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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kerria on August 18, 2005, at 17:19:10
Hi Everybody,
i've been having so hard a time- my parts are so separated - everything is a confusing mess. There isn't any support at home. T asked me to try to communicate with parts- try to have them write about themselves and gave papers about questions tfor each part to fill out.
A few days ago i allowed a child part to begin the questions. a few pages had child's writing and drawings. It's so so so weird and scary. i don't identify with anything it says at all and it's strange to think it's a part of me. This morning the book and sketchbook were missing and i found that my H had brought it to be donated to a charity. it was so upsetting the he did it and that i had to go and look for it.The work part didn't remember we had therapy until it was too late. There wasn't time to go:(
T wants me to continue writing about parts and trying to communicate. It feels like he doesn't care about me at all- It's so upsetting to see different handwriting and to know about parts. i have no one IRL that's positive towards me- i'm so tired of the strain of managing and my sx are so difficult to manage alone. My T doesn't help enough.
does anyone have any ideas about how to communicate safely with parts? It doesn't feel safe. When i try to communicate by journalling i'm upset and hurt and there's no one to tell that can understand.
T keeps asking me to do it- just as if it were an easy thing- he has no concept how hard it is for me at all. i feel so misunderstood and that no one cares how hurt i am. We're separate for a reason. i can't mess with that- it means living in despair. Why doesn't T know that?
Why doesn't he care?Does anyone here with DID do this kind of work alone-? Let their parts write about their function and jobs in the system. i think my T has no idea how hard it is.
Thanks so much for any help or your thoughts.Feeling so lonely and afraid that i can't get better,
kerria:(`
Posted by cricket on August 18, 2005, at 18:49:18
In reply to Missed appt with T :( Anyone with DID to help?, posted by kerria on August 18, 2005, at 17:19:10
Hi Kerria,
Good to hear from you.
I do have some ideas for you but I'm not in great shape to post about them right now.
I will get back to you.
Hang in there. You're not alone.
(((((Kerria))))
Posted by jadah on August 18, 2005, at 20:21:37
In reply to Missed appt with T :( Anyone with DID to help?, posted by kerria on August 18, 2005, at 17:19:10
Some day Kerria, you will be strong enough to let them go and be whole again. You can do it! I realize this is not an easy task, but I am confident that one day you will be able to do for yourself what they are doing for you now. I know youve had a tough life or you wouldnt have created your alters. You created them when you were younger, at a time when you so despirately needed them. They served their purpose and got you through those horrible times. Today you are in a different place and time. Do they still fill that same purpose for you or are they working against you at this point in your life? I have an excellent book for you to read. It is called First Person Plural, by Camaron ? It is his story of how he found out he had DID and how he worked through integrating over 20 alters. During his recovery he managed to save his marraige and family life and also go on to get his PHD in psychology. He didnt realize he had the dx until midlife when he started losing time... It all stemmed back to his childhood traumas. Has some journal entries in there from different altars. He only focuses on 4 of the 20, the main ones. It is an incredible story with a happy ending. Good book, the only book I have read more than once.
Posted by kerria on August 18, 2005, at 22:50:55
In reply to Re: Missed appt with T :( Anyone with DID to help? » kerria, posted by cricket on August 18, 2005, at 18:49:18
((((((((Cricket))))))))
i'm sorry it so hard for you now.
it's so good to hear from you. i totally understand and hope that everything gets better soon.
Take care,
kerria
Posted by kerria on August 18, 2005, at 23:32:54
In reply to Re: Missed appt with T :( Anyone with DID to help?, posted by jadah on August 18, 2005, at 20:21:37
Hi Jadah,
Yes, i read most of "First Person Plural" by C. West and thought it was good but so confusing for me to follow - i was first dx and switching a lot/ For my parts to read about someone else's parts was so confusing. It also bothered me because my experience is so different. i felt so depressed. Cameron had the perfect therapist who was ALWAYS there for him- mine almost never is. She was always happy to help at any time it seemed. i struggle with my T caring if i live or die. His wife was always supportive and tried to understand DID - not my experience with my h. all the time. It was so discouraging to read because everything is so much more difficult IRL for me. My parts also are not as easy to know or try to begin communication with. We're a bunch of opposites. He had parts that were tough to have but they always listened- i can't get a word through. My T has to talk to them for me.
i brought that book back to the library right away.
