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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 7, 2005, at 22:21:11
i hate it how that happens
i really don't feel that i can talk to her about what is on my mind.
talking about it will only upset me
talking about it is only upsetting me
but still: sometimes you have to get it out
but no good will come of it.
i have come full circle
back to the issue that first brought me to babble.
i'm always going to have periods of non-productivity
i'm always going to have a couple days a week where i can't manage to do anything
i'm always going to miss some deadlines
and i have to face that
while i might improve
gradually
gradually
over time
i'm not going to improve fast enough for what i want out of life to be obtainable.
and it really isn't fair of me to apply
where the best case is that i take a place that could (should) have been offered to another
that would have been offered to another if they appreciated my situation a little more
if things get real bad
as they do from time to time
then i will be deported for treatment
and if i get deported back here for treatment of course i won't actually get treatment
and with no treatment
with no assurance that a recurrence is unlikely
they will not have me back
they will be peeved
that they wasted considerable time and money on me
they will be peeved
that i applied and kept this quiet
they will be peeved
that i knew it was highly likely that i would have a bad patch
a bad time
that i knew i needed treatment
that i kept all this quiet
and that they wasted considerable time and money on me
and word will get out...
(and this is all assuming they haven't found me out already)
and what hope is there really?
there isn't any
there isn't any f*cking hope
and i feel sick to my stomach
the world is one f*cked up place
the injustices make me want to heaveand you can have this back now thanks
Posted by JenStar on September 7, 2005, at 22:58:54
In reply to miscommunication, posted by alexandra_k on September 7, 2005, at 22:21:11
hi alexandra,
don't ever say that you are taking a position that should go to someone else! That's just not true. You're smart, intellectual, interesting and caring -- and you deserve every chance you get in life. And I say, take every opportunity that comes your way! Other people will find their own opportunities. If you have one in reach, hang on tight. :) It's all about survival, baby! Worry about YOU, not those other people.EVERYONE has issues. So you have days when you're not productive. Doesn't everyone have that? I mean, regardless of whether or not they have a formal dx or issue? I've worked with people who are dorks, slackers, idiots, lazy, kiss-butts, and work-stealers. And they're all "normal" people w/out any formal "issues." And then I've worked with extremely talented and creative people who put out more stuff in a week than those "normal" people do in a year. And if those hugely talented people need a break once in a while, they're still worth keeping.
If someone is creative and does good work, they're definitely worth a few patches of rough here and there. And I hope your employer sees that.
I think your medical isues are your own business, and you don't need to disclose anything upfront. Unless, of course, you're applying to go on the space shuttle and you know you're not in perfect health. :)
But in real life people get sick, they need surgeries, they need time for grieving when loved ones die, they need time off sometimes-- and you deserve time too, when you need it.
I don't know all the details, and I obviously don't know you in real life, but I think you're worth a lot more than you're giving yourself credit for in this post. :)
When you talk about deportation, does that mean back to another country? Why could you not get the treatment you need in the country you're in?
I hope you're doing OK!
take care,
JenStar
Posted by Damos on September 8, 2005, at 1:23:55
In reply to miscommunication, posted by alexandra_k on September 7, 2005, at 22:21:11
Hmm, I spy with my little eye a session that didn't go well.
Alex, I have to agree with basically everything that JenStar said. You've come so far and managed so much with precious little real help and support.
Just had quick look and there is a female therapist who's a member of the ISSD in Deakin.
Maybe, maybe, you, her, there, who knows, but just maybe.
The future is not fact. Are those things possible - honestly, Yes. But are a million and one other things just as equally possible - Absolutely. What's past is past, please don;t let it steal the future too. Don't give up on the chance to be all that you can be. Please.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 8, 2005, at 15:02:51
In reply to Re: miscommunication » alexandra_k, posted by JenStar on September 7, 2005, at 22:58:54
i'm sorry about that... sometimes i just start spinning and then it just kind of runs away with me. in my better moments i see that there isn't any point worrying about this and i can appreciate (really appreciate) what i have a little more. the opportunities i have. and think that i've done okay. am doing okay. but sometimes things just seem to start spinning out of control.
in a real variable place this last week or so... get started with the spinning and then it receeds and then it comes back again...
i can't figure it out.
i actually think... it can't be figured out.
when this is going to happen
why it happens
what sets it off
i've done that many chain analyses of my behaviour...
but they didn't help me figure it out.
because anything you want to put it down to -
can happen and sometimes you are okay
but other times you are not
and why is it okay sometimes but not okay at others?and maybe it is just the topic
just the suggestion that you can make sense of it
that i might be able to predict my moods
that i might be able to control them after all
is so bloody terrifying because if it turns out to be true then ive been winding myself up all these years for no good reason.i don't know.
i'm okay
i'll be okayi don't really understand what is going on
Posted by Damos on September 8, 2005, at 17:20:02
In reply to Re: jenstar - damos, posted by alexandra_k on September 8, 2005, at 15:02:51
And all of that is okay, and however you are is okay too. Maybe sometimes you just try too hard. Sometimes things just aren't able to be neatly explained and understood, and accepting that there doesn't always have to be a reason 'why' can be the hardest thing of all. Accepting what 'is' can be a real bugger.
