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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rainbowbrite on October 6, 2005, at 14:37:32
Are my expectations too high? Arent the Ts supposed to make it all better, like NOW?? :-)
Ok Im not sure whats going on but it seems that T doesnt know what to say to me. its cbt, so what is supposed to happen when you say something to T? Shouldnt they respond relatively soon? I find I say things and then there are these ridiculous silences where I feel like I need to say something enlightening or im to answer my own statement/question. Help please?! This isnt psyhcoanalysis where silenes are normal :-(
Posted by orchid on October 6, 2005, at 14:42:59
In reply to Therapy Experts!!??, posted by rainbowbrite on October 6, 2005, at 14:37:32
Therapists don't have answers to all questions. They are also human, and many times they also don't know what to do or how to solve an issue. I don't think we can expect them to know everything and be able to solve all issues or make us feel better NOW. IT might take several years even for them to completely understand us, or to give us very valuable insights which will help us feel better. Human emotions are such complex subjects, and it is almost impossible for another person to make us better immediately.
But if you think your therapist lacks even common knowledge and skill, maybe that is a problem with your T.
Posted by rainbowbrite on October 6, 2005, at 14:53:23
In reply to Re: Therapy Experts!!?? » rainbowbrite, posted by orchid on October 6, 2005, at 14:42:59
Hey Orchid,
thanks, I was just kidding about NOW :-). But I do think these silences that I have to fill seem out of place. It seems like he should say, you are not $%&*& or yes I agree you suck LOL
You know what I mean? As opposed to letting me sit with this. Or is that normal?
Posted by orchid on October 6, 2005, at 15:00:16
In reply to Re: Therapy Experts!!?? » orchid, posted by rainbowbrite on October 6, 2005, at 14:53:23
Why don't you ask him when he is silent? Ask him why he is silent most of the time.
Maybe he is just trying to make you think more about what you said yourself.
My first T was like that - he never wrote too much, but usually after a week or two of me writing my stuff, I will get clarity on it myself. Maybe your T is adapting a strategy like that. But in anycase, if it is bothering you, maybe you should ask. Even I felt with my first T it would have been better if he had wrote back more and guided me more instead of leaving most of it to myself to figure out.
Posted by muffled on October 6, 2005, at 15:57:57
In reply to Therapy Experts!!??, posted by rainbowbrite on October 6, 2005, at 14:37:32
> Are my expectations too high? Arent the Ts supposed to make it all better, like NOW?? :-)
Sigh, don't we ALL wish!!!!
>
> Ok Im not sure whats going on but it seems that T doesnt know what to say to me. its cbt, so what is supposed to happen when you say something to T? Shouldnt they respond relatively soon? I find I say things and then there are these ridiculous silences where I feel like I need to say something enlightening or im to answer my own statement/question. Help please?! This isnt psyhcoanalysis where silenes are normal :-(Major BUMMER. I would hate that. I can't seem to make myself talk so my T asks lots of questions and teaches me stuff. If my T did what your T does I'd probably pass out from anxiety or start swearing at him.
Yeah. I'd definately ask your T about that. Definately.
Muffled
Posted by Tamar on October 6, 2005, at 17:39:40
In reply to Therapy Experts!!??, posted by rainbowbrite on October 6, 2005, at 14:37:32
> Are my expectations too high? Arent the Ts supposed to make it all better, like NOW?? :-)
OK, your expectations are too high! You now it can’t happen NOW! But seriously, you’re asking a very important question.
> Ok Im not sure whats going on but it seems that T doesnt know what to say to me. its cbt, so what is supposed to happen when you say something to T? Shouldnt they respond relatively soon? I find I say things and then there are these ridiculous silences where I feel like I need to say something enlightening or im to answer my own statement/question. Help please?! This isnt psyhcoanalysis where silenes are normal :-(
I think silences are normal in CBT too. Sometimes therapists might be silent if they’re waiting for you to say more, especially if they think you might have more to say. And sometimes people do answer their own statements and questions. I’ve done that many times!
If you’re concerned about it, talk to your therapist. I guess I’d be more concerned if I thought my therapist didn’t understand me… but that’s just me.
Posted by rainbowbrite on October 6, 2005, at 19:10:25
In reply to Re: Therapy Experts!!?? » rainbowbrite, posted by orchid on October 6, 2005, at 15:00:16
good point, I never thought to ask.
