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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by LG04 on September 22, 2004, at 13:49:52
In reply to Re:Im smiling right now..., posted by LG04 on September 22, 2004, at 1:46:21
P.S. the name of the book is, "the Intimate Hour: Love and Sex in Psychotherapy," author's last name is Bauer
Posted by pinkeye on September 23, 2004, at 13:45:06
In reply to Re:Im smiling right now..., posted by Jadah on September 21, 2004, at 2:28:12
Hi Jadah,
Good to hear that you are all smiling and happy. But I feel going to a new therapist would be the first step. Please try to find someone new and you will be able to resolve all these issues slowly.
Pinkeye.
Posted by Toph on September 24, 2004, at 15:08:40
In reply to Re: my T, posted by Jadah on September 19, 2004, at 6:19:56
Jadah, I don't know how long this thread has existed and I don't always read with the best comprehension, but as I understand it your therapist had sex with you. You have received support on your belief that this is wrong. It is indeed wrong despite any mutual consent the two of you may have had at the time. His actions are unethical and may be crimminal given the conflict of interest and possible deminished capacity you had as his patient. If you become angry someday with what happened you may want to have his license removed as LG04 suggested. I don't know if this occurred in treatment or after, but that shouldn't matter. In my state, for example, a licensed social worker is prohibited from having a sexual relationship within 2 years of working with a client. I strongly suggest that you save evidence of the Monica variety so that you can sue his *ss some day. While making a complaint that will end a therapist's career may be difficult, you should consider that you may not have been his first victim and assuredly you will not be his last.
Posted by Jadah on March 27, 2005, at 15:39:16
In reply to Re: I'm in love with my therapist » Dinah, posted by Pfinstegg on November 20, 2003, at 21:52:38
I am in much need of support. My relationship with my T for the last year has been, as you know, interesting. I have decided to seek out another T and I am going to talk to mine about it. If our relationship continues to be intimate or sexual, well at least I wont be his client. I find myself hiding things from him or not being completely honest. That is not going to help me, I need a therapist. More times than none when we get together we do everything but talk about my issues. I do enjoy him and I do love him and I know he feels the same. If we are to continue any type of relationship it will have to be outside of therapy. I know you all are probably tired of hearing my story and giving me advice, but my decision to find another T is tremendous progress for me. I think in time all else we have will fade away. My experience has been one of mixed emotions and roller coaster rides but I have learned a lot about who I am and what I want. I have also started dating another man, which is also progress, it shows that I am more willing now to work towards independancy from him. I regret nothing. It is another chapter in my so called life, without it... my book could not be nearly as complete. Live, Love, and Learn. Thanks for listening.
Jadah
Posted by Jadah on March 27, 2005, at 15:43:12
In reply to Re: I'm in love with my therapist, posted by Jadah on July 13, 2004, at 19:16:32
For some reason an old message popped up for the july 13th entry instead of the one that I wrote. I am not sure what thread my message went to. Please ignore this july entry as it is old news, alot has changed since I first wrote you that letter. Wish to hear from more of you. If anyone finds my other thread from july 13 please let me know.
Jadah
Posted by gardenergirl on March 27, 2005, at 22:15:45
In reply to Re: lsot message, posted by Jadah on March 27, 2005, at 15:43:12
I'm confused now. I read the post above, about you wanting to find a new T, and I thought, good for her! Is that current, or is that old?
Either way, here for support. It's nice to see you back.
Take care,
gg
Posted by Susan47 on March 28, 2005, at 18:36:03
In reply to Re: I'm in love with my therapist, posted by Jadah on March 27, 2005, at 15:39:16
I think that's really quite wonderful, Jadah. You sound positive and ready to keep moving forward, and you've lived, loved, and learned ... you sound so much stronger and more upbeat than you did last year (was it about this time?). I don't want to upset anybody, but I believe this relationship with your T has been good for him and for you, in that it's helped you both learn. I don't imagine he'll repeat this experience in the future.. I'm sure knowing what's involved will keep him much more grounded and valuable as a therapist. He's been through the mill, too, I'm sure.