Love ya kiddo
Hope the day brings you warmth and love and lots of little kindnesses :-)
Posted by muffled on September 8, 2005, at 18:22:56
In reply to Re: jenstar - damos, posted by alexandra_k on September 8, 2005, at 15:02:51
> i'm sorry about that... sometimes i just start spinning and then it just kind of runs away with me. in my better moments i see that there isn't any point worrying about this and i can appreciate (really appreciate) what i have a little more. the opportunities i have. and think that i've done okay. am doing okay. but sometimes things just seem to start spinning out of control.
>> in a real variable place this last week or so... get started with the spinning and then it receeds and then it comes back again...
>
> i can't figure it out.
> i actually think... it can't be figured out.
> when this is going to happen
> why it happens
> what sets it off
> i've done that many chain analyses of my behaviour...
> but they didn't help me figure it out.
> because anything you want to put it down to -
> can happen and sometimes you are okay
> but other times you are not
> and why is it okay sometimes but not okay at others?
>
> and maybe it is just the topic
> just the suggestion that you can make sense of it
> that i might be able to predict my moods
> that i might be able to control them after all
> is so bloody terrifying because if it turns out to be true then ive been winding myself up all these years for no good reason.
>
> i don't know.
>
> i'm okay
> i'll be okay
>
> i don't really understand what is going on
Whoah! You sound like me!? But I noticed something at my last session. My T. was trying to explain how SHE got thru a difficult situation herself very recently, as an example to me. It was interesting to watch her figure it out for herself. The process of the event, the emotions, her response to them etc. She was doing it on the fly and it was so cool cuz she WASN'T perfect at it. She had to work at it. So I FINALLY realized that even the pro's don't just know it all. They feel their way too. They often don't know whats going on right away either. That made me feel ALOT better, cuz I feel like such a fool for not knowing whats going on with my OWN self.I HOPE I will someday. So anyways, I'm trying to absorb these thoughts and not be so hard on myself and not so worried about all the crap that goes on in my dam* head. Sorry this is so LONG. Take care.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 8, 2005, at 18:30:50
In reply to Re: jenstar - damos » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on September 8, 2005, at 17:20:02
I got my period. Hmm. Don't know how much that is of use with respect to an intentional explanation but it is true that i tend to spin at my worst just before i get my period.
hmm.
i feel better now :-)
Posted by alexandra_k on September 8, 2005, at 18:39:27
In reply to Re: jenstar - damos » alexandra_k, posted by muffled on September 8, 2005, at 18:22:56
> Whoah! You sound like me!?
:-)
>But I noticed something at my last session. My T. was trying to explain how SHE got thru a difficult situation herself very recently, as an example to me. It was interesting to watch her figure it out for herself. The process of the event, the emotions, her response to them etc. She was doing it on the fly and it was so cool cuz she WASN'T perfect at it. She had to work at it. So I FINALLY realized that even the pro's don't just know it all. They feel their way too. They often don't know whats going on right away either. That made me feel ALOT better, cuz I feel like such a fool for not knowing whats going on with my OWN self.I HOPE I will someday. So anyways, I'm trying to absorb these thoughts and not be so hard on myself and not so worried about all the crap that goes on in my dam* head. Sorry this is so LONG. Take care.
:-)
Thanks. It is hard... Because what I was worrying about... still stands. It still stands. There is just the point that I want to do the best I can anyways. That it is worth a shot anyways. And to have faith that things have a way of kind of sorting themselves out. And I'll get through and there isn't much point worrying about it when sometimes events just seem to work out okay...And that it really is important to appreciate what i do have. because i complain a fair bit. complain about injustices a fair bit. but there are people worse off than me. and they would have every right to complain about the injustices that give me food when they go without that give me an education when they go without that give me coffee and cigarettes etc etc.
and the best thing you can do... the best thing you can do in the face of all this...
is to appreciate what you have.
and to help others best you can.
to help other people.
i feel good in helping other people
i'm not such a waste of space after all
i helped my flatmate with an essay...
didn't really want to but felt like i should (that it was a nice thing to do that would be good for the both of us)
and we had a pleasant conversation
and i learned about the chinese / indian fighting over tibet
and helped her out with the structure
and its those little things
those little kindnesses
those little things we can do that other people find benefit from derive good feelings from
and even in the worst case when there isn't much good feeling for me...
i can still help other peopleand i'm sorry i've been such a cow lately...
and i need to wake up
and i need to remember this
it is just that sometimes...
i lose it a little :-(
Posted by Damos on September 8, 2005, at 18:57:55
In reply to Re: better today.. » Damos, posted by alexandra_k on September 8, 2005, at 18:30:50
Yup, I think that over time you have proven that to be an absolute fact. Maybe if you've got an organiser or schedule thingy in your phone you could put the dates in so that when you start to feel this way you can just check the date and see if it's close.
