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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by fairywings on September 16, 2005, at 8:54:41
Okay, here's a little more of what happened. My T said that my father was a monster, and that it wasn't safe for me to confront all of this until now, which is why all of this didn't come up for me until now. And that in every person or situation where the hurt child inside of me would normally respond to my dad out of fear or feeling threatened, or whatever my dad made me feel, I will see my dad's face superimposed on that person/situation, until I get in touch with that part of me, and take care of her, and relearn how to deal with things (corrective learning experience?). And that I will never be able to bury my dad until I can do this.
And I said, "how do i do that?" And he said, "Don't treat her the way your dad would have treated her!" Well then I felt threatened, I felt like he was abandoning me, and becoming the champion for my child, but i didn't say anything. And then i said, So, how do i get over it?", and he said, "You will NEVER get over it, it will never, ever go away! You have to get in touch with that hurt child, and you have to take care of the child...." and I don't remember what else, because it all became a blur when he said i will never get over it.
Now, here's the cincher, and this is what's so scary, it's something that I can only realized recently realized, after reading that book. I've only admitted it to myself (with great difficulty) and to my husband, and I don't want to admit to my T, I'm not ready to admit it, because if and when I do I'm afraid my world will come crashing down around me. I'm scared to death. And I'm afraid he'll tell my p-doc, and I'm afraid they'll think I'm crazy, and I'm afraid he won't work with me anymore, and it's just so freaking scary, and I can't believe he left me hanging like this! Anyway, when I read that book about getting in touch with your inner child, the one my ex-T recommended, I realized that there are two, maybe 3, but I think 2 children inside of me, I mentioned this in a previous post, one about 5/6, and one about 14/15. The younger one is very hurt, but this is where I'm confused, I"m not sure if there are two because there's one who was very sunny, and outgoing, and happy, and I'm not sure if she's now just depressed and sad, or if it's another whole child, anyway, you might be able to understand why this whole thing freaks me out. I didn't know about any of this until July!
And is all of this metaphorical, or what? I see them in my mind's eye, i interact with them internally which makes me feel crazy, but they don't take me over, they don't take over my personality. this never happened before July. Is it metaphorical? I don't understand, I'm so confused, I don't understand what's going on, and when I asked him, he was SO vague, I think he knew he was freaking me out.
Anyway, the older one is SO incredibly critical of me! Critical of me as a parent, as a person, I eat too much, etc... She talks to me, and she's mature, but she makes me feel bad about myself. I don't like talking to her most of the time, but she parents the other child really well, and is very loving to her. She's mad at me because I'm denying them, but I'm afraid if I start to do that, I'll get so caught up in it that it will take me over. Yesterday, she told me tht last night that it was going to come out.
I do not want to admit all of this to my T, I do not want to have to deal with this at all. Other than self esteem issues, things were pretty much okay before I realized this, and I don't want to open up this can of worms. Is it possible to be aware of this, and not deal with it in therapy, and deal with the other issues, and not get into this stuff? I don't want to be haunted by this. I'm afraid if I open this up I'll feel like I'm walking around with just another dirty secret, and I just can't bear that.
please help me!
fairywings
Posted by muffled on September 16, 2005, at 11:17:12
In reply to a little more coherent, but I need some help!, posted by fairywings on September 16, 2005, at 8:54:41
((((fairywings)))) Don't push yourself so hard. Things'll come in good time. Give yourself a break! Somehow.
Its scarey, but you're smart, you'll be ok. This time will pass. :(
Muffled
Posted by fairywings on September 16, 2005, at 13:19:23
In reply to Re: a little more coherent, but I need some help! » fairywings, posted by muffled on September 16, 2005, at 11:17:12
I tried to get another appt. so my T can tell me what he's talking about, he was just to vague with me last night, but I can't get in. I know I should be reassured by what gg said, and I am in a way, but in another way im' not. i'm confused and i don't know what to even think, let alone what to do.