Posted by Susan47 on March 28, 2005, at 18:37:58
In reply to Re: lsot message, posted by gardenergirl on March 27, 2005, at 22:15:45
I think it's the current one we're presently being linked to, but from her post itself you can get the version she's talking about. You're right, good for her, if I'm right ...
Posted by LadyBug on April 4, 2005, at 0:21:47
In reply to Re: lsot message » gardenergirl, posted by Susan47 on March 28, 2005, at 18:37:58
Jadah,
I have read all your posts etc. I can relate to the feelings and the rollercoaster. I've seen my T for over 8 years now. I can't have an affair with my T as she is a female and so am I. But the love is familar to me.
I hope you keep writing. You are so brave. I hope this all works out for you. You have what many of us envy or not....... The fantasy.... Love is a fine line of hate. It can be confusing sometimes.
Take care and stay around for strength and support.Chris
Posted by Jadah on April 5, 2005, at 19:54:31
In reply to I'm in love with my therapist, posted by tinydancer on October 10, 2003, at 2:43:19
thank you all for your input. My emotions are all over the place. Today I am angry, scared and sad. I know what I need to do and have been looking into getting a new T. I guess Im kind of picky. I really think I should get a female T, since I have so many issues with men and I dont want my situation to repeat itself. Uuhh, I do love him so. My heart aches. Ive learned to love, but I also got hurt. I will do my best to take everything that he has taught me and apply it to my future relationships. I am dating someone now but I must examine my motives. I dont want him to just be a replacement. I do like this guy though. I do think about my T all the time. Its hard and confusing. He still tells me that he loves me and doesnt want to lose me. He thinks we can work through this. I hope this never happens to anyone else. Please learn from me. Its normal to fanticize about your T sexually, its normal to want to merge with them emotionally and want to be a part of their lives full time, but believe me, its better to just want, to just dream.... Cherish the relationship you have with your T, it is sacred when not taken to the extreme. Maybe tomorrow I will be on the upside of this rollercoaster Im on. For now, I will feel these unwanted feelings and deal with them appropriately. Tomorrow is another day. Thaks again for all of your support. I dont know what I would do without you all!
Jadah
Posted by Jadah on April 5, 2005, at 20:02:50
In reply to Name of book i mentioned, posted by LG04 on September 22, 2004, at 13:49:52
Sorry Im a little behind with the messages, I was without a computer for a long while. I was going back and reading old messages and came across the book you mentioned (LG04). I just checked it out from the library tonight. I will read it and tell you what I thought. Im very sure it will be helpful, and now is a better time than ever to read self help books. Thank you soooo much. Better late than never, right?
jadah
Posted by pinkeye on April 6, 2005, at 13:07:45
In reply to Re: so confused, posted by Jadah on April 5, 2005, at 19:54:31
Well Jadah, I have always been one to support your relationship with your T. I have always said do what you have to do - even if it means continuing the relationship with your T.
But now I am thinking it is not good for you anymore to continue this. It is time to let go and move on. I think you have gone through a full cycle - attracted, and got involved, and healed, and stopped the sexual relationship and started dating other people. Maybe it is just time to let go of this T and fully move on.