Glad you're feeling a bit better :-)
Posted by alexandra_k on September 8, 2005, at 20:35:01
In reply to Re: jenstar - damos, posted by alexandra_k on September 8, 2005, at 15:02:51
> i can't figure it out.
> i actually think... it can't be figured out.
> when this is going to happen
> why it happens
> what sets it offshame on me :-(
it is just that...
the behavioural analyses that my therapists found most satisfying never really satisfied me with respect to explanation, with respect to making sense of the phenomena.they just shuffle the explanandum back one step: and WHY did those factors affect me so significantly then whereas last time they were present in such combination they didn't affect me nearly as much?
or WHY was i able to see it that way last time whereas i was unable to see it that way this time?they couldn't answer me that...
> anything you want to put it down to -
> can happen and sometimes you are okay
> but other times you are not
> and why is it okay sometimes but not okay at others?and thats what i don't get...
why am i more affected sometimes and less affected at other times?
yet the same things are happening...
and it is pointless to say 'it is because you interpreted the significace of those things differently' unless you can say WHY i was able to interpret one way at one time and another way at another time.
because i do see that something is going wrong with my interpretation at times...
but i just can't seem to see it differently.and instead of criticising my interpretation by trying to find the logical errors and co
it isn't about that...
it is about adding more to the picture.
i think...
that most of what i said in my first post still stands...
its just that i need to consider other factors too.like... just having to do my best with what i have
like... other people being more likely to be sympathetic to my situation... especially if i am trying the best i can to get better and be more productive.
like... having faith that things do tend to have a knack of sorting themselves out.
i don't know.
it just doesn't seem so bad anymore...
but i don't know why i can take these points seriously today...
whereas when they occured to me yesterday...
they seemed to lack credability.
> and maybe it is just the topic
> just the suggestion that you can make sense of it
> that i might be able to predict my moods
> that i might be able to control them after all
> is so bloody terrifying because if it turns out to be true then ive been winding myself up all these years for no good reason.hmm. well... shame on me again...
:-(of course i do want to understand...
so long as understanding will help me
the trouble is...
i don't think understanding will help me...
because i think the causes lie on the sub-personal level and that doesn't help with respect to intentional explanation.
or at least the relation between them has to be clarified...so...
i get my period and what?
it just kind of inserts nasty thoughts into my head and stops me taking seriously the other factors?
hmm.
i don't understand how that is supposed to help...but strangely...
it does.
it does help.
because it means it really will pass in a day or two.
strange...
Posted by alexandra_k on September 8, 2005, at 20:38:22
In reply to Re: better today.. » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on September 8, 2005, at 18:57:55
yeah... i should try and keep some sort of record.
or...
better yet i don't think my moods used to vary this much when i was on the pill. major reduction in period related problems.
maybe... it might be worth going back on that...
and it will also get me into a routine of taking medications...
and if i forget there is the nasty consequence of having a period...
so i might be more likely to remember to take it ;-)
and if i can take that regularly...
then i might be able to manage taking my psych meds (the effexor at least) at the same time.hmm.
Posted by gardenergirl on September 8, 2005, at 23:56:07
In reply to Re: better today.. » Damos, posted by alexandra_k on September 8, 2005, at 18:30:50
> I got my period. Hmm. Don't know how much that is of use with respect to an intentional explanation but it is true that i tend to spin at my worst just before i get my period.
I always get much more emotionally sensitive. Every little thing bothers me much more intensely than other times of the month.
Glad you feel better.
gg
>
>
Posted by gardenergirl on September 9, 2005, at 0:01:47
In reply to Re: better today.. » Damos, posted by alexandra_k on September 8, 2005, at 20:38:22
> yeah... i should try and keep some sort of record.
>
> or...
>
> better yet i don't think my moods used to vary this much when i was on the pill. major reduction in period related problems.
>
> maybe... it might be worth going back on that...I've been wondering that myself. It's been a few years, and I can't remember how my moods were then. But it sounds like it's worth a try for you.
