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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 13, 2005, at 16:58:09
Posted by rabidreader on July 13, 2005, at 16:56:19
What do you do when you are lusting after your therapist, having feelings for him, and being generaly distracted? Do you tell him or not? I'm aware of transference and that it's common.
Posted by happyflower on July 13, 2005, at 19:24:30
In reply to Repost: loving your therapist (rabidreader), posted by alexandra_k on July 13, 2005, at 16:58:09
I wouldn't, I would try to work it out on my own. It seems like those feelings do fade with time. So people feel they need to tell them, not me. Just enjoy the fantasy and it will become less of an issue. I have so many issues in therapy I am not going to pay 90 bucks for my T to "label " the feeling and basically tell you what us Babblers already know about transference anyways! I don't need rejection in my life, but if it is interefering with therapy and it has been interfering for a long time, then something should be said maybe to them. OR try writing out your feelings, that helps me, to read it, it helps get it out of my head.
Posted by Dinah on July 13, 2005, at 19:30:42
In reply to Repost: loving your therapist (rabidreader), posted by alexandra_k on July 13, 2005, at 16:58:09
I'd tell him.
Well, to be honest, there have been reports of poorly trained therapists responding badly and misinterpreting the ethics rules. Very sad, but true.
So I think I'd start out with telling him about reading this internet bulletin board where someone said that they were having feelings toward their therapists. (Won't be a lie, just search the archives here.)
Therapists aren't stupid. He should be able to communicate to you from that whether he wants to hear all your feelings, or if he's one of those unfortunate therapists who prefer not to discuss erotic feelings.
Something like that can become the pink elephant in the room. It's hard to properly do therapy with a big secret like that.
If he does respond unencouragingly, I have a link to an APA training video on how to properly handle erotic feelings from clients in therapy.
Posted by happyflower on July 13, 2005, at 19:51:47
In reply to Re: Repost: loving your therapist (rabidreader) » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on July 13, 2005, at 19:30:42
Posted by Dinah on July 13, 2005, at 20:00:38
In reply to Can you give us the link for the video? (nm) » Dinah, posted by happyflower on July 13, 2005, at 19:51:47
http://www.apa.org/videos/4310570.html
Just the description has lots of good info in it.
Posted by rabidreader on July 14, 2005, at 14:27:54
In reply to Re: Repost: loving your therapist (rabidreader) » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on July 13, 2005, at 19:30:42
Thank you for your messages. I am trying to do the right thing...I think it does interfere with my therapy on the one hand because I'm thinking about him so much outside of sessions. However, we do really good work in session and I would hate to lose that just because I couldn't handle my wrotic feelings for him. I will think more about your posts: some say tell, some say not to tell. My fantasies have been going on for about three months, is that normal or too long?
Posted by Tamar on July 14, 2005, at 19:47:33
In reply to Re: Repost: loving your therapist (rabidreader), posted by rabidreader on July 14, 2005, at 14:27:54
> Thank you for your messages. I am trying to do the right thing...I think it does interfere with my therapy on the one hand because I'm thinking about him so much outside of sessions. However, we do really good work in session and I would hate to lose that just because I couldn't handle my wrotic feelings for him. I will think more about your posts: some say tell, some say not to tell. My fantasies have been going on for about three months, is that normal or too long?
Three months sounds pretty normal to me. I don't think there's any such thing as 'too long'. I still have erotic fantasies about my former therapist and we finished therapy four months ago!
For the record, I did short term therapy (I saw him for six months) and I never told him. But I think if I had told him he would have been able to help me to feel better about it. It took me a while to reach that conclusion, but I got there in the end. I think ultimately it's all about trust.
Tamar
Posted by Susan47 on July 15, 2005, at 20:46:01
In reply to Re: Repost: loving your therapist (rabidreader) » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on July 13, 2005, at 19:30:42
Oh, Dinah, how I enjoyed your post ... and reading it, when you mentioned the pink elephant (I believe you've said it that way before, as well..) .. I saw my ex-T's therapy room, and me sitting on the couch, him the chair, and a five-foot high pink plastic ride-'em elephant on the floor between us, complete with the black stand and the coin slot attached.
And you are so, so right. In this case though I think it was me who couldn't discuss the erotic stuff. Not at all. Couldn't even come close to admitting how much I needed his (gasp.. "love") and approval. Which totally, completely closed me down, and the therapy as well.