Posted by bird in the sky on August 15, 2005, at 20:51:30
In reply to Re: so confused, posted by Jadah on April 5, 2005, at 19:54:31
I am a very late comer, as i just put "in love with my therapist" in a search engine and found this place recently. It has been helpful to me to read some of you guys' experiences on being in love with your therapist. I am at this point in love with mine for about 14 months and wishing i could have an affair. What is this thing love? isnt there another word for it? I dont want to have him instead of my husband but yet i think about him all the time or feel he is with me somehow, in my breath. I have a lot of good things in my life but i look forward to my sessions more than anything. i know you guys will probably think, oh no not again. Didn't she learn from reading Jadah's heartaches? i guess not... sorry
Posted by jadah on August 16, 2005, at 17:46:35
In reply to Re: so confused » Jadah, posted by bird in the sky on August 15, 2005, at 20:51:30
boy, does your post bring back memories. your infatuation is normal and it is possible to love or "be in love" with more than one person at a time. I know the heartache of always wondering and wanting more from your T. My case is unusual. My affair did relieve much of my yearning and wondering but it also left me unsatisfied. The more he gave the more I wanted. I still hurt. He still takes up most of my thoughts and most of my heart. I hate thinking of him with his wife and kids, b/c i wish it was me. It kills me. It is interfering with my life and my relationship with my boyfriend. I often wonder if I will ever be able to give myself fully to another man in the same way that I have with my T. There are many times when I wish I could go back and still idolize him, still fantasize, still wonder.... Now its just like a game, only I know that in the end I will be the one to lose. I hate him sometimes for crossing the line, for giving me more only to take it away in the end. When it all comes down to it, he is just another man who will hurt and abandon me. This cant go on forever, he will never leave his wife for me. It sucks feeling second best. Get what needs you can get met from your T. Take it, learn from it then apply it (to your well being and your relationship with your husband). My goal is to be able to walk away from this relationship knowing that Im worthy of being loved, that loving someone else is worthwhile and rewarding, that I can overcome my past abuse issues- not all men will hurt me nor do I have to crawl out of my skin every time i am touched, intimacy if fabulous and meant to be shared, that i could stay present and enjoy the moment.... and so on. I say these things b/c everything that I once thought bad or unclean has been purified by my experience with my T. Not saying you should seek this out, but that whatever you are given by this mesmerizing T, run with it, tuck it away, and when youre able, use it all to tear down your walls and add to your fire. Although you want to merge with this T, you are your own person, just as you were before you met him. You can stand on your own aside from this person. Obsessing about your T will only make you feel worse. Instead of focusing on what you want from this person, focus on what can realistically be given to you. Some things are meant to remain unkown. Think about why he makes you feel so special and seek that out in your relationships. Hes just a person like you and I, you must try to see him in this way and take him off the pedestal. Dont know if I am making any sense. Here is something I wrote to anyone who feels the way you do. I understand your wanting MORE from your T but trust me, along with the good comes the bad. You really see the humanness in them. Taking them off of the pedistal that you have thim on.... it can be disappointing to see their flaws, bad habits, their mood swings, their anger.... it really changes your view of them to realize that they are not perfect like you imagined. The more I learn about his personal life, the more I wish I wouldnt have asked. I kinda miss that "perfect" person, the one who could do no wrong. Sexually, he is everything I thought he would be. Personally.... what can I say... hes no different than anyone else I know thats human :0 I am facing much hurt. I dont regret anything but the pain, I think will be alot worse than if I had just stuck to my fantasies and always wondered and only ached to find out. Their are alot of negatives attached to this. One day, friends or not, I will lose him. I hope I dont lose myself in the process.
Posted by bird in the sky on August 18, 2005, at 10:43:28
In reply to Re: bird in the sky, posted by jadah on August 16, 2005, at 17:46:35
I sure do appreciate you sharing with me all you have learned, jadah. i have read over what you have said many times and will continue to. Each sentence has something to consider, esp coming from 1 who has been there and with so much feeling. A few times i have been overcome with emotion and love i have tried to hug him, but his expression changes from happy and sweet to kinda mad. I know he really likes me too but i guess he is real serious when it comes to the rules. He is much older than i and i am not unattractive so it seems like he at least would like a hug. i would give anything to be able to feel his body against mine, even thru clothes. Now since i did this, it seems like he is punishing me. closing off hismself a bit and saying 2 weeks is soon enough to see him. I want to see him a lot more, but when i do i get too worked up for about a week, then it tapers off a bit. It's not just a sexual horniness, i come often enough to satisfy that. It's a lot more. and it hurts but feels so good. thanks for your support.
