyone? I worry that you'll have problems coming off of it and get stuck needing medical care while you're over there, or worse, will seek a source and end up with bigger problems....if you know where I'm going with that. I hope you feel better soon.
fw
>
Posted by Susan47 on November 2, 2005, at 2:31:43
In reply to Re: Oh, yes, plus, how can I go to India in just this » Susan47, posted by fairywings on November 1, 2005, at 22:32:56
I know. Well my first hurdle is to get my visa in order... I messed up and didn't send my passport with the application now there's three working days left until I leave and I'm panic-stricken over what to do. I don't normally make these types of mistakes but I am totally disorganized over this and I didn't read the info. carefully enough and now I will have to try and call and make arrangements to courier my passport over to the fr*gging consulate during my work day, which is horrible, what a huge hassle and a lot of money (this trip is going to just be energy, time and money and I really don't want to see my ex-husband, what a drag, I just don't really like him very much and I have to be in residence with him for weeks; how am I going to do that without hating him all over again???). And PLUS I was thrown a curve-ball on Monday when I got to work, one of the girls in one of the clinics needs me to replace her, I had no orientation in her clinic at all, I was thrown into the job and just had to do it, no opportunity for taking my time, for learning the job, you just Do and learn by being there.
And the patients line up and you need to be professional and pleasant and look like you know what you're doing, you cannot fall apart even though every instinct is telling me HELP, you know, I have to ignore the instincts and the base desire to sit down and cry, and smile and be pleasant and comforting and helpful, kind to people who are often rude and impatient and acting like spoiled children.
Oooooooohhhhhh I will be so happy when this week is over, I cannot imagine sitting in the plane and being able to just BE.
But my habit isn't the type where I will suffer much withdrawal, so thank GOD for that and perhaps it's a good chance to dry out. You know? I'm not crazy enough to think I can get away with anything, so no, I won't be jeopardizing anything and I hope I can just be "normal" whatever that is, once again.
Posted by muffled on November 2, 2005, at 11:25:04
In reply to Ranting some more and thanks for your kind reply » fairywings, posted by Susan47 on November 2, 2005, at 2:31:43
It sounds very challenging. Maybe when you are feeling even a wee bit better for a bit, you could write down as many positive things you can think of about yourself and situation. Every little thing thats even a little bit good. Then you can keep it in your pocket and read it when things are getting especially hard. Maybe a special calming picture if your a visual person.
Take care, you'll proly surprize yourself with your own inner resources. Its often that way.
Muffled.
Posted by fairywings on November 2, 2005, at 18:28:34
In reply to Ranting some more and thanks for your kind reply » fairywings, posted by Susan47 on November 2, 2005, at 2:31:43
I'm sorry about the job situation, sounds really sucky. I hate situations like that. What is it that you do? Sex therapist! LOL That's what you should do! ; ) You, Tamar, and I can put out a shingle.
Well, I hope your ex behaves himself, and is a really good host, or just isn't around while you're there. I hope you have a great time, and the visa gets to you w/o a hassle, and the delivery guy cuts you a break on the expense because you're so doggone beautiful and alluring. ; ) AND, I'm really relieved there won't be a problem with the mj. You had me worried there for awhile.
Be careful and have fun!
fw
Posted by Susan47 on November 2, 2005, at 19:17:10
In reply to Re: Ranting some more and thanks for your kind reply » Susan47, posted by muffled on November 2, 2005, at 11:25:04
I'm actually doing very well, considering. Everybody at work thinks I'm doing a great job (and I have to admit I think I am too) and today I got some important things handled, I think I'll be okay and thanks for the reminder to keep thinking positive thoughts ...
Posted by Susan47 on November 2, 2005, at 19:27:20
In reply to Re: Ranting some more and thanks for your kind reply » Susan47, posted by fairywings on November 2, 2005, at 18:28:34
I'm working as a hospital unit clerk. Would never have made it as a sex therapist though.
I hope to be mj-clean when I return. And sane. I want to be sane. And not depressed.
