Posted by alexandra_k on June 3, 2005, at 5:43:30
...to call myself all kinds of horrible names. But I won't. I'm not too happy with myself.
I DO have a t.
But sometimes I forget that...
That sounds horrible.
But it is true.
She works with the uni councelling service.
She started seeing me when p-doc went on holiday for a month
And I was spinning out a bit
And so she saw me
And has been seeing me for most of this year.
I'm finding it really hard to feel attached to her.
I'm finding it really hard to remember that I see her much of the time.
I'm finding it really hard to think of her as my t.
Shes my t.
But I forget that.When I get down
When I ruminate a lot on how I'm not getting treatment I guess she just slips my mind.
(I know how awful that sounds)
I devalue her
(I know how awful that sounds)
By not thinking of her as my t
By not thinking of her as someone who is trying to help me
Who listens to me
Who doesn't judge me
Who does care.
What is wrong with me?????I guess part of it is hard because she doesn't really know anything about my dx. She doesn't usually see people with mental disorders.
She doesn't really know what to do with me.
But she asks me what sort of therapy I would like
And she listens to me
And she doesn't judge me
And she doesn't try and force me to change.
What is wrong with me?
Why do I get stuck in the 'nobody will see me' mode when she IS seeing me.
Even worse...
(Jeepers I feel bad)
I devalue her to her face :-(
I saw her today and kept saying I was going round and round about how nobody would work with me about how nobody would see me
AND SHE WAS RIGHT THERE
And when I see now that I did that I recoil from myself in horror.
What is wrong with me?????And I do this over and over again and I don't understand why.
I even said I was thinking of trying to make a meeting time with the lady who made the funding decision. That I really needed to try and get some sort of lawyer to come with me but didn't think I could manage it... And she asked if I'd like her to come with me. And I said 'yup'. But I said I'd still need a lawyer. Because I needed to make it clear to them that I DID have a right to treatment and that by not providing it they were denying me my right and so they couldn't do that. And that I'd request an inquirey and needed a lawyer to say what the likely outcome of that would be. And to make noises about compensation because that would likely scare the sh*t out of them a little more.
I guess I implied that yes I'd like her to come but that she wouldn't really be of any use.
And...
I guess I do think that.
:-(
What is wrong with me?
I don't understand.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:507232
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050528/msgs/507232.html