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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by crushedout on July 13, 2005, at 22:33:04
I just posted this on social because i thought it was going to be a social thread but now that i realize it actually belongs on this board.
I can totally relate to stuff I've read here lately about not wanting to grow up, or wanting to be little again, wanting to be on a lap, be held, feel safe. I've been longing for it so badly for so long. I don't know how we really ever get over this. I want a mommy.
I also really want a partner. I'm not sure whether I want my partner (if and when I ever might find one) to be my mommy. Right now I think that's sort of what I want, but that doesn't seem healthy. I'm only really drawn to women in their mid-forties, kind of pretty, showing a little age, some imperfection, kind, with a nice smile and glasses.
Somehow, my therapists always seem to end up fitting the bill. Not sure if they shape the bill or the bill shapes them, if that makes any sense. I just want to sit on my therapist's lap tomorrow, and nestle my head between her shoulder and her face, against her neck. Maybe nuzzle her a little. But I would crush her. I'm too big. Why couldn't I have been born a kitty or a lap dog? They get to love and nuzzle anyone they like all their lives, and no one ever says, "Hey, doggy! Aren't you kind of big to be wanting love??? Go act your age!" No. They just pet them and talk goofy talk at them and give them snacks under the table.
I need a really good wife.
Posted by muffled on July 13, 2005, at 23:48:47
In reply to I actually really, really, really want some love, posted by crushedout on July 13, 2005, at 22:33:04
Yeah, don't we all. Where is it? Even if I found it I don't think i could accept it cuz then i might cry, and that would be the end of the world.
Posted by LadyBug on July 14, 2005, at 0:06:02
In reply to I actually really, really, really want some love, posted by crushedout on July 13, 2005, at 22:33:04
I've wanted to be loved for so long too. It has been so hard and painful. I'm married but it still isn't enough for me. I didn't get the love I needed as a child so it has always been a longing for me. I've tried to be nurtured through therapy. It has worked for me but has taken us 8 1/2 years of hard work. I'm glad to have had a T. that understood my needs. She said, love doesn't heal and for a long time I thought she was nuts but I had to learn to love myself first.
I hope you get what you need soon and it feels right for you.
Hugs
LadyBug
Posted by crushedout on July 14, 2005, at 0:13:43
In reply to Re: I actually really, really, really want some lo » crushedout, posted by LadyBug on July 14, 2005, at 0:06:02
thanks, ladybug. she said "love *doesn't* heal"? i'm confused.
Posted by Dinah on July 14, 2005, at 8:07:23
In reply to Re: I actually really, really, really want some lo » LadyBug, posted by crushedout on July 14, 2005, at 0:13:43
Love, by itself, doesn't heal maybe?
I think that's ever so common, Crushed. To be loved for who we are. To be looked at like Grandpa looked at Grandma. I don't think it's all that common, but it's what makes the story of Luke and Laura (before they screwed it up) so very powerful. Everyone wants to be loved like Luke loves Laura.
I'm married to a good man, who cares about me and will always take care of me, and who is a fine man of integrity, brilliant and responsible and funny. But he doesn't love me that way. He thinks I'm a foolish child he has to discipline and take care of. He thinks if he lets up on me, everything will go to heck.
I want to be looked at like Grandpa looked at Grandma.
I've got a chance with the dogs. Not any of the ones I have right now. But maybe someday.
Posted by Daisym on July 14, 2005, at 12:59:21
In reply to Re: I actually really, really, really want some lo » crushedout, posted by Dinah on July 14, 2005, at 8:07:23
I think you've articulated the human condition and the damaging results of valuing "independence." It is one my therapist's favorite speeches, to tell me that being independent is overrated and that we would all do better if we were "inter-dependent" -- not dependent and not independent. Humans are essentially pack animals, it is in our nature to want physical contact. Look at the monkey attachment studies -- baby monkeys spent 90% of their time on the cloth, soft "mommy" instead of on the steel mommy who had food. We know that we all need more than food and water to stay alive.
I think what I want is intimacy with a special someone. I know I'm loved, without a doubt my kids love me, even my parents love me. I know my husband loves me. But it all feels like love predicated on being who they need me to be. I want someone to be intimate with, show my real self to, and I'm not talking about sex. It is that psychological merging that makes us feel whole. I think that is why cults get so popular, or gangs. You are part of a shared group, you aren't alone.
I wish you weren't too big to sit on your therapist's lap, crushed. But I hope she can make you feel held, and understood. I wish I could do that for you too.
(((crushed))))
Posted by crushedout on July 14, 2005, at 15:34:09
In reply to Re: I actually really, really, really want some lo, posted by Daisym on July 14, 2005, at 12:59:21
that's funny. i've been thinking about those monkey studies a lot lately, too. how i totally relate to the little monkeys clinging to the terry cloth mommies. how pathetic they looked! how adorable, too!pathetic and adorable. that's me.
i had therapy today and i tried telling my T about this post. i posted it on social last night at first and jyl wrote me back something really sweet and it made me cry and cry. i had a really hard time -- i just couldn't tell my t about the parts of the post that were about her. i was too embarrassed. i just printed it out (my post and jyl's) and i'm thinking about mailing it to her.
this is really confusing. i don't understand how i get this mommylove i need. i can't move on till i get it. how am i going to do that? i wish i was little and could sit on my t's lap, too, although i think that's actually more of a fantasy than a real desire.
i think you're right about it not really being about sex. the sexual aspects for me, are trying to make sure they need me, too. that's how i give back. what i need is love love love.
thanks daisy.
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