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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by daisym on August 7, 2005, at 1:39:22
This was an important chapter for me because I think it describes very accurately the way I think about my therapy. Not that I want my therapist to be my mom, (OK, well sometimes) but more about the developmental stages I seem to be going through with him. I know that Lott indicates that infant development research has shown that separation into self isn't a long drawn out painful process for infants like we once believed it to be. But I would argue that it isn't the development of the whole child that we revisit as adults but rather our emotional growth and the safety. The tasks of infancy involve so many different aspects: physical, spatial relations, even brain growth. The tasks of adult emotional growth seem to me to only involve this one area...which is probably why it feels so HUGE and like such a monumental undertaking. There aren't these other developmental tasks to accomplish and feel good about.
So many things about this chapter resonate with me. The idea of "emotional object constancy" and the internalization of mother reminds me of what I'm trying to do with my therapist. We call it "therapist permanence" because I have such a hard time holding onto our connection and believing that it is OK for him to worry about me between sessions and it is OK for me to hear him in my head sometimes. And when she talked about merging and separating. I think this is something we are working on as well. It feels scary but good to allow myself to merge with him but drawing back is painful and leaves this void that is excruciatingly lonely.
I also identified with leaving something in the office. I still feel stupidly happy that the box I gave him for Christmas is sitting on his desk.
Posted by LadyBug on August 7, 2005, at 21:07:43
In reply to In Session: Chapter 8 - Mothers Lost and Found, posted by daisym on August 7, 2005, at 1:39:22
This chapter is the one that made me interested in buying the book when it first came out. I could relate to so much of it and it helped me realize that my feelings of love and longing for my therapist were pretty normal. I had a hard time understanding them but this chapter talked to me. My mom is bipolar and therefore she wasn't reliable for me. My therapist has tried to be reliable and consistant with me. I've struggled with my attachment to my therapist. I tell myself this isn't a real relationship and it can never be anything outside this office. My attachment has been frustrating to me. It makes me afraid of loving her and having to tell her goodbye in the end. But I do love her! Why should I have my heart professionally broken??? I have my therapist in my mind all the time. I think about her more than anything else in my life. That get's overwhelming at times. In the beginning of my therapy with her I wanted to know where she was going if she ever went away. I feared abandonment. I want to know that she is thinking about me between sessions. At times I've had to make sure of it by calling her and leaving her a message or by sending her a note. I've been so afraid to love because I don't want to be hurt. I can't seem to get through it. It's the hardest part for me.
My Mom never, ever hugged me or said I love you. That hurt who I am inside.
Good chapter!! Great book!!! I'm so glad Lott wrote this book!! Now I just wish she'd write another one!! And I could graduate from therapy!! In one peace and be happy.
LadyBug
Posted by LauraBeane on August 8, 2005, at 9:45:00
In reply to Re: In Session: Chapter 8 - Mothers Lost and Found » daisym, posted by LadyBug on August 7, 2005, at 21:07:43
Hi there, my mom is also bipolar and I just want to tell you that I relate very strongly to everything you say. The whole attachment thing is just torture. I don't want to be too dependent on my T or on anyone, I know too well where that road can lead. Yet I am attached to him in spite of myself and the intensity of my feelings scare me. I have shared them a little with him and I think this has made him quite wary of me. So I am fighting it, fighting it, fighting it by myself, which doesn't seem quite right.
I hope to read this book one of these days. So far my desire to read it and the $$ to buy it keep happening at different times, if you know what I mean! (Another product of having a bipolar parent is my inability to keep to a budget, having never seen how it's done.)
I'm so sorry your mom never hugged you or said I love you. You and I know that the issues bipolars face are immense, but as children we didn't know what our bipolar parents were struggling with. We thought that that world was the normal world. It was not, it is really so much better than that. You deserved to hear I love you and you deserved to feel secure. Anyway, you're not alone. I've been there too.
Take care,
LB
> This chapter is the one that made me interested in buying the book when it first came out. I could relate to so much of it and it helped me realize that my feelings of love and longing for my therapist were pretty normal. I had a hard time understanding them but this chapter talked to me. My mom is bipolar and therefore she wasn't reliable for me. My therapist has tried to be reliable and consistant with me. I've struggled with my attachment to my therapist. I tell myself this isn't a real relationship and it can never be anything outside this office. My attachment has been frustrating to me. It makes me afraid of loving her and having to tell her goodbye in the end. But I do love her! Why should I have my heart professionally broken??? I have my therapist in my mind all the time. I think about her more than anything else in my life. That get's overwhelming at times. In the beginning of my therapy with her I wanted to know where she was going if she ever went away. I feared abandonment. I want to know that she is thinking about me between sessions. At times I've had to make sure of it by calling her and leaving her a message or by sending her a note. I've been so afraid to love because I don't want to be hurt. I can't seem to get through it. It's the hardest part for me.
> My Mom never, ever hugged me or said I love you. That hurt who I am inside.
> Good chapter!! Great book!!! I'm so glad Lott wrote this book!! Now I just wish she'd write another one!! And I could graduate from therapy!! In one peace and be happy.
> LadyBug
Posted by rayww on August 8, 2005, at 10:14:05
In reply to In Session: Chapter 8 - Mothers Lost and Found, posted by daisym on August 7, 2005, at 1:39:22
You mean there is an explanation for when a friendship suddenly without warning changes into an attraction? You start transferring feelings for your dead father, or your husband onto this other person. It just happens out of the blue, no warning nothing. This happened over and over until I was finally willing to process my father's death. Grief truly is a monster. Or, did I justify what was happening by trying to blame it on my grief? I'll never know.
Posted by LadyBug on August 8, 2005, at 13:06:40
In reply to Re: In Session: Chapter 8 - Mothers Lost and Found » LadyBug, posted by LauraBeane on August 8, 2005, at 9:45:00
It is nice to know there is someone that understands what it's like to have a parent that is bipolar. My mom had 5 kids and with each one she got worse, I was number 4 and she had a breakdown when I was born. I know that's why I struggle so much with feeling loved and wanting to love someone.
LadyBug
Posted by fallsfall on August 8, 2005, at 18:59:20
In reply to Re: In Session: Chapter 8 - Mothers Lost and Found » LadyBug, posted by LauraBeane on August 8, 2005, at 9:45:00
Go to the Public Library in your town and see if they have "In Session". If they don't ask if they can Interlibrary Loan it for you (borrow it from another library).
Posted by LauraBeane on August 8, 2005, at 21:53:10
In reply to Re: In Session: Chapter 8 - Mothers Lost and Found » LauraBeane, posted by fallsfall on August 8, 2005, at 18:59:20
Right, well of course the library is generally my first choice. It didn't come up when I searched. I kind of thought all the libraries would be linked to the one search engine but who knows. I've not lived here for all that long, I really need to ask.
It's not a pricey book. I just have to resist Amazon's "and for only X more you get free shipping..." Like the free shipping doesn't cost! No big deal, though.
Thanks,
LB
Posted by LauraBeane on August 8, 2005, at 22:05:13
In reply to Re: In Session: Chapter 8 - Mothers Lost and Found » LauraBeane, posted by LadyBug on August 8, 2005, at 13:06:40
Yeah, my mom also got worse when my brother was born and I think she was better with me than she was with him. But it took a toll on both of us. Sorry you had to deal with it too.
It makes me glad I grew up, as tough as that is too at times! But better than before.
LB
> It is nice to know there is someone that understands what it's like to have a parent that is bipolar. My mom had 5 kids and with each one she got worse, I was number 4 and she had a breakdown when I was born. I know that's why I struggle so much with feeling loved and wanting to love someone.
> LadyBug
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