Posted by Damos on November 2, 2005, at 21:40:01
In reply to I was Unbelievably depressed, until I did this, posted by Susan47 on November 1, 2005, at 18:42:29
Hey Suze,
Just you be kind to yourself okay. When you're there with the kids having a great time you'll wonder what all the fuss was about.
What you need to remember is that you are special - in so many ways - way too many to mention. And that specialness comes from inside you. Not from the MJ, not from anyone else. From deep inside you. We all see that specialness in every single post and the sense of you we can within us.
I know you'll get done what need to be done (despite your own doubts) both in your holiday arrangements and your work. Then you get on that plane and have the best time you possibly can in India and don't let anyone elses d*ckheadedness bring you undone. Okay.
(((Susan)))
Posted by Susan47 on November 3, 2005, at 18:50:00
In reply to Re: I was Unbelievably depressed, until I did this » Susan47, posted by Damos on November 2, 2005, at 21:40:01
Omigod don't talk about me like that okay Damos? I really don't want to hear about how special la-di-da-d-i-da Whatever I Am, anymore. I'm nobody any different from you or anyone else on this planet. I could be the worst rogue and I can be the gentlest maiden. Whatever.
But thanks, thank you for being so soft-hearted, which is Not a bad thing, but don't overdo it okay? I'm no more special than the girl sitting next to you on the bus, or the one who sells you gum at the drugstore and is having a miserable day and takes it out on you ... or makes your day all better by smiling so kindly and lovingly at you, you feel like you're the only one who exists ...
Yeah. We're all like that, thanks for the beautiful words of comfort, Damos. Taking you guys with me, and the people I work with who I've grown to love so much, even the grumpiest old doctor can make me smile. I think I'm sick, or something.
Posted by Susan47 on November 3, 2005, at 18:53:22
In reply to Re: I was Unbelievably depressed, until I did this » Damos, posted by Susan47 on November 3, 2005, at 18:50:00
Lovesick. Love. Sick. Love sick. Love ... sick.
Sick love.
?
Love Well.
Love.
Well.
Love well.
Posted by Susan47 on November 3, 2005, at 19:12:15
In reply to Actually, I am Sick » Susan47, posted by Susan47 on November 3, 2005, at 18:53:22
I posted to myself, Myself, MYSELF, as though I actually WERE somebody. Hah. I feel strange, kind of like the top of my head will explode off. That actually happens to some people. They actually have the tops of their heads blown off, you know. My fingers are blue. They're cold.
I'm the only one talking.
I'm the only one in the room.
Posted by fairywings on November 4, 2005, at 18:17:02
In reply to Thanks, sweet fairy » fairywings, posted by Susan47 on November 2, 2005, at 19:27:20
Posted by fairywings on November 8, 2005, at 10:35:15
In reply to And that just proves it, up there, that, posted by Susan47 on November 3, 2005, at 19:12:15
> I posted to myself, Myself, MYSELF, as though I actually WERE somebody. Hah. I feel strange, kind of like the top of my head will explode off. That actually happens to some people. They actually have the tops of their heads blown off, you know. My fingers are blue. They're cold.
> I'm the only one talking.
> I'm the only one in the room.
>You ARE somebody! ; ) And, it sounds like some pretty extreme anxiety going on there. What's up?
fw
Posted by muffled on November 8, 2005, at 11:07:35
In reply to And that just proves it, up there, that, posted by Susan47 on November 3, 2005, at 19:12:15
Posted by Susan47 on November 9, 2005, at 22:31:47
In reply to Re: Oh, yes, plus, how can I go to India in just this » Susan47, posted by fairywings on November 1, 2005, at 22:32:56
She's in India learning a bit more about life, hmh. No problem coming off mj, none at all in fact. It's nice to be gaining a clearer head, although it's much less creative than it was. Ah, well. Paranoia is not a good thing to court in this country, so better to be less creative and thoughtful, a bit dead really ... and safe.
This is the end of the thread.
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