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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 3, 2005, at 5:43:30
...to call myself all kinds of horrible names. But I won't. I'm not too happy with myself.
I DO have a t.
But sometimes I forget that...
That sounds horrible.
But it is true.
She works with the uni councelling service.
She started seeing me when p-doc went on holiday for a month
And I was spinning out a bit
And so she saw me
And has been seeing me for most of this year.
I'm finding it really hard to feel attached to her.
I'm finding it really hard to remember that I see her much of the time.
I'm finding it really hard to think of her as my t.
Shes my t.
But I forget that.When I get down
When I ruminate a lot on how I'm not getting treatment I guess she just slips my mind.
(I know how awful that sounds)
I devalue her
(I know how awful that sounds)
By not thinking of her as my t
By not thinking of her as someone who is trying to help me
Who listens to me
Who doesn't judge me
Who does care.
What is wrong with me?????I guess part of it is hard because she doesn't really know anything about my dx. She doesn't usually see people with mental disorders.
She doesn't really know what to do with me.
But she asks me what sort of therapy I would like
And she listens to me
And she doesn't judge me
And she doesn't try and force me to change.
What is wrong with me?
Why do I get stuck in the 'nobody will see me' mode when she IS seeing me.
Even worse...
(Jeepers I feel bad)
I devalue her to her face :-(
I saw her today and kept saying I was going round and round about how nobody would work with me about how nobody would see me
AND SHE WAS RIGHT THERE
And when I see now that I did that I recoil from myself in horror.
What is wrong with me?????And I do this over and over again and I don't understand why.
I even said I was thinking of trying to make a meeting time with the lady who made the funding decision. That I really needed to try and get some sort of lawyer to come with me but didn't think I could manage it... And she asked if I'd like her to come with me. And I said 'yup'. But I said I'd still need a lawyer. Because I needed to make it clear to them that I DID have a right to treatment and that by not providing it they were denying me my right and so they couldn't do that. And that I'd request an inquirey and needed a lawyer to say what the likely outcome of that would be. And to make noises about compensation because that would likely scare the sh*t out of them a little more.
I guess I implied that yes I'd like her to come but that she wouldn't really be of any use.
And...
I guess I do think that.
:-(
What is wrong with me?
I don't understand.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 3, 2005, at 5:50:56
In reply to I have the urge..., posted by alexandra_k on June 3, 2005, at 5:43:30
...and then...
she said shed see me in two weeks because her schedule was full next week.
I know that is fairly likely to be b*llshit.
I could see her assessing my reaction when she said that.
She knows that I know that that is b*llshit.
But thats the way it is.
Im not going to see her for two weeks.
And I won't make any noises because (believe it or not) that really isn't my style...
But I guess she thinks that I don't care
That I don't really care
That I do devalue her
That she won't terminate me because she doesn't want to do that to me...
But that she is starting to withdraw
And I can't blame her because I am pushing her away
ANd I see it sometimes...
And I have tried to talk about it before...
That I know it sounds like I devalue her sometimes - but that I do appreciate her really.
But the problem is more that I don't seem to appreciate her really.
But I know that I should.
I really should.
And maybe this is why she is doing this...
Because I need to do something or I'm going to lose her because I can feel her withdrawing...
Not wanting to see me
And I can't blame her because all I do is whine and whinge about what OTHER people are not doing...And I need to do something or I'll lose her.
But I don't know if I can tell her that the problem is that I really don't seem to appreciate her.
And that I can see that that is a problem and I wish I did appreciate her.
I don't think I can tell her that...
I don't think I can.And part of the problem is that I don't trust her.
I do believe she is well intentioned.
But I don't believe she knows what she is doing
Or that she will be able to cope with me
She panicked last time I got sick
Threatened to tell the hostel manager that I was sick
Phoned p-doc and told him she had been working with me
Didn't know what to do with me
Didn't know that I needed to go to hospital
Couldn't do anything about getting me into hospital anyway...
Only call the CAT team...
And they won't do anything about me.I'm scaired...
Posted by Jazzed on June 3, 2005, at 7:15:07
In reply to Re: I have the urge..., posted by alexandra_k on June 3, 2005, at 5:50:56
I think you should print this out for yourself, and for your T. If she reads it she can help you more than keeping all of this to yourself. It sounds like she really wants to help you, but that you're holding back. If you can open up, she can help you, but if you can't you'll be at a standstill. If she's willing to go with you to plead your case for funding she might be more valuable than a lawyer who knows nothing about you. I'd discuss what's going to be said in the hearing, and how she can help you - w/o devaluing her. I think depersonalizing a T is common, just like liking them TOO much. It's a defense mechanism, but they are still human, and have feelings. I think you can see that. Open up to her, and maybe good things will happen for you.
Jazzed
Posted by Shortelise on June 3, 2005, at 12:08:37
In reply to Re: I have the urge..., posted by alexandra_k on June 3, 2005, at 5:50:56
(((Alexandra)))
Posted by pinkeye on June 3, 2005, at 16:26:24
In reply to I have the urge..., posted by alexandra_k on June 3, 2005, at 5:43:30
Many times life seems totally desperate and no hope and nothing. But somehow by God or some magic or time, it eventually works out.
I know you have been struggling with finding and working wiht a T for a long time now. I hope something decent works out for you. Hugs. Pinkeye. And the one thing that I learnt is that lots of stuff related to mental health takes years. So hang in there.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 4, 2005, at 2:35:03
In reply to Re: I have the urge... » alexandra_k, posted by Shortelise on June 3, 2005, at 12:08:37
Um.
I think I might just not go back.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 4, 2005, at 7:05:19
In reply to Re: I have the urge..., posted by alexandra_k on June 4, 2005, at 2:35:03
Maybe...
Maybe I have factitious disorder.
Psychological symptoms.
I've thought of that before...
Maybe it is true.
What is supposed to be the treatment??????
Therapy
HAHAHAHAHA
Sigh.
CBT
:-(
Posted by alexandra_k on June 5, 2005, at 22:53:50
In reply to Re: I have the urge..., posted by alexandra_k on June 4, 2005, at 7:05:19
Feeling a lot better now.
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20050513/msgs/508231.html
I've decided what to do about my t.
I hope I can do it
I hope I can do it
I can be such a coward :-(
But I think this is a good idea...
This is the end of the thread.
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