![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on October 29, 2005, at 19:56:18
One week from tomorrow.
My mood is getting worse and worse. I don't know if it's thinking about therapy, or cutting back on the Risperdal because I've been eating everything in the blasted house. But I'm just feeling lower and lower. Therapy has been more on my mind the last day or so, since I know he arrived home today.
Sigh.
I think I'll go back up on the Risperdal and see if that helps. If not, my best guess is therapy.
Posted by fallsfall on October 29, 2005, at 21:03:20
In reply to Countdown, posted by Dinah on October 29, 2005, at 19:56:18
(((Dinah)))
If you are anything like me, it could also mean that you need to be a mess in order to fill the status quo. Can you think of any advantage to you of being more of a mess? Do you think that would give you a better chance of keeping your therapist?
Maybe you are nothing like me, but those are the questions I would be asked...
Remember to breathe. Do you talk to T3 before you see T1? I wonder if she could be helpful.
This will be a long week. Don't be a stranger.
Love,
Falls.
Posted by daisym on October 29, 2005, at 22:21:35
In reply to Countdown, posted by Dinah on October 29, 2005, at 19:56:18
Dinah,
Sometimes it is really hard to know why we feel so down -- that is what we need therapy for! A week still seems like such a long time to wait after you've already waited so long.
Are you having conversations in your head with him? Sometimes it is helpful to think about what he might say before he actually says it. I hope it all works out the way you are hoping.
Posted by Dinah on October 29, 2005, at 23:35:34
In reply to Re: Countdown, posted by daisym on October 29, 2005, at 22:21:35
You know how I always worried that I couldn't keep him internalized for any length of time without seeing him? Well, I was right. He's too far away to have any internal conversations.
I do remember that I don't want to be abandoned. So that's my hope.
Posted by Dinah on October 29, 2005, at 23:39:55
In reply to Re: Countdown » Dinah, posted by fallsfall on October 29, 2005, at 21:03:20
I don't think at the moment that fears of getting better are influencing me too much. :)
I talked to T3 Thursday morning. I pretty much forgot the conversation as soon as we had it. Which is unfortunately not unusual for me right now.
I remember she told me that it wouldn't hurt my husband to tell him what I prefer in the way of touch, because I did right away before I forgot, and he didn't mind at all, and has thus far remembered.
But that's it.
I guess it takes time.
Posted by gardenergirl on October 29, 2005, at 23:55:03
In reply to Re: Countdown » fallsfall, posted by Dinah on October 29, 2005, at 23:39:55
Hi dinah,
Good for you for taking that risk with your hubby. I'm glad it went okay.The time between now and your appt. will probably pass faster than you think. Can you try to distract yourself with work stuff or some other task?
And you know, I often forget sessions, still. It's frustrating, isn't it?
Take care,
gg
Posted by LadyBug on October 30, 2005, at 0:33:36
In reply to Countdown, posted by Dinah on October 29, 2005, at 19:56:18
I wish you were doing better. I hope the time goes fast for you. After this appointment, when will you see him again? How often to do plan on seeing him? Do you have to travel this time? Like all day's worth?? I wish you the best in getting to a better place.
It sounds as if T3 is helping you with some great stuff. Touch? That is tender isn't it?
I still don't know what I'd do if I was placed in your shoes. I'd be so lost without my T. I'm afraid she'd find me on her front door step wanting to come in and visit in her home! And what could she do about it, tell me to get lost?
So what do you plan to talk to him about?? Have you got a plan? I seem to do better if I have something I want to address. But lately I've had so much other stuff going on in my life, I'm just trying to live and breathe right now. I'm fighting my own struggles right now and I hate it.
Keep us posted so we can help you make the time go by faster!!
LadyBug
Posted by Happyflower on October 30, 2005, at 7:59:39
In reply to Re: Countdown » Dinah, posted by LadyBug on October 30, 2005, at 0:33:36
HI Dinah,
I thought I would be counting down for the same reason as you, but I am for the first time NOT looking forward to therapy. I gotta get over this feeling. He hasn't done anything wrong, he is just being my therapist. But I feel into the web of therapy and right now my T looks like a big bannana spider wanting to eat me. YIKES! Good luck on your countdown, you can do it! :)
Posted by Pfinstegg on October 30, 2005, at 11:50:16
In reply to Countdown, posted by Dinah on October 29, 2005, at 19:56:18
Hi Dinah.. is he back at his former house, near you? What about his office? Is he going to stay put, so you can see him regularly? Maybe, if you can see him once or twice a week, plus use T3 as a sex counsellor, it might be really good- although not good on the pocketbook!
Posted by fallsfall on October 30, 2005, at 15:11:08
In reply to Re: Countdown » fallsfall, posted by Dinah on October 29, 2005, at 23:39:55
That does sound like progress with her and your husband! Good for you.
I hope when you see T1 that you can be sure to do what is right for you. Not for him, but for you. If it isn't going to work, I hope that you can see that and accept it. I think that you HAVE shown in the last couple of months that you CAN survive withouth him. Not that you wouldn't prefer to stay with him - but you have survived this time (and pretty well, from my perspective). You have particular needs, which include frequent contact. If he can't meet those needs then you will be angry and frustrated. And that won't be helpful.
If the two of you can work out some arrangement that meets your needs, that would be great. But please don't work out an arrangement that meets his needs, but not yours.
