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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by fairywings on August 20, 2005, at 21:53:48
Once again I haven't posted for awhile. I've been doing a massive cleaning of the house. I've been letting it go because I've just been feeling so paralyzed, and then I feel guilty, and then I feel depressed about not doing it, and then.... well it's a vicious cycle. This week I've gotten SO much done! It's weird though, I usually have trouble letting go of things, and this time, I'm not. I even threw away an entire kitchen trash bag of photos, and a photo album. Is that weird? I feel kind of detached.
Also, I've been so confused and depressed about what happened when I read the book "Homecoming". Since I quit with my last T (almost 3 weeks ago) while I was reading the book, I didn't have anyone to talk to about it, and I've wanted to call to talk to him so badly, but I was afraid he wouldn't talk to me since I quit on him twice, and calling him probably isn't the best thing to do anyway. I don't know if I posted why I quit with him, but at the last appt. he asked me if we had a lot of money and if our house was expensive. I asked him why he asked, and he said because most people complain more about money, have more problems, and because we don't seem to have trouble just going out and spending it. I felt like saying, "you can't even remember how old I am from week to week, but you remember the state of our finances?" (Maybe it's the $5.00 T-shirts I wear every week, I don't know.) I can see where his priorities are. I felt like he let his own issues get in the way of treating me. I wonder if he was trying to piss me off, or if he really wanted to know about our finances.
I miss him a lot, I did like talking to him a lot, I knew I could say anything and he'd be okay with it, even though sometimes I had trouble saying things to him. Then, when he was on vacation, after I'd quit, one of the office staff asked me why my appts with him were so short, and when I didn't say anything, she said, "your appts run at least 10 - 15 min. shorter than any of his other patients." I was so hurt and mad. She was new, but had been there most of the time I'd been working with him. Even though I was hurt and mad, I still miss him, and still wish I could talk to him. I sometimes feel like I'm crying on the inside for him - like that younger part of me is sobbing and depressed. I don't know why.
Anyway, I'm starting with a new T next week. Several weeks ago, (the first time I quit with my ex-T), my p-doc said the guy I'm starting with is good. I hate starting over again, and I'm not comfortable telling him what happened when I read the book. Not until he knows me a little better anyway. It will be really uncomfortable for me because their office doors (new T and ex T) are right across the hall from each other, and the ex T doesn't know I'm starting with new T and vice versa. I know I'll see him, there's no way around it, and I know that will make me really uncomfortable. Any suggestions?
Any pointers for starting all over again? Any pointers for not feeling uncomfortable around the old T? Any pointers for feeling detached and lack of self esteem? If you have ones that work for me, I'll come and do your house too! ; )
fairywings
Posted by FlyingKangaroo on August 20, 2005, at 22:11:55
In reply to Starting over again/Missing my ex-T, posted by fairywings on August 20, 2005, at 21:53:48
I am too new at therapy to offer advice.
I do feel for you though.
((((((((faiywings)))))))))))))))))
Posted by Dinah on August 21, 2005, at 9:39:54
In reply to Starting over again/Missing my ex-T, posted by fairywings on August 20, 2005, at 21:53:48
Your new therapist will have to know, right?
You put your trust in the old one, and really wanted it to work out. But that thing with the time is pretty bad. Did you check it out? Maybe you could ask your new therapist.
I'm sorry your old one violated your trust.
(How long *were* your sessions?)
Posted by Fallsfall on August 21, 2005, at 13:04:24
In reply to Starting over again/Missing my ex-T, posted by fairywings on August 20, 2005, at 21:53:48
I want so badly for you to come clean my house!!!
I quit with my therapist but still see my pdoc whose office is across the hall from hers. I was terrified sitting in the waiting room. So I know how you feel. It has been two years now, and I am OK seeing her now, but it did take a while.
Do you happen to know (or can you find out) what hours your old therapist works? Is it possible to see the new therapist when the old one isn't there? A short term solution might be to arrive a few minutes late, so that old therapist will have already picked up his next client by the time you get there (but don't cheat yourself out of therapy time). Maybe your new therapist has an idea (a different place for you to wait until you feel more comfortable?).
You didn't see the old one for a particularly long time (I saw my old therapist for 8 1/2 years), so he should be OK with that it just didn't feel like a good fit for you. Talk to your new therapist about this, but I think that it is reasonable to expect that your old therapist can take care of himself, and you don't have to feel guilty about taking care of yourself.
When I see her now, she says hi and asks very sincerely how I am. And I can honestly tell her that I'm doing great!
So, will you come clean my house?
Posted by Tamar on August 21, 2005, at 16:50:52
In reply to Starting over again/Missing my ex-T, posted by fairywings on August 20, 2005, at 21:53:48
I’m so sorry things didn’t work out with your ex-T. I can understand why you were angry with him. I think it’s true that a lot of people are particularly stressed about financial matters (particularly people with kids), and it’s often a major source of conflict between couples, so perhaps it’s on your ex-T’s list of things to keep asking about. But there are ways of asking sensitively…
I’m sure you miss him a lot. You put a lot of effort into that relationship, despite your initial misgivings. You put your trust in him, and in many ways he demonstrated that he deserved that trust. And yet, in other ways it seems he let you down. No wonder you’re hurt and angry and missing him all at the same time. I’m really curious about your appointments being shorter than his other patients – and I wonder how long they were. There’s a kind of ‘industry standard’ of about 50 minutes (though it can vary), so if you were only seeing him for 35 or 40 minutes, I’d be curious about why. It doesn’t seem like long enough.
