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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 11 to 35 of 35. Go back in thread:
Posted by happyflower on October 26, 2005, at 17:36:50
In reply to Thinking of canceling my next session, posted by happyflower on October 25, 2005, at 21:19:31
Phil Collins song fits perfectly how I feel about leaving therapy, leaving my T. Sorry it is so sad, I am just feeling a little emotional today.
Against All Odds- Phil Collins
How can I just let you walk away
just let you leave without a trace?
When I stand here taking every breath with youOoh
you're the only one who really knew me at all.
How can you just walk away from me when all I can do is watch you leave'
'cos we shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears.
You're the only one who really knew me at all.
So take a look at me now
well
there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face.
Oh
take a look at me now
there's just an empty spaceAnd you coming back to me is against the odds
And that's what I've got to face.
I wish I could just make you turn around
turn around and see me cry.
There's so much I need to say to you
so many reasons why.
You're the only one who really knew me at all.
So take a look at me now
well
there's just an empty spaceAnd there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face.
Now take a look at me now
'cos there'c just an empty spaceBut to wait for you is all I can do and that's what I've got to face.
Take a look at me now
'cos I'll still be standing hereAnd you coming back to me is against all odds
It's the chance I've got to take. - Take a look at me now.
Posted by fallsfall on October 26, 2005, at 20:21:54
In reply to Thinking of canceling my next session, posted by happyflower on October 25, 2005, at 21:19:31
>You know I don't know what to talk about in my next session.
Happyflower, this thread is full of what you need to talk about in your next session. I hope you can do that. I really think that it will help you.
(((Happyflower)))
Posted by orchid on October 26, 2005, at 20:34:52
In reply to Against All Odds- this is how I feel about my T, posted by happyflower on October 26, 2005, at 17:36:50
I think it is time for you to let your T know about your feelings for him.
And to let him guide you through it and help you come out of it. I hope he can do it effectively without hurting you. There is no use in keeping your feelings to yourself, and worrying by yourself.
Plus, in case he turns out to be very capable of helping you grow, it will be a major plus for you.
Posted by happyflower on October 28, 2005, at 10:52:32
In reply to Re: Against All Odds- this is how I feel about my T » happyflower, posted by orchid on October 26, 2005, at 20:34:52
I found it hard to even look at him. We eventually came face to face and he said hi and I said hi back , but I left the room as fast as I could. It hurt to see him and he has no idea how I feel. :( and I just don't feel comfortable telling him either.
Posted by Dinah on October 28, 2005, at 11:25:08
In reply to Saw my T at the gym today, posted by happyflower on October 28, 2005, at 10:52:32
Such a sudden shift in your feelings toward him is probably worth a good conversation with your therapist.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. :(
Posted by daisym on October 28, 2005, at 13:03:03
In reply to Saw my T at the gym today, posted by happyflower on October 28, 2005, at 10:52:32
I think it must be really hard to see him and not be able to talk to him the way you really want to. It would make me miss him even more -- "so close yet so far."
I agree with Dinah. I think you will feel better if you can force yourself to admit the conflicting and confusing feelings. You probably won't get what you want but you will be heard and you can really sort through what is underneith all of this.
It is hard. Really hard. But worth it.
Hang in there. You see him next week, right?
Posted by happyflower on October 28, 2005, at 14:09:38
In reply to Re: Saw my T at the gym today » happyflower, posted by daisym on October 28, 2005, at 13:03:03
> I think it must be really hard to see him and not be able to talk to him the way you really want to. It would make me miss him even more -- "so close yet so far."
Yes, this is how I felt. I probably had a stunned look on my face when I saw him, because I was trying to avoid seeing him, but then I walked off the track and he was at the drinking fountain looking right at me. I wasn't smiling like I usually am. I am usually happy to see him, I wonder if I hurt is ego. LOL I at least muttered out a Hi back at him, but I couldn't look at him when I said it. I always have about 95% eye contact with him during our sessions.
I don't know if I can gain enough nerve to talk about this with him. I already knows what he feels about me, he has given me the non-special speech once too many times and I don't want to hear it again. I am hoping I can work through these feelings before my next apponintment on Thurs. , so I don't have to talk to him about it. I am a realist, and I know I just have to accept our relationship for what it is, and move on, and try not let the letting go hurt so much.
My DH is coming home from China tomorrow. I have been getting these mushy emails from him this week. I am like what? This is news to me. But it confuses me all the more with him. Maybe there is some hope with him after all. Thanks for your support, I am trying to hang in there! :) I did yoga today, and I was so relaxed, I came home and slept 2 hours.