>
>
Posted by alexandra_k on September 10, 2005, at 15:51:08
In reply to Re: better today.. » alexandra_k, posted by gardenergirl on September 9, 2005, at 0:01:47
thanks gg.
i wonder... how long it takes to completely restructure your personality... rewire your nervous system. i think they used to think it was possible it was just that it took a really long time
:-(
Posted by alexandra_k on September 11, 2005, at 16:32:47
In reply to Re: better today.. » gardenergirl, posted by alexandra_k on September 10, 2005, at 15:51:08
I'm sorry gg...
:-(
It is just that I wish I was different.
I wish I wasn't set to 'reactive' all the time.
I wish I was able to think BEFORE acting
I wish I was able to experience emotional states without becoming lost in them
I wish I was able to be more dependable, reliable, consistent
I wish I didn't feel so antagonistic
I wish I was more placid and good naturedI wish I had a different personality
A different nervous systemI wish I didn't have to be me anymore :-(
Posted by alexandra_k on September 11, 2005, at 17:10:44
In reply to Re: better today.., posted by alexandra_k on September 11, 2005, at 16:32:47
though that being said all we can really do...
is the best we can with what we have got.
Posted by Damos on September 11, 2005, at 18:12:10
In reply to Re: better today.., posted by alexandra_k on September 11, 2005, at 17:10:44
And you do that. Accepting that 'good enough' is okay is tough...especially when you have such high expectations of yourself.
Posted by Damos on September 11, 2005, at 18:31:21
In reply to Re: better today.., posted by alexandra_k on September 11, 2005, at 16:32:47
But if you weren't you anymore all our worlds would be the poorer. Who else is going to pose the 'Big' questions and hold our hands through the analysis and explanation.
Do you wonder whether the 'reactiveness' is more in you than of you, and that it and the not being able to experience emotional states the way you'd like to is really some form of protective mechanism that has served you well in the past, but that now you want to grow out of - isn't working for you anymore?
When I read your posts to everyone on the things that 'really' matter you are reliable, consistent and dependable, kind, sensitive and supportive.
I think most of us 'want' to be different in one way or another, and I reckon we all struggle with the 'how to' part. No-one expects you to be perfect - except maybe you.
Posted by terrics on September 12, 2005, at 9:49:23
In reply to miscommunication, posted by alexandra_k on September 7, 2005, at 22:21:11
Hi, I don't understand your post so maybe I missed something way back. You seem to be really upset about someone helping you??? Do you think they are going to withdraw their help?? or do you think someone at work will find out that you are sick? If you think they may find out and it is at your job, my advice is not to tell them. The most important thing is for you to feel better. I hope that you feel better. terrics
Posted by alexandra_k on September 14, 2005, at 20:48:23
In reply to Re: miscommunication » alexandra_k, posted by terrics on September 12, 2005, at 9:49:23
hey there. sorry... my posts do get a bit confusing. i should try and make my posts more stand alone rather than like an ongoing saga but it can be hard...
yeah... getting help is a kind of an ongoing saga
and just that issue brings up a lot of stuff for me
yeah... i worry about people finding out about my mental health issues
i keep things pretty quiet and don't feel an obligation to tell them... but... they do find stuff out (especially when i am hospitalised etc)but yeah...
feeling a bit better.
thanks for your response :-)
Posted by muffled on September 15, 2005, at 17:23:08
In reply to Re: miscommunication » terrics, posted by alexandra_k on September 14, 2005, at 20:48:23
Posted by gardenergirl on September 16, 2005, at 8:09:24
In reply to Re: better today.., posted by alexandra_k on September 11, 2005, at 16:32:47
> I'm sorry gg...
> :-(
> It is just that I wish I was different.
> I wish I wasn't set to 'reactive' all the time.
> I wish I was able to think BEFORE acting
> I wish I was able to experience emotional states without becoming lost in them
> I wish I was able to be more dependable, reliable, consistent
> I wish I didn't feel so antagonistic
> I wish I was more placid and good natured
>
> I wish I had a different personality
> A different nervous system
>
> I wish I didn't have to be me anymore :-(I know. That sounds really sad. But I like the you that's not so painful to you. So don't go for a complete re-wiring, 'k? How bout making the non-painful part of you bigger, so that the painful stuff is not so present and right in front of you?
At least that's how my T always frames the outcome of therapy.
((((alexandra))))
gg
Posted by alexandra_k on September 16, 2005, at 22:20:10
In reply to Re: better today.. » alexandra_k, posted by gardenergirl on September 16, 2005, at 8:09:24
> don't go for a complete re-wiring, 'k?don't worry, i could never afford it.
> How bout making the non-painful part of you bigger, so that the painful stuff is not so present and right in front of you?
yeah. i don't know why that is seeming second best to me... i mean, the absence of pain has to be a good thing (pretty much by defintion...)
i know... things won't seem so bad then
and i guess we just have to do the best we can with what we have got.
> At least that's how my T always frames the outcome of therapy.:-)
thanks gg.
((((gg)))))
This is the end of the thread.
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