Posted by rainbowbrite on October 6, 2005, at 19:11:24
In reply to Re: Therapy Experts!!?? » rainbowbrite, posted by muffled on October 6, 2005, at 15:57:57
> Major BUMMER. I would hate that. I can't seem to make myself talk so my T asks lots of questions and teaches me stuff. If my T did what your T does I'd probably pass out from anxiety or start swearing at him.
> Yeah. I'd definately ask your T about that. Definately.
> Muffled
>lol yeah its really frustrating
Posted by rainbowbrite on October 6, 2005, at 19:18:19
In reply to Re: Therapy Experts!!?? » rainbowbrite, posted by Tamar on October 6, 2005, at 17:39:40
> > Are my expectations too high? Arent the Ts supposed to make it all better, like NOW?? :-)
>
> OK, your expectations are too high!hey, you are not supposed to say that lol j/k
> I think silences are normal in CBT too. Sometimes therapists might be silent if they’re waiting for you to say more, especially if they think you might have more to say. And sometimes people do answer their own statements and questions. I’ve done that many times!
>I do that too but sometimes its because I feel like I have to .
> If you’re concerned about it, talk to your therapist. I guess I’d be more concerned if I thought my therapist didn’t understand me… but that’s just me.
>Im not sure I can ask yet, we are too new. But I guess Im going to have to. I think Im understood so thats a good thing.
Posted by Angela2 on October 6, 2005, at 23:35:40
In reply to Re: Therapy Experts!!?? » orchid, posted by rainbowbrite on October 6, 2005, at 14:53:23
My therapist is the same way in that she lets me sit with my feelings. She says she doesn't like "fluff talk" becasue it's only short term and it's not her style. Well sometimes I wish it was.
Posted by Dinah on October 7, 2005, at 5:05:24
In reply to Re: Therapy Experts!!?? » orchid, posted by rainbowbrite on October 6, 2005, at 14:53:23
I've learned to come out and ask for what I need.
For instance, my therapist finds long silences comfortable and assumes I'm reflecting. When in reality I'm thinking something like "Why isn't he saying anything? What is he thinking? Well, I'm not going to be the first to say something. I said something last and now it's his turn. Say something d*mnit!!"
But over time I've learned that when I start thinking those thoughts to instead say "Your silence isn't what I need right now. Could you comment on what I said, or even change the subject please?"
Which often gets a response along the lines of why silence wouldn't be comfortable to me at that moment or why I didn't say something. But at least that's *something*.
Posted by Dinah on October 7, 2005, at 5:13:01
In reply to Re: Therapy Experts!!?? » Tamar, posted by rainbowbrite on October 6, 2005, at 19:18:19
I think Tamar's right (as usual). But my therapist has subtle ways of communicating why he's silent.
A half smile or eyebrow quirk usually means "Did you hear what you just said? Would you like to have time to think about it?"
A very still silence means I've surprised him and he's thinking about what to say.
If I've just expressed emotion, it probably means either "It's good that you expressed that emotion, and I think you should sit and experience that instead of pushing it aside like you usually do." or "Maybe you have something more to say about that and I don't want to distract you."
It's the latter ones I don't like, and I might like them better if he developed signals that indicated which meaning his silence has.
Hmmm... And I manage to detect all that with my eyes closed. I see much better with my eyes closed. Subtle shifts in posture, changes in emotional temperature, that sort of stuff.
Posted by rainbowbrite on October 7, 2005, at 9:49:58
In reply to Re: Therapy Experts!!?? » rainbowbrite, posted by Angela2 on October 6, 2005, at 23:35:40
> My therapist is the same way in that she lets me sit with my feelings. She says she doesn't like "fluff talk" becasue it's only short term and it's not her style. Well sometimes I wish it was.
OMG fluff talk is my favorite kinda talk lol I hate when I cant talk fluffy :-)
Thanks I was worried it was something to do with me or something.
Posted by rainbowbrite on October 7, 2005, at 9:53:13
In reply to Re: Therapy Experts!!?? » rainbowbrite, posted by Dinah on October 7, 2005, at 5:05:24
> For instance, my therapist finds long silences comfortable and assumes I'm reflecting. When in reality I'm thinking something like "Why isn't he saying anything? What is he thinking? Well, I'm not going to be the first to say something. I said something last and now it's his turn. Say something d*mnit!!"Yes, that exactly how I feel d*mnit!