I agree with what others have said about seeing your ex-T in the waiting room: it’s perfectly acceptable for you to come to the decision that your ex-T wasn’t a good fit for you. There’s nothing to be uncomfortable or embarrassed about. If he’s at all professional he won’t take it personally. If you see him, you don’t have to speak to him. Just raise your eyebrows in acknowledgement of his presence. If you do see him he’ll be otherwise occupied, so he shouldn’t be too interested in interrogating you about your reasons for quitting. (And if he does, you could always tell him straight that he made you very angry…) Remember that you are a strong, intelligent woman capable of making your own decisions!
I really hope things work out with your new therapist.
Tamar
Posted by fairywings on August 22, 2005, at 11:09:02
In reply to Re: Starting over again/Missing my ex-T » fairywings, posted by Dinah on August 21, 2005, at 9:39:54
> Your new therapist will have to know, right?
I"m sorry, will have to know what, that I worked with the other one? He will, same office, across the hall - w.in feet of each others offices! bleh! LOL
>
> You put your trust in the old one, and really wanted it to work out. But that thing with the time is pretty bad. Did you check it out? Maybe you could ask your new therapist.He was supposed to have 45 min appts. I knew they were running short. I don't know why I was such an idiot. I'm finally over it. I want to start with someone who will actually help me. I think I have big boundary issues, and I let him walk all over me, like everyone else! Unvortunately, he shouldn't have.
>
> I'm sorry your old one violated your trust.
>
> (How long *were* your sessions?)between 30 min - 45 min.
Fw
Posted by fairywings on August 22, 2005, at 11:15:41
In reply to Re: Starting over again/Missing my ex-T » fairywings, posted by Fallsfall on August 21, 2005, at 13:04:24
LOL, sure, it will be fun to come clean your house, let's do it together! We'll talk, clean, have lunch, clean, play on the computer! clean, have dinner, slumber party! Fun!
Anyway, I read the most awesome book called
"Boundaries: Where You..." by Anne Katherine, and I decided it's just too damned bad if the old T doesn't like it that I'm seeing the new one, it's his problem. He created the problem by crossing the line with me when he asked inappropriate questions, and it's not my responsibility to worry about his feelings. Whew! I feel that way today. I then have to hope the new T won't have any freaking issues with me! LOLLet's clean!
fw
Posted by fairywings on August 22, 2005, at 11:36:33
In reply to Re: Starting over again/Missing my ex-T » fairywings, posted by Tamar on August 21, 2005, at 16:50:52
> I’m so sorry things didn’t work out with your ex-T. I can understand why you were angry with him. I think it’s true that a lot of people are particularly stressed about financial matters (particularly people with kids), and it’s often a major source of conflict between couples, so perhaps it’s on your ex-T’s list of things to keep asking about. But there are ways of asking sensitively…
Hi Tamar, you know he never asked about money b4 that. And he didn't ask if we had money problems, he said, "do you have a lot of $?" And I said no, and he said, "Was your house expensive?" I said why did you ask if we have a lot of $? and he said "it's just that most ppl complain about it more, seem to have more problems" The way I looked at it, why complain to him about $, it's not like he could do anything about it. I think he had financial issues, and let his own problems cloud his ability to treat me. After he said that he made a personal disclosure, and then said "sometimes life just isn't fair." It felt like a slap in the face. Now I'm not hurt, I"m mad. And I'm glad I didn't get a chance to go back, I know it wouldn't have been in my best interest, and I couldn't have fully trusted him.
>
You put your trust in him, and in many ways he demonstrated that he deserved that trust. And yet, in other ways it seems he let you down. No wonder you’re hurt and angry and missing him all at the same time.Yeah, despite it all this is still the way I feel, but I know in my heart and gut that it's worked out for the best.
>>I’m really curious about your appointments being shorter than his other patients – and I wonder how long they were. There’s a kind of ‘industry standard’ of about 50 minutes (though it can vary), so if you were only seeing him for 35 or 40 minutes, I’d be curious about why. It doesn’t seem like long enough.
One appt was 30 min long, one was 45 min., and the rest were 35-40, plus add to that he took two personal phone calls, and why in the heck I ever went back, or miss him just shows how much I need help! LOL And no, I agree, it's not long enough, 50 min should be the shortest. I think he was lazy, and it hurts and makes me mad that my appts were shorter than his other patients. The woman at the desk said some of his appts run 45 some an hour! I'd love to tell him I know that!
>
> I agree with what others have said about seeing your ex-T in the waiting room: it’s perfectly acceptable for you to come to the decision that your ex-T wasn’t a good fit for you. There’s nothing to be uncomfortable or embarrassed about. If he’s at all professional he won’t take it personally. If you see him, you don’t have to speak to him. Just raise your eyebrows in acknowledgement of his presence. If you do see him he’ll be otherwise occupied, so he shouldn’t be too interested in interrogating you about your reasons for quitting. (And if he does, you could always tell him straight that he made you very angry…) Remember that you are a strong, intelligent woman capable of making your own decisions!I'd love to tell him, I don't think he'd ask, but I'd love to tell him he crossed the line with the questions and that I know he was cutting my appts. short. I know I'll see him, but at this point I don't care. It's a step in the right direction for me.
> I really hope things work out with your new therapist.
>
Thanks Tamar
Me too! If it doesn't I don't think I could do this again!
This is the end of the thread.
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