Posted by Susan47 on August 20, 2005, at 11:10:00
In reply to Re: bird in the sky, posted by jadah on August 16, 2005, at 17:46:35
I hope you don't lose yourself in the process either, Jadah. It's harder than anything I can imagine to fall in love with someone you can't have.. then to be intimate and still not have him ... but you could if he really wanted to.. you know you don't really want to, I think, maybe because his wife and children will never really go away, they'll always be there even if he were with you. I think maybe there's a lot to be said for faithful marriage partnerships that last for decades. It avoids an incredible amount of pain and suffering.. for the person who's outside that relationship.. it isn't fair for him to have had an affair with you .. I hurt for you so much, the same as I hurt for any person going through this ... at least you see his flaws, his tempers, and you have an opportunity to dislike those things, that is a good thing. You need to see yourself as whole, apart from him, a whole woman with everything to offer to herself, to life, to a deserving other.
I hope your health will improve. Try to think good, positive thoughts. We're here for you albeit far away in distance, not in heart.
Posted by bird in the sky on August 23, 2005, at 18:42:42
In reply to Re: bird in the sky, posted by jadah on August 16, 2005, at 17:46:35
It's so hard to leave. It's so hard to know it will be a week or 2 or 3 before seeing him again. It's so hard to think that my loved ones think i should be "wrapping this up" and ending my therapy. It's so hard to face the fact how dependant i have become. I feel like my thrapist and i are hardly seperate, yet have to be, except for that one hour. i feel when we are apart he is here with me in my breath, coming inside me like the lover i know he will never be. it seems as if i could put my chest against his he would understand. Our breath and hearts could be closer in reality like i actually feel them to be. When i leave and he shuts the door it feels as if i am disolving, and well i should. So that i could become the air that he breathes, going into every cell of his body as he has in mine. It takes days to bring myself back together more into reality, more able to spend more of each waking hour not fantasizing or just feeling these strong feelings. Feelings i call Love. I wish there was another word. I do realize our hearts are seperate and our breath is not the same, i'm not crazy! But that's not how it feels...
Posted by Susan47 on August 24, 2005, at 0:49:46
In reply to Re:my love for T. » jadah, posted by bird in the sky on August 23, 2005, at 18:42:42
I know and yet I don't know. Because I've felt the same way about this ex-T, I do feel that way still, at times ... but I don't see the difference between what you're feeling and what I'm feeling.. yet you've been physical with yours .. and I'm wondering whether you really did get emotionally close, or whether this is all part of a fantasy, a fantasy of loving your own self and seeing it projected in him .. the loved one. The Love Object .. that's what my therapist has been .. and a subject, also, of my worst fears and feelings about the male gender .. but incredibly, too, I held out hope. That was lovely.
I don't know if I'll ever feel that way again.
I hope, if it ever happens, it's reciprocated.
Because having been here, I never want to do this again.
And I never, ever will.
No matter what.
Posted by Susan47 on August 24, 2005, at 1:57:03
In reply to Re:my love for T. » jadah, posted by bird in the sky on August 23, 2005, at 18:42:42
I was wrong you weren't physical.. but I'm thinking the feeling you have, and I had, at one time too, is about transference but I'm not sure if that's right.. because it seems to be more about attaching ourselves to someone we've made a love object out of. It's more about our own insecure boundaries, about wanting this person so much because maybe what we're actually wanting is someone to help us be complete.
It's as if, for me, something is missing of myself, some part of me always feels vulnerable and alone, and very tortured too.. and this man felt so safe and warm and wonderful, and I was so attracted to him on so many levels, that I just didn't even have to try to love him, it just naturally occurred .. and my boundaries are so open that I psychotically attached somehow. I don't know, that kind of feels like how it was. Strangely enough, though, I have to say that I LOVED the feeling of loving attachment, yet it caused me a great deal of pain as well, as I knew it was only I who felt that way, it was a symptom of my poor emotional condition and nothing more, really it was all in my head, the reality was mine but it could be shattered at any time.. and it often was, but I made it happen for myself again and again and again, because I absolutely felt so unbelievably low, so sick inside, if I didn't have the feeling that he was in my life and he would stay in it because.. I wanted him to love me, which I knew was stupid and I wasn't up to snuff in any case.. I just wasn't developed properly in too many ways.