>
> But over time I've learned that when I start thinking those thoughts to instead say "Your silence isn't what I need right now. Could you comment on what I said, or even change the subject please?"
>
Hey I like that, thanks. I could say something like 'your silence isnt what I need' Ive been afraid of what the response will be. But I have to say someting or this will go nowhere.
Posted by fallsfall on October 8, 2005, at 13:41:29
In reply to Re: Therapy Experts!!?? » Dinah, posted by rainbowbrite on October 7, 2005, at 9:53:13
When we're talking about hard stuff I usually don't look at his face. I look at the flowers (he always has fresh flowers), out the window, at his desk, at the stool, anywhere but at his face.
Lots of the time he lets the silence sit (but he is pretty astute in figuring out when he should ask what I'm thinking about). When the silence gets too much for me, I look at his face. It is my way of saying "I'm stuck. Help me out here". It doesn't always make him start talking, but at least we both know that I'm stuck...
And, yes, lots of times I think that therapists leave the silence because they want us to think about what they just said, or worse - what we just said.
Posted by fairywings on October 8, 2005, at 19:09:01
In reply to Therapy Experts!!??, posted by rainbowbrite on October 6, 2005, at 14:37:32
I'm sure no expert, but my ex T, CBT, talked a lot. It was very conversational, I liked that. No dead air. My new T also talks a lot, no dead air. Very insightful. With both I feel like we talk(ed) non-stop pretty much, and if I didn't talk they ask(ed) questions.
I think I'd be uncomfortable with them not talking more. Since it's new, maybe ask if there's supposed to be so much dead air, couldn't they be more directional, how's it supposed to work, that kind of thing.
fw
Posted by rainbowbrite on October 9, 2005, at 8:52:48
In reply to Re: Therapy Experts!!?? » rainbowbrite, posted by fallsfall on October 8, 2005, at 13:41:29
> When we're talking about hard stuff I usually don't look at his face. I look at the flowers (he always has fresh flowers), out the window, at his desk, at the stool, anywhere but at his face.
He always has fresh flowers! thats so cute!!> Lots of the time he lets the silence sit (but he is pretty astute in figuring out when he should ask what I'm thinking about). When the silence gets too much for me, I look at his face. It is my way of saying "I'm stuck. Help me out here". It doesn't always make him start talking, but at least we both know that I'm stuck...
>
> And, yes, lots of times I think that therapists leave the silence because they want us to think about what they just said, or worse - what we just said.Yeah Im not sure what is going on with mine. I kept thinking hmm do I say things that are not answerable or difficult to answer am I difficult to respond to. But hopefully I will be able to say somehting next time because its too awkward for me otherwise. Hopefully it is more about wanting me to think. Maybe I talk to much
Posted by rainbowbrite on October 9, 2005, at 8:58:57
In reply to Re: Therapy Experts!!?? » rainbowbrite, posted by fairywings on October 8, 2005, at 19:09:01
> I'm sure no expert, but my ex T, CBT, talked a lot. It was very conversational, I liked that. No dead air. My new T also talks a lot, no dead air. Very insightful. With both I feel like we talk(ed) non-stop pretty much, and if I didn't talk they ask(ed) questions.
>Mine is still very conversational but there are these moments where I want to say "come on, just say something, or recite something out of your CBT/psych book. The silience makes me feel like, oh I dont know, not good though.
> I think I'd be uncomfortable with them not talking more. Since it's new, maybe ask if there's supposed to be so much dead air, couldn't they be more directional, how's it supposed to work, that kind of thing.
>
> fwI think Im going to. I worry about saying something insulting, but I think I will say something when it happens again, like "are you trying to get me to think or are you thinking?" or is there no response to what I just said? maybe that last one was a little rude. Hopefully I will get a positive response.
Posted by fairywings on October 10, 2005, at 8:38:12
In reply to Re: Therapy Experts!!?? » fairywings, posted by rainbowbrite on October 9, 2005, at 8:58:57
I got to thinking about this last night, and I realized that when I bring other people into "it", he doesn't say anything. Like if I
say my sister said..., or when I talked to my brother he said... I think maybe he doesn't want to comment on things unless they just pertain to me. I didn't see the connection until I wrote it out, so I'm glad you brought up the question. It made me think.fw
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