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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Deneb on July 15, 2005, at 20:45:23
Is it possible to develop a borderline personality because of lack of punishment/discipline while growing up? I've never really been abused, so it is weird that I'm so screwed up sometimes. I do know that I'm not used to having rules in the house.
I was a good girl in school because of my social anxiety.
I'm not used to being punished and I go almost insane with horrible feelings when I get punished. Am I just super spoiled?
I remember the first time I got detention, I wanted to ___ myself really badly. I couldn't stop crying. It felt soooo horrible.
Am I really really immature? I think I over-react to things that others don't consider that important. I almost ___ed myself by __ing to avoid failing an exam.
I remember as a child I cried in bed for days and days and just wanted to die because I was jealous that my sister got to see a certain box and I didn't. I was just obsessed with not having seen that box (I was pretty little then). My sister saw it and I didn't...it wasn't fair. I was soooo upset.
Actually, I was upset for a very long time. I still remember it and I'm sad I didn't see that box. :-(
Deneb
Posted by Jen Star on July 15, 2005, at 21:23:23
In reply to Lack of punishment/discipline growing up, posted by Deneb on July 15, 2005, at 20:45:23
hi Deneb,
I think some people are just born with certain traits, and they can develop more or less strongly depending on the circumstances. It sounds to me that you had certain tendencies even when little, so it was probably not CAUSED by your family, it was just "in you." It sounds like you have a great desire to do well, to perform well, and to belong to a group. You seem to get very sad and desolate when you don't meet a goal you've set, and you equate setbacks with complete failure. You may be impatient with yourself. These things may just be the way you are, and they probably help drive you to perfection! :)It's possible that those times you felt like ___ yourself, what you actually wanted to do was not to die, but to wipe out the failure, to drive out the imperfections. And your mind wasn't sure how to separate the two things, so you focused on the ___ part. It wasn't so much a desire to cease existence but a desire to be better than you were. Hopefully that's why you never acted on your desperate feelings, anyway.
I don't think you're spoiled at all! It sounds like you just really, really want to do well at everything, and to be nice and kind to everyone, and just to be GOOD all the time. Maybe that's why you get upset so strongly when things DON'T go perfectly.
I think it's OK to give yourself permission to be average, to be normal. It's OK to enjoy life even if it's not perfect. :)
I'm sorry about the box. I know stuff in childhood resonates far into the years! Did you ever get to see it?
I'm sorry if all my "armchair analysis" is way off base. I just see you as a really cool, nice person. I hate to see you being hard on yourself. :)
JenStar
Posted by Dinah on July 16, 2005, at 8:17:40
In reply to Lack of punishment/discipline growing up, posted by Deneb on July 15, 2005, at 20:45:23
You might want to read Marsha Linehan's books on Borderline Personality Disorder. Her theory is that it's caused by an inborn reactive disposition with easy arousal and slow return to baseline coupled with an invalidating environment.
I especially recommend:
"Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder"
"Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder"
Not only do they contain her speculations on the cause of Borderline Personality Disorder, but they also take a very compassionate approach to the disorder that might help you feel more compassion for yourself. And they contain descriptions of Dialectical Behavior Therapy, a treatment that has proven to be excellent for the disorder, and would probably be helpful for anyone suffering from emaotional reactivity.
Posted by Deneb on July 16, 2005, at 18:29:22
In reply to Re: Lack of punishment/discipline growing up » Deneb, posted by Jen Star on July 15, 2005, at 21:23:23
> hi Deneb,
> I think some people are just born with certain traits, and they can develop more or less strongly depending on the circumstances.Does this suggest that my "disorder" is more a result of nature rather than nurture??
I have no idea whether this is relevant (probably not), but I was an extremely fussy baby...not like my sister, who was able to sleep peacefully.
It would be interesting to see to what degree the temperments we are born with affects our personalilties as we age.
> ...You may be impatient with yourself. These things may just be the way you are, and they probably help drive you to perfection! :)
My p-doc told me that I should not be so hard on myself.
>
> It's possible that those times you felt like ___ yourself, what you actually wanted to do was not to die, but to wipe out the failure, to drive out the imperfections. And your mind wasn't sure how to separate the two things, so you focused on the ___ part. It wasn't so much a desire to cease existence but a desire to be better than you were. Hopefully that's why you never acted on your desperate feelings, anyway.When I'm desperate, I don't know what to do. I feel like...like...I CAN'T STAND IT!...Like I have to ___ because I cannot stand it. Your explanations make a lot of sense. Probably one of the reasons why my p-doc believes that I won't kill myself is because I still want to achieve things etc. I think the greater danger is killing myself accidentally.
> I'm sorry about the box. I know stuff in childhood resonates far into the years! Did you ever get to see it?
No, I never got to see it...it got thrown away. I'm over the box thing now but I still remember the hurt it caused. I don't think it was the actual box I was so upset over. I think I was actually upset at what the box represented. It represented the time my sister and my Mom got to spend together without me. They had lots of fun without me and I was upset. I wanted to be a part of it too.
I had lots of very intense feelings as a little kid, but nobody understood me. :-(
Thanks JenStar for listening
Deneb
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