That was a bad, bad feeling.
And I still get it sometimes, and I know I'm not loved back, because it wouldn't be healthy to feel that way about someone like me ... and that's okay, I just can't make it so that I feel any less of a person.
I loved loving him. I still do. And I love to look at him, and part of me is missing on the days I don't see him... which are all of them. One day, I hope this feeling of loss is no longer with me. The worst times are the hours near dusk; maybe I'm realizing that another day has been lived without him, I don't know what it is but I miss him so much at that time of day I could just die from the feeling. I want him near me, I want him touching me, I want him looking into my eyes and smiling, and wanting more of me as I want more of him.. I want not to be afraid of him. I want to be me, the real me, the me he'll never see. God, it hurts.
Posted by bird in the sky on September 17, 2005, at 23:14:16
In reply to Re:my love for T. » bird in the sky, posted by Susan47 on August 24, 2005, at 1:57:03
i love him too much... If there was something else to call this intense feeling, believe me, i would! I have never been one to be hot for somebody, except my husband. I don't mean to sound like a goody goody, but that's the way i see it. I used to get physically ill from sex or touching and then seemed to get over that pretty much when i was turned on to sex with a young woman around my age at the time. I had some physical sensations when noticing other people, which may have been sexual, but i didn't realize it at the time. Now, since i am finally realizing and understanding my sexuality (with the help of my therapist in talk sessions) i have become oversexed towards my therapist. It happened before i started understanding my sexuality and i called it love. I still do, but i am also so horny for him i can't get over it. Nothing seems to satisfy me. I usually always masturbate before i go to see him, or else i would be a nervous fool. Even so, i get real excited and i hardly get over it. Even right after great sex or coming on my own, if i think of him my heart speeds up and, well, you know the rest. Now i know what Mick Jagger was talkin' abuot. (no satisfaction!) whattammi gonnadooooo?
Posted by Susan47 on September 18, 2005, at 13:07:12
In reply to Re:my love for T., posted by bird in the sky on September 17, 2005, at 23:14:16
Good question. Ride it out (sorry for the pun, it wasn't orginally intended but it's funny how the brain works faster than the consciousness grasps, a lot of the time.. what we think is coincidental, probably isn't.. our brains get used the right way but we have to learn the art and science of retrieval.. o man, Susan, you'll do anything to forget this guy, won't you... including being stoned every waking minute that you're not asleep or at work ... because you just can't live without him there, the ability to conjure this beautiful man C up in your mind is so much greater when stoned ... this has completely brought out your addiction to feeling good, feeling fabulous, feeling Loved.. and if his cold-seeming little wife isn't taking advantage of what this man is capable of, it's a Sin, like living in the garden of eden and sitting on a rock (did it have rocks??) in the dark corner the whole time ...)
Yes, Ride It Out, Lovey, it's the only thing to do. Rent porn, even, get yourself to a point where you can come in five minutes just by watching or thinking about sex, but OH I don't envy you hon', because the fact is if you're anything like me just even seeing him at a distance, even just that will be intensely exciting and lovely and addictive and no way, I have no WAY to satisfy that addiction, none at all, he's completely out, OUT and it is really a bit depressing, that ... but you, oh you lucky, LUCKY girl, you get to see this man for therapy, he's still sitting there looking at you and listening and talking to you and laughing, maybe, and shaking your hand even, at the end.. real, warm skin to remember, you have that ...
I have no good advice for your condition.
Posted by Tamar on September 19, 2005, at 10:49:37
In reply to Re:my love for T., posted by bird in the sky on September 17, 2005, at 23:14:16
Ahhh, it’s hard, isn’t it? I remember the feeling very well. In fact, I still feel it sometimes, and I haven’t seen my therapist in six months. I suppose one thing you can do is enjoy the horniness! But it can be so frustrating as well…
Have you talked to him about it? I discovered that some of the fantasies I had about my therapist were closely connected to the problems we were working on. When I realised the connections it made the fantasies more bearable.
