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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Sarah T. on April 28, 2005, at 3:08:19
I'm uncertain whether I'm posting this question on the correct board. I have a relative who is the personification of spite. I try to have as little to do with this person as possible, but I have started wondering about the origins of spite. Have any of you ever read anything about what causes some people to become spiteful? The spiteful people I've known seem to remain that way their entire lives, and the malice permeates their whole being. Any thoughts?
Posted by Dinah on April 28, 2005, at 8:57:00
In reply to Trying to understand spite, posted by Sarah T. on April 28, 2005, at 3:08:19
I haven't extended my professional reading to the topic of spite (rueful self-deprecatory grin). But the spiteful people I have known are the ones who feel deprived themselves. Or insecure or unloved. So they are angry when they see others getting what they feel they've never gotten. Or feel they have to make others feel worse so that they won't feel so bad.
But that's just a guess. FWIW.
Posted by PM80 on April 28, 2005, at 9:24:56
In reply to Re: Trying to understand spite » Sarah T., posted by Dinah on April 28, 2005, at 8:57:00
I don't know, but I kinda agree with Dinah. Childhood also must play a HUGE role.
Posted by pinkeye on April 28, 2005, at 13:05:35
In reply to Trying to understand spite, posted by Sarah T. on April 28, 2005, at 3:08:19
AVOID THEM AND RUN AWAY AS FAR AS YOU CAN FROM THEM. NO USE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT CAUSES IT. THEY WILL END UP ONLY HURTING YOU ALL THE MORE.
I have personal experience with a colleague who was like this, and to my worst worst nightmare, I was even a little attracted to him in the beginning. Till today, I wonder whatever made me feel attracted to him in the first place. It was like a mystery to me and I wanted to solve it, and was drawn into that. His anger was so powerful and he was obviously struggling so much with it, and I thought I could help him. But guess towards whom his anger turned into? - Me.
Don't even think of trying to help this person. It is a complete waste. If there is one person, who I never ever want to see again in my life and absolutely hate from the core of my heart, it is this person.
Posted by Shortelise on April 28, 2005, at 17:34:18
In reply to Trying to understand spite, posted by Sarah T. on April 28, 2005, at 3:08:19
Interesting question.
Spite: petty ill will or hatred with the disposition to irritate, annoy or thwart. see Malice
I'd agree it comes from feeling deprived.
Sometimes a person feels higher if he can make someone feel lower.
It might also come from role models. If a parent models feeling "good" after spiteful behavior, maybe a child would keep repeating that ugliness.
I know you didn't ask, but I am thinking about ways of dealing with a spiteful person. I have found that telling my mother that I cannot listen to her complain about my father because it upsets me has pretty much stopped her from saying really terrible things to me about him.
What would happen if you asked the spiteful person why s/he is so mean? It has been moment when people have called me on behaviors that have changed those behaviors.
Hm.
ShortE
Posted by Sarah T. on April 29, 2005, at 23:15:39
In reply to Re: Trying to understand spite » Sarah T., posted by Dinah on April 28, 2005, at 8:57:00
Hi Dinah. Every you said makes sense and seems to fit the person I'm referring to.
Posted by Sarah T. on April 29, 2005, at 23:21:25
In reply to Re: Trying to understand spite » Sarah T., posted by pinkeye on April 28, 2005, at 13:05:35
Hi pinkeye. I know that staying away from spiteful people is the only healthy way to deal with them. It sounds as if you wouldn't want to discuss this further, but I am interested to know why he chose YOU as the object of his malice? Was it just because you happened to be there (i.e., in the wrong place at the wrong time)?
Posted by Sarah T. on April 29, 2005, at 23:36:46
In reply to Spite defined - what to do?, posted by Shortelise on April 28, 2005, at 17:34:18
Hi Elise,
Yes, I think you are right that the subjective feeling of deprivation can lead to spiteful behavior. Along the way, I've met several people who are able to make themselves feel better ONLY by putting others down. I think these people often engage in frequent "projection," that's obvious to everyone but themselves.I will give some thought to your last idea (confronting them about their behavior), but I don't think it would work in this particular case.
Posted by Sarah T. on April 30, 2005, at 0:39:34
In reply to Re: Trying to understand spite » Dinah, posted by Sarah T. on April 29, 2005, at 23:15:39
I meant "Everything you said," not "every you said." I guess I shouldn't post when I'm so tired.
Posted by tom_traubert on April 30, 2005, at 12:05:18
In reply to Oops » Sarah T., posted by Sarah T. on April 30, 2005, at 0:39:34
I think spite is possible the pinnacle of passive-aggressive behavior. They can't tell you what's wrong, or how they feel they've been wronged at the time they feel it, so they perform some action to SHOW you how you can go to hell.
They are also probably projecting way way too much onto your actions and intentions and want you to feel guilty for it. What a waste of time. I think the best way to defuse this person is to confront them every time you think they're trying to spite you, asking "Did I upset you in some way?" but then if the person is really f-d up theyll just say no and want to spite you even more for confronting them. Who knows?
Again, what a waste of time
tt
Posted by Dinah on April 30, 2005, at 12:14:06
In reply to Re: spite, posted by tom_traubert on April 30, 2005, at 12:05:18
It's so sad to think of the many more productive methods of coping they could use, and the many rewards they are missing. Leading them to feel more abused and more spiteful I would guess.
Posted by Sarah T. on April 30, 2005, at 14:35:05
In reply to Re: spite, posted by tom_traubert on April 30, 2005, at 12:05:18
I think you're right. Your post gave me the chills. Life is too short to waste on spiteful people.
Posted by pinkeye on May 1, 2005, at 21:56:46
In reply to Re: Trying to understand spite » pinkeye, posted by Sarah T. on April 29, 2005, at 23:21:25
I was the only woman at that time, and the rest were all guys. So that kind of singled me out. Plus I think I was very vulnerable at that time. I had just then moved to the US and was all alone, and missing my family and everyone back in my country and just way vulnerable. So I was an easy target.
This is the end of the thread.
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