Posted by happyflower on October 28, 2005, at 14:51:52
In reply to Re: Saw my T at the gym today Dinah and » daisym, posted by happyflower on October 28, 2005, at 14:09:38
Okay, I am probably adding salt to my wounds but her is another song I heard today.I wanna be the one
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
I'm so tired
but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge
of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much
but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside,
but we can't be heard
But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
I'm so afraid to love you,
but more afraid to loose
Clinging to a past
that doesn't let me choose
Once there was a darkness,
deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had,
oh you gave me light
And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Weep not for the memories
Posted by happyflower on October 28, 2005, at 14:59:37
In reply to more lyrics Sarah McLachlan I Love You, posted by happyflower on October 28, 2005, at 14:51:52
Posted by Susan47 on October 28, 2005, at 18:38:55
In reply to more lyrics Sarah McLachlan I Love You, posted by happyflower on October 28, 2005, at 14:51:52
I have a smile
stretched from ear to ear
To see you walkin' down the road
We meet at the lights
I stare for a while
The world around is disappears ...
It's just you and me
On my island of hope
A breath between us could be miles
Let me surround you
A sea to your shore ...
Let me be the calm you seek
Oh and everytime I'm close to you
There's too much I can't say
And you just walk away ...
And I forgot
To tell you, I love you ...
And now it's too long
I'm cold here without you
I grieve in my condition
For I cannot find the words to say
I need you so.
Posted by Susan47 on October 28, 2005, at 18:41:23
In reply to more lyrics Sarah McLachlan I Love You, posted by happyflower on October 28, 2005, at 14:51:52
... and every time
I'm close to you
there's too much I can't say
And you just walk away ...
And I forgot to tell you
I Love You ...
And now it's too long
I'm cold here without you ...
I grieve in my condition,
for I cannot find the words to say,
I need you so.
Posted by happyflower on October 30, 2005, at 15:32:22
In reply to Re: Thanks to everyone, posted by B2chica on October 26, 2005, at 11:28:28
I just don't think he should come to my concert.It is on the weekend and he should spend time with his family, and friends, not come to my concert. I am nobody to him, he should spend time with the somebodies in his life. I was a nobody to my parents, and they didn't come to my concerts, why should he? He told me he was going to treat me like he does any of his clients, not special. So coming to my concert, well wouldn't that be treating me special? I don't want him to care about me, I don't want to care about him. I just want him to leave me alone so I can get on with my life without him. It hurts to have everything in life that is good turn bad always. I don't want the pain of losing another person in my life.
Posted by Susan47 on October 30, 2005, at 15:34:19
In reply to Re: Thanks to everyone, posted by happyflower on October 26, 2005, at 12:39:58
Well, but how long has he been your T? Wouldn't that make a difference to how you welcome him into your life? If you're not ready to do that, you might have a reason not to trust him. Go with your instincts, don't get hurt.
Posted by Happyflower on October 30, 2005, at 16:38:57
In reply to Re: Thanks to everyone » happyflower, posted by Susan47 on October 30, 2005, at 15:34:19
> Well, but how long has he been your T? Wouldn't that make a difference to how you welcome him into your life? If you're not ready to do that, you might have a reason not to trust him. Go with your instincts, don't get hurt.
I have seeing him since this January. I do trust him but I still don't want to get hurt when I end therapy.
Posted by Tamar on October 30, 2005, at 16:39:38
In reply to Re: Thanks to everyone, posted by happyflower on October 26, 2005, at 12:39:58
Permission to speak freely, Captain?
(i.e. I've had some thoughts I'd like to run by you, but I want to warn you that they might conflict with some of yours.)
If you want to hear them, let me know. If you don't, that's absolutely fine and you can ignore this message!
Either way, I thought you might need some hugs:
(((((Happyflower)))))
Posted by Happyflower on October 30, 2005, at 16:49:22
In reply to Re: Thanks to everyone » happyflower, posted by Tamar on October 30, 2005, at 16:39:38
> Permission to speak freely, Captain?
>
> (i.e. I've had some thoughts I'd like to run by you, but I want to warn you that they might conflict with some of yours.)Blast away, I need all the help and advice I need. :) Don't worry I can take it. Thanks for the hugs, I need them so badly!
> If you want to hear them, let me know. If you don't, that's absolutely fine and you can ignore this message!
