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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by madeline on August 18, 2005, at 18:39:07
I've just got a feeling. We've been going through a rough spot, he said something that I had a real hard time with, he has apologized profusely, but I still am working through it, and now he talking about it being destructive and he doesn't know if we can recover from it.
I know it's tough, but if he terminates me, I just don't know what I'm going to do.
Posted by Pfinstegg on August 18, 2005, at 19:35:04
In reply to I'm afraid my therapist is going to dump me., posted by madeline on August 18, 2005, at 18:39:07
Do you feel comfortable enough to say what happened between the two of you?
Posted by madeline on August 18, 2005, at 19:48:34
In reply to Re: I'm afraid my therapist is going to dump me. » madeline, posted by Pfinstegg on August 18, 2005, at 19:35:04
well, it was pretty innocent, but I just lost it. I have problems with sex. Big problems. He was trying to affirm the fact that sex is a good thing and simply said that sex between the two of us would be good.
Now. Don't freak out, we are never ever ever going to have sex. I know that. He has made that perfectly clear. He is a good therapist, but I totally lost it, I got so scared I almost passed out right there in his office.
I "forgot" the next visit, and we have been working through it for a several months and it has taken awhile for me to sort of sort it all out. I'm still working.
Now he is talking about it being too destructive and that we might not recovery, we will just have to wait and see.
I really really scared and upset.
I've been with him for five years.
Posted by jadah on August 18, 2005, at 20:04:26
In reply to Re: I'm afraid my therapist is going to dump me., posted by madeline on August 18, 2005, at 19:48:34
what do you think he meant by what he said? Knowing that sex would never happen, what were you afraid of? Do you feel violated? What would it take for you to feel safe again? How have you two addressed this issue? Can you be completely honest with him about what you are feeling? Five years is a long time. If you can work through this and feel that the relationship is worth saving then try. Sometimes, we get from someone all that we are going to get and then we need to move on. There might be another T out there that can help you further along on your journey. Be good to yourself.
Posted by Dinah on August 18, 2005, at 20:19:17
In reply to I'm afraid my therapist is going to dump me., posted by madeline on August 18, 2005, at 18:39:07
My therapist always says that we can get through anything as long as we decide we want to.
Have you talked to him about your fear that he might terminate you?
Can you forgive him enough to work with him productively? My therapist took something I said once, and made it icky and sexual. He apologized, saying he was trying to make a point and exaggerated for effect, and he shouldn't have done it in that way. I haven't forgotten exactly. Whenever I say something similar, I preface it with "Now don't make this into something icky, but..."
I know my therapist doesn't want me physically, and I'm reasonably sure he knows I don't want him physically, so the remark was forgiveable.
That was a stupid remark your therapist made. But if he's never been inappropriate in five years, and you don't have any sense that he wishes to be inappropriate, and you don't wish for him to terminate you, it doesn't seem totally insurmountable.
Does it seem insurmountable to you?
My therapist made a few remarks over the years that he wasn't sure therapy had been good for me, or he wasn't sure that he had the skills to help me. I found it very upsetting, but I usually responded by making a compelling case for therapy being good for me, and he being good for me. Can you make a compelling case?
Posted by Joslynn on August 19, 2005, at 11:29:44
In reply to Re: I'm afraid my therapist is going to dump me., posted by madeline on August 18, 2005, at 19:48:34
Please keep in mind that I have a pretty strict philosophy about disclosure boundaries before you read this...
I would freak out if my T said something like that too! (Well, to be honest, it would flatter me and upset me at the same time.)
I think your instincts of feeling strange were right on target. That is just not an appropriate thing to say, in my opinion. In any other scenario, if a man were to say to a woman that sex between him and her would be good, it would be considered inappropriate (unless he was trying to pick her up or he was her boyfriend or something) so I do not understand why is it appropriate in this case?
That said, I don't think that technically he can just suddenly terminate you without lots of advance notice and referring you to someone else.
Did he say he would terminate you because of your reaction (which I believe is completely justified) or that he would terminate because he screwed up?
I think it would be fine for him to say something like "sex between a man and a woman can be good" but not to say between HIM and YOU specifically would be good.
It just seems seductive, even though they are just words. This could all be turned around though if he apologized for his poor choice of words, instead of threatening you with abandonment.
It sounds like he messed up, but instead of owning it and apologizing, he is using termination as a threat?
So then how will you ever feel ok about showing your feelings to him if he will threaten to leave you for showing them??
Or am I missing something else?
Posted by Joslynn on August 19, 2005, at 11:49:03
In reply to Re: I'm afraid my therapist is going to dump me., posted by Joslynn on August 19, 2005, at 11:29:44
I don't think you are the one who did anything wrong. I think that he messed up, and instead of fixing it by apologizing, he is now using termination as a threat, and that doesn't seem right.
If you told the same story, and the result was that he apologized and it didn't happen again, that would be different.
They have so much power...I wish they would use it more judiciously.
Posted by madeline on August 19, 2005, at 17:45:58
In reply to Re: I'm afraid my therapist is going to dump me. » madeline, posted by Dinah on August 18, 2005, at 20:19:17
Well, I called him and we talked about it.
He reassured me that we still have a lot of work to do together and that he wanted to be with me while I go through this sucky therapy thing.
I feel SO much better.
I DO trust my therapist, so he can freak me out by a casual phrase. I hope one day to get more resillient.
M
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