I feel like i'm in a panic, and i feel like i'm going to lose it.
fw
Posted by gardenergirl on September 16, 2005, at 13:31:05
In reply to Re: why won't anybody help me ?!, posted by fairywings on September 16, 2005, at 13:19:23
I just sent a babblemail.
gg
Posted by greyskyeyes on September 16, 2005, at 14:42:36
In reply to a little more coherent, but I need some help!, posted by fairywings on September 16, 2005, at 8:54:41
fw,
I haven't posted in a while, busy with work and in general nothing constructive to say anyways, but this really struck a chord in me. I've been going through a similar situation in my therapy. I've identified at least 3 separate voices in myself: an angry and violent teenager, a snotty, dismissive pre-teen who is protective of her younger sis, the third persona who is somewhere around 2-3 and pre-verbal. I also started wondering if I was DID... my T has assured me I am definitely not DID, but that these personas represent coping styles learned at each age. I remember at the end of one of our harder sessions, involving the little girl, my T asked what I would say to her if I could... I thought about it for a while, then said that words wouldn’t mean as much to her as actions would… but that I would hug her, hold her tight and whisper that everything will turn out OK (and take her out for ice cream!). And my T smiled. She said that that was the point of this, that I have to learn ways of reacting to myself that are different from how I was reacted to by my parents. And that, in turn, would – eventually – help me to learn to cope differently when faced with the situation. Does this makes sense? I guess the point is, that by treating yourself the way you should have been treated to begin with, you overcome the dysfunctional coping methods you were forced to develop.
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to turn this into something about me… but I’m hoping maybe this will help you. I’ve been there, I understand, and I feel for you. It’s hard as hell. Hang in there and it’ll be better in the long run.
greyskyeyes
Posted by gardenergirl on September 16, 2005, at 15:18:04
In reply to Re: a little more coherent, but I need some help! » fairywings, posted by greyskyeyes on September 16, 2005, at 14:42:36
To spin off grey...
I sometimes can identify inner critics or other thougths that have a definite "voice" and age associated with them. And I tend to view the part of me that carries most of the hurt and has most of the longings as a lost little girl.
It's still part of me, but it also is something that can be looked at separately, if that makes sense.
Greyskyeyes, it sounds like your T handled your worry very well.
gg
Posted by Tamar on September 16, 2005, at 15:56:53
In reply to a little more coherent, but I need some help!, posted by fairywings on September 16, 2005, at 8:54:41
Hi Fairywings,
I think I can understand a little better why you’re freaked out. Just a few thoughts:
1. You are NOT crazy. I think what you’re experiencing with the inner children is very normal and lots of people who don’t have mental health problems experience something similar.
2. When your therapist said you would never get over it, I think he was simply taking your childhood experience seriously and refusing to minimze it. I think he meant that there are things that never heal completely after they’re injured. I injured my knee a few years ago playing sport. It’ll always be a little weak but I’ve found ways of taking care of it so that I can continue to play sport. A more obvious example is that the experience of being raped will have a lifelong effect on my sexuality, but I am learning ways of handling it (as I suspect you have as well). So maybe getting over it isn’t really the point: the point is to learn to recover as best you can from some devastating events. If your T said you would one day be completely free of all feelings about it, he’d be minimizing your experience. I think he wants to be honest with you (always a good sign in a therapist, IMHO).
3. You don’t have a dirty secret. There’s nothing dirty or nasty about you. You are a wonderful person just the way you are. The hidden things are part of who you are. I suppose you could keep this stuff out of therapy, but you probably wouldn’t be doing yourself any favours if you refused to talk about it.
Ever since you started posting, I’ve had the impression that you’re an extremely courageous person; you’ve been through a lot of sh*t that no one should have to deal with, and you’ve dealt with in the best way you could. And you’ve been very brave with therapy so far.
So don’t be too hard on yourself, OK? Take it slowly and look after yourself.
I hope your T will help ease your fears.
Tamar
Posted by fairywings on September 16, 2005, at 17:09:38
In reply to Re: a little more coherent, but I need some help! » fairywings, posted by Tamar on September 16, 2005, at 15:56:53
thx grey, gg, and tamar,
you've made me feel much better, grey, i think the only thing we have to compare to is our own experiences, and thankfully mine aren't totally out there, i appreciate that you shared yours with me, thx. you too, gg i don't know what i'd be doing right now if i didn't have babble to turn to, i can't imagine trying to get through this thinking my world was crashing in around me, and not having ppl to talk to. thanks for saying i'm courageous tamar, i sure don't feel it, i feel pretty weak, but i appreciate your thoughts. you are all so kind.