>
> Either way, I thought you might need some hugs:
> (((((Happyflower)))))
>
>
Posted by Happyflower on October 30, 2005, at 16:59:01
In reply to Re: Thanks to everyone, posted by Happyflower on October 30, 2005, at 16:49:22
Posted by Tamar on October 30, 2005, at 17:50:20
In reply to Re: Thanks to everyone, posted by happyflower on October 26, 2005, at 12:39:58
No blasting from me! But there are my honest thoughts…
It looks to me very much as if you are experiencing a transference reaction. I think it has a lot to do with your parents, and a little bit to do with your husband.
It sounds to me as if you don’t believe you deserve to be special to your therapist. I know you said he didn’t want to be *very* special to you, and that must have hurt. Well, I would have felt hurt. I remember reading that and thinking how hurt I’d have felt if my therapist had said it to me.
And I can see how the idea that he might come to your concert feels like he’s treating you as ‘more special’ than other clients, who aren’t talented like you and aren’t in concerts that he could go to.
So I can imagine that you remember your parents’ lack of interest in your performances and still feel deeply hurt (I know I would)… and that you don’t want to allow your therapist to hurt you the way your parents hurt you.
At the same time, your husband is neglecting you and that might also be reminding you of your parents’ neglect and lack of love. And on top of that there’s a sense of sexual rejection by your husband that parallels the inevitable sexual rejection that occurs in the therapeutic relationship. And that makes the feeling of neglect even harder.
You’re fairly sure that your therapist is attracted to you. So no matter what he says about clients not being special, you suspect that you are special to him. And it’s frustrating that he won’t admit it, especially because you didn’t feel special to your parents and you don’t feel special to your husband at the moment.
It sounds to me as if you’re particularly angry at your therapist for not *saying* that you’re special, despite wanting to *show* you you’re special by coming to your concert. I think you might feel he’s sending you mixed messages at a time when you don’t want any bullsh*t from him because you’re getting enough of that from your husband.
I may be completely off base here… but I do think it’s worth discussing in therapy.
Please feel free to tell me I’m completely wrong if I’ve missed the mark.
I hope things get better for you soon.
Tamar
Posted by fallsfall on October 30, 2005, at 18:39:19
In reply to Re: Thanks to everyone, posted by Happyflower on October 30, 2005, at 16:49:22
I think Tamar brings up some very good points. I definately think that this is something that you should discuss in therapy.
Years ago, my first therapist came to see me skate in an ice show. She had been taking beginner lessons in a class that I was helping with when I first went to see her. I stopped skating for a while, and this ice show was a triumph because I was getting back to skating. I did feel special that she came (I skated right at the beginning and she only stayed to see me skate, so I know that the only reason she came was for me). Sometimes I wonder if feeling that special was a good thing for me. We didn't really talk about that aspect of it, and in retrospect, I wish that we had.
You might want to ask him what message he is trying to send to you by coming to the concert. And you might want to talk about your fears about him coming.
Maybe he IS trying to tell you that you are special. That you are wonderful and unique and important to him. So perhaps your refusal to let him come might be because you don't think that you are those things. Well, WE think you are those things, too.
I also tried to convince my current therapist that I didn't want to talk to him while he was on vacation. He made it very clear to me that it was HIS decision how he spent his time, not mine. And that he would weigh his need for vacation against his need for me to not be a mess when he got back. And that it wasn't my decision to make. Whether your therapist spends his weekend watching your concert or being with his family is not your decision to make. Maybe he'll bring his wife and they'll have a nice date!
Talk to him. Tell him what it means to you. Find out what it means to him.
Posted by Happyflower on October 30, 2005, at 18:45:37
In reply to Re: Thanks to everyone » happyflower, posted by Tamar on October 30, 2005, at 17:50:20
Hey Tamar,
I think you are onto something here. It all makes sense what you are saying and you are probably right.
I guess in a nutshell I didn't feel special to my parents, my DH doesn't make me feel special anymore and my T says I am not very special to him. So I don't feel special to anyone right now, and it sucks. I want to be special! and I want to be told I am ! I guess I am starting to sound like a little kid stomping my feet pouting in my pillow crying.
I guess I am a little angry at my T because he says I am not very special to him but yet he wants to come to my concert which seems special to me. So yes, I am sick of the messed up mixed signals full of bullsh#t coming out of the mouth of my T right now. (boy that sounds mean, ouch!)
I don't want to be special to someone who I really can't be special to. I don't want to get hurt. And I always have a habit of ditching people if I feel like I am going to get hurt. My T even knows this, I have done it to him before. When I started to feel too attached, I would say something mean to him, like he looked h@ll one day, so I could reject him before he rejects me so I don't get hurt.
So I guess with all the increased attention I am getting from my T , makes me feel like he really cares about me and it makes me feel special,but also make me feel closer to him and that scares me. Because everyone who gets close to me sh#ts on me eventually.