You are the one that I am concerned about.
Posted by Tamar on October 30, 2005, at 15:29:22
In reply to Countdown, posted by Dinah on October 29, 2005, at 19:56:18
> One week from tomorrow.
May it pass quickly!
> My mood is getting worse and worse. I don't know if it's thinking about therapy, or cutting back on the Risperdal because I've been eating everything in the blasted house. But I'm just feeling lower and lower. Therapy has been more on my mind the last day or so, since I know he arrived home today.
I think the last few days are probably the hardest. The pressure must be very intense. (((((Dinah)))))
I’m really glad your husband has remembered what you told him about touch. It sounds as if he’s willing to make an effort to make you more comfortable, which makes him a cool guy in my view!
Posted by Annierose on October 30, 2005, at 19:38:13
In reply to Countdown, posted by Dinah on October 29, 2005, at 19:56:18
I surely hope the days go by quick for you. It must seem like forever. I guess I know why T's often say the more you go, the better is it. The seperation is difficult enough, reconnecting can be harder. I hope there is some sense after your session that you will be able to see him weekly. And I agree with other posters, you have done what you thought you couldn't, you have survived a huricane and the loss of your T (on a regular basis) and you are still HERE!! You can do this! You are doing this.
And bravo for talking to your husband. And for him picking up on it!! Double snaps!!! My hubsand never minds me telling him those types of things, but he is never one to tell me stuff. I have concluded that he is more uncomfortable talking about sex than I!! And this is after 14 years of marriage.
Posted by Dinah on October 31, 2005, at 7:38:47
In reply to Re: Countdown » Dinah, posted by Pfinstegg on October 30, 2005, at 11:50:16
He's back to his home three hours away. I've been fighting the impulse to do a driveby of his local home to see if it's up for sale.
I have no idea what his future plans are, no idea of how often he can see me. Although at least for the next few months it's likely to be no more often than once a week unless I drive three hours. But now that he's in the area, I know it's possible (if not overly likely) that he could call me. He said before he left that if he was in town this week he could possibly see me before Sunday. And it bugs me that that thought fills me with anxiety. I've already decided to tell him that I'm pretty busy all week (which I am) and that if I've gone five weeks without seeing him, I can manage the few days more that would be remaining after my various engagements are passed (I'm booked for Tues. and Wed.). But it bugs me that I'm anxious about whether or not he will call, even if I know what he'll say. If he doesn't, I'll probably call Thurs. or Fri. to confirm our Sunday appt to make sure he hasn't forgotten, or decided to go to Abu Dhabi or something.
Even though at the present time I don't feel much of a connection to him, and can't quite figure out what I get from therapy or why I spend time and money on it, I still feel like that middle-school girl waiting by the phone. :(
Posted by Dinah on October 31, 2005, at 7:40:22
In reply to Re: Countdown » Dinah, posted by gardenergirl on October 29, 2005, at 23:55:03
I think it just wasn't memorable. I'm supposed to see her face to face the next time, which is a week from Tuesday. Maybe that will help make her seem real.
But the truth is that maybe I don't need therapy so much as I needed my therapist. They really aren't washing machines.
Posted by Dinah on October 31, 2005, at 7:43:37
In reply to Re: Countdown » Dinah, posted by LadyBug on October 30, 2005, at 0:33:36
I imagine the therapy session will be focussed on what direction therapy will be going. If he's planning to continue to do therapy, or what. And he likely won't have answers, or if he does they won't be answers I like, so I won't open up any.
I mean, how can I open up to him under these circumstances?
I used to think the same as you. But when it comes down to it, the feelings of anxiety at uncertainty and abandonment swamp the feelings of attachment so that the latter are drowning and gasping for the last bits of healthy air.
Posted by Dinah on October 31, 2005, at 7:44:49
In reply to Re: Countdown, posted by Happyflower on October 30, 2005, at 7:59:39
It'll probably feel differently once you see him. I think your fears are building on fears, and the reality will be reassuringly unscary.
But I could be all wrong. :)
Posted by Dinah on October 31, 2005, at 7:46:35
In reply to Re: Countdown » Dinah, posted by fallsfall on October 30, 2005, at 15:11:08
I'm guessing that for at least a while longer, I'll take whatever he can offer. Those strings of attachment are quite strong, you know. But eventually the anxiety and stress will wear right through them.
I'm just hoping he doesn't terminate the relationship quickly. I'd rather lose my attachment to him completely first.
Posted by Dinah on October 31, 2005, at 7:51:14
In reply to Re: Countdown, posted by Tamar on October 30, 2005, at 15:29:22
I think knowing it's closer brings it more to mind, and I grieve the loss of a relationship that's been important to me for ten years.
I gave him a small one of these for our tenth anniversary, and kept one for myself.
https://www.museumshop.com/gifts/item.do?itemId=2422&siteId=342
I feel sad when I see mine.
Posted by Dinah on October 31, 2005, at 7:54:08
In reply to Re: Countdown » Dinah, posted by Annierose on October 30, 2005, at 19:38:13
And my various T's didn't think I could tolerate living with pain. Snort. The only thing that could be more painful than this is losing a member of your immediate family.
I was surprised my husband seemed glad rather than upset by what could be perceived as criticism, or so I thought. He forgot this morning, but maybe I'll try reminding him whenever he forgets until it's second nature to him.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.