fw
Posted by happyflower on September 16, 2005, at 21:56:31
In reply to a little more coherent, but I need some help!, posted by fairywings on September 16, 2005, at 8:54:41
((((((fairy wings))))))) I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. I know therapy can stir up some nasty sh*t sometimes. I am glad you are getting in earlier to see him. He is a good T and I am sure he can work this out with you. Let me know if there is anything that I can do, my good pal! :)
Posted by fairywings on September 16, 2005, at 22:34:51
In reply to Re: a little more coherent, but I need some help!, posted by happyflower on September 16, 2005, at 21:56:31
> ((((((fairy wings))))))) I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. I know therapy can stir up some nasty sh*t sometimes. I am glad you are getting in earlier to see him. He is a good T and I am sure he can work this out with you. Let me know if there is anything that I can do, my good pal! :)
I'm NOT getting in earlier to see him, i have a week to go. I wish I was getting in sooner so i could get some answers! but thanks, i appreciate the concern.
fw
Posted by terrics on September 17, 2005, at 16:44:40
In reply to a little more coherent, but I need some help!, posted by fairywings on September 16, 2005, at 8:54:41
Hi fw, I have a few thoughts. The feeling of interaction with inside of you is not multiple personality(DID). There is something else called a fragmented mind often attributed to child abuse and borderline personality. Borderline is losing some of its stigma. I am dxd with both bipolar and borderline and belong to a group of mostly nice people with the BPD dx.
Anyway I do not know your dx, but most borderlines were abused as children and many have minds the shattered into pieces, but not separate personalities.My other thought is that you may not be ready for this T. because he is so intense. And not to be mean, I think he may have a big fat ego. The fact that he left you hanging was not fair. Your life is not a soap-opera where you have to wait until the next day to see what is happening and then on Fri. the soaps really keep you hanging.(I also experience some inner 'grumblings' and I KNOW that I am not multible). If I am out of line please let me know. terrics
Posted by fairywings on September 17, 2005, at 19:02:30
In reply to Re: a little more coherent, but I need some help! » fairywings, posted by terrics on September 17, 2005, at 16:44:40
My dx is anxiety NOS. neither my T or my p-doc knew about the abuse, except the rape , until last night, too afraid to talk about it. i don't have the symptoms of borderline or DID, i've looked them up. we'll see what he has to say next time.
i don't think you're out of line at all, but i really like this T, i feel so comfortable with him; i think he will push me, but not over the edge. he knows i am ready to know whatever i need to know to get on with this, and he knows i'm going to set him straight when he veers off in the wrong direction. At least i hope i have this right, maybe i'm full of it, i don't know. i've sure been wrong before.
thanks for your thoughts though!
fw
Posted by terrics on September 17, 2005, at 21:12:54
In reply to Re: a little more coherent, but I need some help!, posted by fairywings on September 17, 2005, at 19:02:30
You really seem to have things together and I am glad you like your T. and that you are brave enough to stop him if needed. terrics
Posted by fairywings on September 18, 2005, at 6:59:40
In reply to Re: a little more coherent, but I need some help! » fairywings, posted by terrics on September 17, 2005, at 21:12:54
thanks terrics, i don't feel together, but i appreciate your thoughts! ; ) i do feel either a little brave to tell him this, or really stupid. you know if it were any other T in the office, there's no doubt in my mind, i'd never say a word about it, i'd keep it to myself. i don't know why. i think it would just feel really unsafe to say anything at all.
fw
Posted by greyskyeyes on September 19, 2005, at 13:37:14
In reply to Re: a little more coherent, but I need some help! » fairywings, posted by terrics on September 17, 2005, at 16:44:40
> There is something else called a fragmented mind often attributed to child abuse and borderline personality.
Terrics, do you mind elaborating on the fragmented mind? I'm borderline (mild) and curious to know a bit more about that.
Posted by terrics on September 19, 2005, at 21:07:54
In reply to Re: a little more coherent, but I need some help! » terrics, posted by greyskyeyes on September 19, 2005, at 13:37:14
I'm not sure if the book 'The Face in the Mirror' explains this. I don't think I read it. My idea of a fragmented mind has something to do with looking in a mirror which is cracked. All the pieces are there and function as one...No inners like DID. Yet sometimes there are 'voices' which are really your voice way down. Like thoughts that surface rather intensely and have some'news' to tell you. Somtimes I do not know the meaning of these intense messages. This is only my take on the meaning of fragmented. I am bipolar/borderline. Yet, I think that when it comes to the borderline part it is not too noticeable. Even the bipolar is not that obvious to the untrained eye. I hope this answers your question, but because this is my take on it, if I were you I would look it up, then let me know. Thanks, terrics
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