It's a good book for people who want to understand about what DID is like in the best case senario.i was left wondering what did i ever do to have this? Everything is so hard and i can't even get anyone to help me :(
oh well.Yes- i do need parts now in order to live becasue my parts are outside- not inside parts. i need to switch into them to go to work, relationships are had by different parts and other activities - church, club a part belongs to, interests, school- are all done by different parts and they don't share information. There's a lot of separateness that T is trying to help because much of my time is lost everyday and everything is a confusing mess right now.
It's so hard to begin. Cameron could just talk to parts- but i can't get through most of the time. only certain parts can talk to each other and the parts that have the main roles in my life are separated.
It's hard to explain and live.
i'm worried that i won't get better because i never heard about anyone as separate as i am. Whenever i went for treatment in a hospital for pple with DID i was always the worst one. My T is very experienced with DID - works in a hospital that treats it and i think i'm the most severe case he's seen also. i'm afraid we won't make it. It's hard coming and having no one understand or identify. i don't know where to start with this project. My H even threw my journal away- gave it to a charity place to resell. He's not very supportive of my struggle to get better .
so different than Cameron's wife. That book should have a warning. It's definately the best case senario. It doesn't always happen like that.Take care,
kerria
Posted by kerria on August 19, 2005, at 10:42:50
In reply to Re: Missed appt with T :( Anyone with DID to help?, posted by kerria on August 18, 2005, at 23:32:54
Feeling so depressed- i'm trying to go to work but it's way too hard. It doesn't feel like i work there. i always have to trust that the work person will come and will know how to do the job.
i'm too angry with myself to go.i hate having this separateness. i don't know how to bridge the gap.
Why can't my T help me with this ?
Am i hopeless- is there not a way to get better when this happens to someone?
i'm suffering so much and no one understands or can help.
The physical pain doesn't help either. i'm so afraid i'll lose the job. Feel so stupid - there's no way to explain why i'm late and i'm too angry with myself for making excuses anymore.
H was so angry with me this morning and it makes things so much worse because there are always parts that take his side against me.\everything is so upsetting/i wish there were a way out that wouldn't hurt my family,
kerria
Posted by jadah on August 19, 2005, at 16:23:31
In reply to Re: Missed appt with T :( Anyone with DID to help?, posted by kerria on August 19, 2005, at 10:42:50
did you have sx before you met your h? Did he know about your dx before he married you? Does he understand the nature of the disorder? Does he try to? Ive always said and believe that ppl are afraid of what they dont understand. Ive also realized that you cant count on people to treat you as good as you treat them (ie. my recent break up with my bf b/c he couldnt deal with my illness... I would never leave someone for that reason, unless it was just affecting me to the point where it is unhealthy. I treat ppl I care about like kings/queens but I dont get it in return. Ive stopped expecting it)Do you have kids? Just curious, I dont remember you ever mentioning...
Posted by kerria on August 19, 2005, at 18:43:29
In reply to Re: Missed appt with T :( Anyone with DID to help?, posted by jadah on August 19, 2005, at 16:23:31
Hi Jadah,Yes, i had trauma and sx when i met him. i was just sixteen and he knew i was always afraid to go home. After we were married in our teens i had a lot of sx that weren't recognized as DID- it was thought i had schizophrenia because i heard voices but i'd go into remission for years at a time. Still he stayed with me through hospitalizations and we have four kids.
about five years ago i found out i had DID and didn't tell him. He found out when i was hospitalized in a trauma unit. He knew all the trouble that i had, though. Sometimes he thinks i have demons and sometimes he's tolerant of treatment for DID. He doesn't like my T at all or want to understand about DID. i gave him "The DID Sourcebook" but he doesn't want to read it. i'm on my own as always. i guess i should be thankful that at least he didn't divorce me.
that would be so hard.
Posted by ed_uk on August 20, 2005, at 16:08:58
In reply to Re: Missed appt with T :( Anyone with DID to help?, posted by kerria on August 19, 2005, at 18:43:29
Dear K,
I just posted a question (new thread) to you on the medication board.
~ed
This is the end of the thread.
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