Sigh. But I'll say I haven't seen him for several weeks, now .. and I still call almost every day, to get the machine, and remember him, get some essence of him from the voice. But it becomes impossible, at times, to even allow myself to think about him at all, because when I do, I think I let a wonderful opportunity slip through my fingers, the chance to make a "friend" in my life, because I became so emotionally blocked and over-excited. Hyperdrive, the limbic system was in hyperdrive, and I couldn't get it out, and I didn't want to, because loving and finding a man so beautiful and beautiful to be with, was spectacular.
Sigh. Heavy, heavy unbelievably relieving and very very sad, sigh.
Posted by Dinah on July 15, 2005, at 23:32:32
In reply to Re: Repost: loving your therapist (rabidreader) » Dinah, posted by Susan47 on July 15, 2005, at 20:46:01
It's good to hear you sounding so much stronger, Susan.
Posted by rabidreader on July 18, 2005, at 18:16:05
In reply to Re: Repost: loving your therapist (rabidreader) » Susan47, posted by Dinah on July 15, 2005, at 23:32:32
I'm glad that three months sounds okay and maybe not too long. Susan, I really related to your post. My T is also beautiful and a beautiful person. I'm glad you're doing better about your previous T's relationship. Did you tell him, and is that what shut out your sessions? I'm still trying to decided whether to say anything or not, for my health and sanity.
Posted by Susan47 on July 19, 2005, at 0:56:07
In reply to Re: Repost: loving your therapist (rabidreader), posted by rabidreader on July 18, 2005, at 18:16:05
I think what shut him down completely to me was my inability to communicate. He said my "transference is too strong". I'd like to ask him exactly what he means by transference, you know? Because for a long time I thought that was just a way of saying that I was too angry with him, I didn't trust him, I couldn't do that. But then when I showed that I thought I could, he still refused me. And I know I can, I know I really want to, now, but he would still refuse. He's afraid of my insistence, I think. You know, I did hound him. I think I frightened him terribly. And he must protect himself as well. He has a home and family and business to run. He can't be letting clients go astray falling in love with him and I am quite sure, judging by his persona and his behaviour, also his looks, that this happens to him fairly regularly. Not that all his clients go nuts over him, but I know women fall in love with him frequently. Because who wouldn't love someone caring and kind, and, as your therapist is also, beautiful to look at and listen to as well. I think it would be Hell, pure Hell, to be his wife. Can you imagine? It isn't something I'd ever want, he must be truly spectacular if his wife is secure in his love. Her, as well. Together they'd have to have a very strong relationship, very loving and considerate, kind and giving, on both sides, otherwise the outside pressures would be too much I'm sure. Lots of trust needed for that kind of man. Hm. But I do know men who're fabulous, and good-looking, at work .. and they seem to have all their manners in place, and I think they probably have good marriages too for the most part. But, they're not therapists, either. I don't know why I think that makes a difference. I suppose it's part of being a woman, making an emotional connection much easier than a man would ever even suspect. I think it's why we scare them.
I wish you luck, you know. I think you should definitely tell your therapist how you feel but wait until you know you trust him to like you enough not to dump you for your feelings. I told my ex-T far, far too soon, before I was really ready to process any of the emotional consequences. I just jumped into the deep end, and I almost drowned, really. And scared him as well. Do keep posting and tell us how it goes, it helps to be able to talk about it with others. Really.
Posted by rabidreader on July 20, 2005, at 18:47:08
In reply to Repost: loving your therapist (rabidreader), posted by alexandra_k on July 13, 2005, at 16:58:09
I posted this on another thread but I wanted you guys to know that today, my T that I have been attracted to and crushing on so desperately is LEAVING. He's going out of state to get his doctorate. I am completely devastated. PLEASE email me at: sweetstring@hotmail.com and let me know some advice. I don't know how to get through this.
Please help.
Posted by rabidreader on July 20, 2005, at 18:51:45
In reply to Re: Repost: loving your therapist (rabidreader) » rabidreader, posted by Susan47 on July 19, 2005, at 0:56:07
Thank you Susan for your post and I'm glad it helps to talk about it. I hope you will keep in touch because I just can't believe my T is leaving and I want to know how you've been getting through your loss. It sounds like you have come a long way and done lots of thinking about it. Any help would be appreciated while I'm going through this myself.
This is the end of the thread.
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