Posted by Happyflower on October 30, 2005, at 18:51:19
In reply to I want to be special, but yet I don't. cycle » Tamar, posted by Happyflower on October 30, 2005, at 18:45:37
Geez just when I thought I was over my parents abuse and neglect , my life keeps reflecting it back at me.
Posted by Happyflower on October 30, 2005, at 18:59:13
In reply to Re: Thanks to everyone » Happyflower, posted by fallsfall on October 30, 2005, at 18:39:19
I don't know how to bring this up. Deep down it mean a lot to me that he wants to come to my concert, and I guess I am afraid if I make a big deal out of it, he won't come. In fact he told me he wasn't going to tell me for sure if he is coming and I said I wanted to know. And he pressed me further by asking Why? I told him just because I just wanted to know. He left it alone after that. He doesn't really push me which is good becasue I have been pushing myself a lot in therapy.
I did ask him why he wanted to come to my concert and he turned red and looked down and said because he likes music too. I told him there was better bands to listen to then mine. Why can't he just be staight with me?
Posted by fallsfall on October 30, 2005, at 19:17:37
In reply to Re: Thanks to everyone » fallsfall, posted by Happyflower on October 30, 2005, at 18:59:13
My therapist didn't tell me for sure that she was coming either. I didn't know that she had been there until I saw her at our next session. Maybe they don't want to promise us something and not be able to keep that promise for some reason (like they have a sick kid or something). So they tell us that they MIGHT come.
You could bring it up like this "This weekend I was agonizing over something, so I guess we should probably discuss it. I'm really conflicted over whether I want you to come to my concert or not". The discussions that have to do with our reactions TO THEM can be very valuable. They can be really hard, too. But I usually figure that this is what I'm paying money for - so I don't want to lose the therapeutic opportunity, so I just barrel into it.
I also sense that you are having trouble accepting that you are special, but not very special. What would it mean to be very special to him? Is being just "special" not a good thing?
Posted by Happyflower on October 30, 2005, at 20:32:45
In reply to Re: Thanks to everyone » Happyflower, posted by fallsfall on October 30, 2005, at 19:17:37
> My therapist didn't tell me for sure that she was coming either. I didn't know that she had been there until I saw her at our next session. Maybe they don't want to promise us something and not be able to keep that promise for some reason (like they have a sick kid or something). So they tell us that they MIGHT come.
This makes sense why they would do this. I told him that I would see him because I look at all the audience. But my T said he would come in a discuise with a hat and sunglasses! I think he was joking. Then he said he might be dancing in the isles singing, go trumpets, blow those notes or something like that. He even did the dance on the way out of the room! LOL I told him just don't tell anyone I know him, if he decides to dance and sing in the isles. LOL
> You could bring it up like this "This weekend I was agonizing over something, so I guess we should probably discuss it. I'm really conflicted over whether I want you to come to my concert or not". The discussions that have to do with our reactions TO THEM can be very valuable. They can be really hard, too. But I usually figure that this is what I'm paying money for - so I don't want to lose the therapeutic opportunity, so I just barrel into it.
I still don't know if I have the guts to bring this up. I am a big chicken! :) Plus we have my marriage to talk about too. It seems like I need a double session or more often than once a month. Maybe I am not ready for once a month. But then again, I could always call for an extra session.
> I also sense that you are having trouble accepting that you are special, but not very special. What would it mean to be very special to him? Is being just "special" not a good thing?
Yeah, I don't know what being special really means . I know what he means by "very" special, he means like his wife or daughter. But he doesn't tell me I am just special either, and I already know I am not "very" special because he told me and I already knew that. Duh! I guess it would feel good to be special to him but he said he treats all his clients the same way so being special to him is out of the question, and being very special would mean he would divorce his wife and be with me. (not likely) So I guess I can only go by his actions, not his words. T's can make therapy is so hard sometimes.
Posted by fallsfall on October 31, 2005, at 6:38:16
In reply to Re: Thanks to everyone » fallsfall, posted by Happyflower on October 30, 2005, at 20:32:45
Can only one patient be special to him? Or can you be special in your way, and another patient be special in their way? Can each of you be special, and capture his attention and caring in your own unique way?
I agree that very special is reserved for wife and family. And you don't want him to leave his wife and marry you, do you? So isn't it OK that she is very special?
Given the amount of time and effort you have expended talking about him coming to this concert of yours, I think it is worth talking about... These topics can be life changing - modifying our long held views of reality. I guess I figure that is more important than the current day issues. And the fact that you are chicken to bring it up also says how important it is. Get your money's worth!
Good luck
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