From what I’ve heard, talking about it therapy does help to get it in perspective (though I have to admit I never talked about it directly; I just dropped enormous hints and hoped he would pick up on it).
If you’ve told him, I think the best thing is to keep talking about it.
If you haven’t told him… do you think you can?
One other thing… I was wondering whether your masturbating before a session might actually increase your desire for him rather than taking the edge off it. If it were me, I think I would be in a worse state if I went in there all post-orgasmic. But that’s just my perspective; you know yourself best!
Tamar
Posted by bird in the sky on September 19, 2005, at 13:20:36
In reply to Re:my love for T. » bird in the sky, posted by Tamar on September 19, 2005, at 10:49:37
I have this bad habit. I wonder if anyone else does. Probably not. I sometimes feel real horny and desirous of some connection. That's the best way i can explain it now. I masturbate and then when almost to come i call someone up (hopefully a recording) and let them hear me come. Sometimes i do it crying instead of coming. It's a bad habit i know, and i'm trying to break it. I have already told 2 people that i am the one that had been calling because it really seemed to bother them that they didn't know who i was. Luckily they didn't have me arrested or tell my husband. Now that i am seemingly oversexed i have this desire all the time and am hardly able to control it. I know i am going to get responses from you guys like "you had better control it! " or something along those lines, but what i really want to know, is whether anyone else has ever done this? bird
Posted by Tamar on September 19, 2005, at 17:23:50
In reply to Re:my love for T., posted by bird in the sky on September 19, 2005, at 13:20:36
> I have this bad habit. I wonder if anyone else does. Probably not. I sometimes feel real horny and desirous of some connection. That's the best way i can explain it now. I masturbate and then when almost to come i call someone up (hopefully a recording) and let them hear me come. Sometimes i do it crying instead of coming. It's a bad habit i know, and i'm trying to break it. I have already told 2 people that i am the one that had been calling because it really seemed to bother them that they didn't know who i was. Luckily they didn't have me arrested or tell my husband. Now that i am seemingly oversexed i have this desire all the time and am hardly able to control it. I know i am going to get responses from you guys like "you had better control it! " or something along those lines, but what i really want to know, is whether anyone else has ever done this? bird
I haven’t done the thing you describe, though I have done plenty of sexual things I’m not very proud of!
It does sound like it’s become a habit, and maybe one you might think about dealing with, because one day someone might tell your husband… I can imagine that people would be a bit freaked out by it. It wouldn’t bother me if one of my friends did it to me, but if I didn’t know who was calling that would freak me out. I guess I would assume someone was stalking me or something.
I don’t know a lot about breaking sexual habits, but a technique that might work is to focus on a new and different fantasy that doesn’t involve phoning someone just before you come. It could be anything you like (possibly involving a picture of your therapist, if you have a picture), but ideally do it in a room without a phone and leave your cell phone in another room. You might need to plan it because otherwise you might be tempted to revert to your bad habit. And I would suggest you do it fairly regularly until the new fantasy replaces the old one.
I know the feeling of being overcome with desire; I went through that about a year ago. It’s a bit frightening sometimes; you don’t always feel in control. I talked a bit about it to my therapist in fairly general terms and he was very helpful. It was quite a relief to talk about it; he didn’t run screaming from the room and he didn’t act as if I was a pervert. After a while it settled down: I don’t feel constantly horny any more, and when I do feel horny I feel much more comfortable about it.
Good luck.
Tamar
Posted by Susan47 on September 20, 2005, at 19:20:46
In reply to Re:my love for T. » bird in the sky, posted by Tamar on September 19, 2005, at 10:49:37
Going in there with a glow on in addition to my usual feelings about my therapist, would've made for some very interesting sessions indeed :-))
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