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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Angela2 on May 29, 2005, at 15:23:42
This is something I'd like to go over in therapy but haven't yet. I have no idea what she's gonna say. I think I'm skipping next session anyway. But I was wondering...how does one go about making friends and keeping them?
-Angela2
Posted by messadivoce on May 29, 2005, at 17:25:30
In reply to How does one be a good friend?, posted by Angela2 on May 29, 2005, at 15:23:42
Listen more than you talk (when it's not your turn to talk)
Call when you say you will
be unconditionally accepting
anticipate needs and try to fill them unexpectedly
laugh a lot
I have the bestest best friend in the world. She does all these things.
Posted by happyflower on May 29, 2005, at 19:05:34
In reply to Re: How does one be a good friend? » Angela2, posted by messadivoce on May 29, 2005, at 17:25:30
This is a good subject for me! I hope to get some tips on how to learn to trust people again and be friends.
Posted by Angela2 on May 29, 2005, at 20:25:02
In reply to Re: How does one be a good friend? » Angela2, posted by messadivoce on May 29, 2005, at 17:25:30
Thank you messadivoce. I agree with everything you said. Here's a list I have made of how I want to be a friend and who I want as a friend:
You make each other happy.
You see each other at least once a week or communicate somehow like email.
You keep their secrets.
You don’t discriminate or judge them. (i.e. if they told you something embarrassing about themselves you wouldn’t think they were stupid.)
Posted by Angela2 on May 29, 2005, at 20:36:21
In reply to Re: How does one be a good friend?, posted by Angela2 on May 29, 2005, at 20:25:02
Communicates when something is wrong, when they are upset.
Works problems out (at least, tries to).
Lets friend live their own life. If it isn't meant to be friendship, it isn't meant to be friendship.
Posted by Tamar on May 30, 2005, at 6:02:44
In reply to How does one be a good friend?, posted by Angela2 on May 29, 2005, at 15:23:42
> This is something I'd like to go over in therapy but haven't yet. I have no idea what she's gonna say. I think I'm skipping next session anyway. But I was wondering...how does one go about making friends and keeping them?
> -Angela2Sometimes it's easiest to make friends in small groups. Is there anywhere you can find a group of six to eight people who have something in common? It's usually possible to get into a small group at school or work or church or places like that. And you get to know a few people at a time. Sometimes groups can seem quite closed, but if the people in the group are worth becoming friends with they'll be willing to let you in. If a group doesn't want to let you in, they're probably not people you would want to spend time with anyway.
When I meet people I think would be nice to get to know, I usually suggest meeting for coffee or something like that. Sometimes they say yes; sometimes they say no. I try not to take the nos personally; I assume they're just too busy to make new friends or something like that.
As for keeping friendships: I think friendship requires effort and sensitivity on both sides. And you need to be yourself!
Posted by JenStar on May 30, 2005, at 12:10:40
In reply to How does one be a good friend?, posted by Angela2 on May 29, 2005, at 15:23:42
hi Angela2,
I agree with a lot of the posters - there is so much great advice here! My favorites are:Like Messadivorce said, listen more than talk. That's hard for me sometimes b/c I LOVE to talk. Sometimes I find myself cutting into a conversation, breaking in, and telling MY story. I know that's annoying. (My Mom told me once.) So since then I've tried very hard to always let people talk as looooong as they want, THEN I talk. It works!!
My other advice: Don't be too aggressive about calling & trying to get the relationship going at first. You'll need to make the first moves, like calling & asking them to coffee. But if they are not able to do it one week, don't call 3 or 4 times asking about it. Wait a while, then try again. I had one friend who just called me to death, and eventually I started phone screening her - she was just too "much" and I couldn't handle it.
And I guess my best advice is just to be sweet and friendly. Smile a lot. Compliment your friend genuinely on things he/she does well. Don't overdo it into "suck up" territory, but don't be afraid to be nice and to say nice things. Never compete with your friend - always be there as a support.
I also like the advice about calling when you say you will, and honoring your commitments.
You list sounded good, too! Do you have any potential friends in mind?
JenStar
Posted by Shortelise on May 30, 2005, at 13:50:47
In reply to How does one be a good friend?, posted by Angela2 on May 29, 2005, at 15:23:42
Making friends - I think doing things you enjoy doing and talking to people who are doing those things too could be a good way to make friends.
One of the most important things in friendship, for me, is forgiveness. My expectations have been high, way too high, and I've dumped some good friends because of it. What a mistake! So I've learned that one of the ways I can be a good friend is to try to be understanding.
Again it comes back to the "is this about me or is this about you" thing. Sometimes I have become so furious at someone, only to think it through maybe a year later - maybe ten years later - and finally understand that it was more about me than about anything my friend had done, and I'd really screwed up.
I have also learend to let my friends accept me as imperfect. I don't ask for unconditional love because a) I don't believe in it, and b) it's too much to ask of *me*, and c) it's an expectation that in the past has caused me the loss of friendships.
Realistic expectations. Meeting for coffee, going for a walk, talking about the garden or kids or birds or whatever. Down to earth, simple, quiet getting to know a person a little bit.
And kindess. That's a must in any relationship I have.
Practicing with my therapist has been a big help.
Hope this helps, Angela2.
ShortE
Posted by happyflower on May 30, 2005, at 13:59:33
In reply to Re: How does one be a good friend? » Angela2, posted by Shortelise on May 30, 2005, at 13:50:47
> One of the most important things in friendship, for me, is forgiveness. My expectations have been high, way too high, and I've dumped some good friends because of it.
I am so guilty of this. This is one of my biggest problems other than trust. I am so worried that they are going to hurt me, anything they do that might scare me, I dump them before they can hurt me. This is a big issue for me, one that will be tommorrow topic in therapy.
>
> >> Practicing with my therapist has been a big
help.How did you pratice this with your therapist? I really would like become better.
Posted by pinkeye on June 1, 2005, at 15:00:18
In reply to How does one be a good friend?, posted by Angela2 on May 29, 2005, at 15:23:42
I think there is no such thing as being a good friend, or good wife, or good child or anything. If you are basically a good person, all of these come to you automatically. Maybe there are some techniques that you have to learn for each of it, but essence would be coming out of your basic personality.
So that would be the thing to set right instead of trying out all these cosmetic things - how to be a good wife, how to be a good mom, how to be a good coworker - etc.. these are all little meaningless if your basic personality is set right.
It is like watering the root of the tree instead of trying to fix one leaf and another leaf here and there. I would start with trying to identify what it means to be a good person, and all these would be just following along after that.
Posted by Angela2 on June 1, 2005, at 22:11:29
In reply to Re: How does one be a good friend? » Angela2, posted by pinkeye on June 1, 2005, at 15:00:18
Pinkeye,
Hey! I like what you have to say! And I agree! Everyone else, I'm sure you are great friends! You thought of some great things!
This is the end of the thread.
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