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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LittleGirlLost on April 26, 2005, at 13:39:27
Hello...
I've been wanting to bring up a few things here and cooincidentally I saw the topics brought up recently. I'd appreciate any feedback.
About touch:
My current T is (I would say) psychodynamic and there is no physical contact whatsoever. Normally I am a person who does not like to be touched, but occasionally I will leave a session and wish I could have given her a hug. I know I can ask, and I also know that she has a right to refuse. The problem is that I just feel so dirty and untouchable that why would I even want to put her in that position of being asked. And if she says no (which I totally understand is her right), I would take it personally and feel completely rejected, not to mention stupid for even asking such a thing.My last T gave me a hug after every session. She was the one who brought it up by asking me if I wanted a hug as I was leaving one day. I got a hug after every session after that, and she always asked first, so I had the chance to say no too.
Sometimes I wish I can bring this up to my T, but I really don't know how. And it's weird because even when she walks me to the door, I stand a few feet away from her because I actually like my personal space, so then like now the thought of her hugging me freaks me out, yet there are times when I really do want it... at least I "think" I do.
About Love:
I was brought up in a house where love was never spoken. "I love you" was not said by or to anyone in my house or extended family; it was just unheard of!My last T told me she loved me. Actually came right out with, "I love you". I totally did not know how to respond; I froze. I didn't respond at all. One time she even asked if I heard her and I said yes. I just didn't know what to say. She didn't say it often, in fact, I think only twice in all the years I saw her. But I never said it back, and we never talked about it.
In my personal life, I never really told anyone I loved them. Yeah, maybe an occasional boyfriend (if I had to), but that's it.
I'm at a place now with T where I DO love her and want to tell her. Not just to say it, but because I actually feel it! It feels like it would be a breakthrough for me to actually be able to say it? Would it? Does that make sense? Yet I'd feel like a weirdo, and I'm not even sure how to say it... like I don't want to plan it out, I'd rather just catch myself off guard and allow it to spill out. (But I keep myself in such tight control to prevent these things from happening to begin with!)
Is it a breakthough that I even want to say it? The way I was brought up, not talking about feelings or anything personal, it's easier for me to say "F-You" to someone than to tell them I love them. (Not that I'm that type of person to say that to someone, but it feels easier, or more natural, if that makes sense).
Ugh! I need help with this stuff, please?
~LGL
Posted by thewrite1 on April 26, 2005, at 14:48:08
In reply to Recent threads combined.... need feedback, posted by LittleGirlLost on April 26, 2005, at 13:39:27
I don't know what to tell you about telling your T how you feel. It sounds like it would be a good step for you to be able to say it to someone and mean it. However, you should be prepared for your T not to say it back to you.
I say all this because I told my T once that I love her. She asked me what kind of love? I explained that it was more like the way a daughter loves her mother. She never said anything back and when I got brave, I asked her about it. She said something about feeling affection toward me that translated into love. I was really hurt for awhile, but I think I realized that she would have said she loves me if she wasn't afraid it would give me the wrong idea (lots of transference there). I guess what I'm saying is that I know she loves me whether she says it or not.
Posted by messadivoce on April 26, 2005, at 15:22:24
In reply to Recent threads combined.... need feedback, posted by LittleGirlLost on April 26, 2005, at 13:39:27
I would absoutely reccomend you bring up your desire for a hug or physical contact. From what I know, a T who is psychodynamic would not engage in any physical contact before discussing it the patient...what does it mean? Why do you want it? Would would it mean if we hugged? Those kinds of things. Even then, a T has a right to refuse.
My T was just as you say yours is--but when I brought up to him that I wanted to be hugged, we discussed it first. I felt much the same as you do--dirty and untouchable. My T handled my request with utmost sensitiviy. He told me that he was sorry he couldn't hold me/hold my hand, but that he could hold me in other ways, which I guess would go back to that thread on psychological holding. Much later, close to termination, I asked him for a hug, and he did hug me. I think had he refused, it would have altered my ability to trust him, and crushed me. I think that hug was a part of my treatment, after being carefully thought out and discussed.
As for telling my T that I loved him. I did tell him that once in the middle of my treatment, and although he didn't say it back, he said how glad he was that I told him. Then in my last session I told him I loved him and he told me that he loved me, too. I think telling your T you love her would be really important, even if she doesn't respond in kind. I think it's more important that you are able to express your feelings than to look for reassurance that she loves you back. But it sounds like you guys are on the way to builing a solid relationship, and it wouldn't surprise me in the least if the affection and warmth she feels for you would translate into a kind of limited, speical love that therapists feel for their clients.
Posted by daisym on April 26, 2005, at 23:07:48
In reply to Recent threads combined.... need feedback, posted by LittleGirlLost on April 26, 2005, at 13:39:27
My therapist would want you to be honest about how you are feeling. "Everything goes in here" is one of his favorite sayings. We recently talked about how much I cared about him (did not use the word love) and how surprised I was by that and how wrong it felt. I've admitted to being very attached for awhile. He asked me why I had been separating "caring" from "attached" -- I think I was worried, as you are, about how the word would be received. We had sort of an intense discussion about how scary it is to care for someone and the risks you must take.
As far as wanting to be hugged or held, those feelings are powerful sometimes, aren't they? I've said more than once, "I'd really like to hug you but if you come near me, I'll bolt." It is the little kid parts of me that are yearning for that kind of comfort. I find this to be really true after sharing some intense memory.
Everytime I find the courage to talk about these feelings, I find that the relationship deepens and I get the tiniest bit more comfortable with the idea that he cares about me too.
I hope you have the same experience.
Posted by LittleGirlLost on April 27, 2005, at 12:48:02
In reply to Re: Recent threads combined.... need feedback » LittleGirlLost, posted by thewrite1 on April 26, 2005, at 14:48:08
> It sounds like it would be a good step for you to be able to say it to someone and mean it. However, you should be prepared for your T not to say it back to you.
It's weird, but I actually don't want to hear it in return. I mean it would be nice to hear, and she actually does show it in her actions, but I think it kinda scared me when my last T said it.
> I say all this because I told my T once that I love her. She asked me what kind of love? I explained that it was more like the way a daughter loves her mother.
Exactly!! May I ask you "how" you told her?
I don't really want to plan it out (unlike everything else I say), but it also seems so scary to just blurt out!>I guess what I'm saying is that I know she loves me whether she says it or not.
I completely agree and maybe that is why I don't necessarily want/need to hear it.
~LGL
Posted by thewrite1 on April 27, 2005, at 13:20:14
In reply to Re: Recent threads combined.... need feedback » thewrite1, posted by LittleGirlLost on April 27, 2005, at 12:48:02
I think I just told her that I had "feelings of love" for her, and then she took it from there. She didn't make a huge deal out of it, but she did ask me about the feelings and what I would relate them to. I should add that one of the biggest reasons I'm in therapy is due to maternal issues, so I think it was a big step for me to be able to trust her in that way.
It's probably best if you don't plan out what you're going to say, and I think blurting it out if it's really difficult to say is okay, too. If your T is good at what she does, she'll realize why you blurted it to begin with. Good luck. I hope it all goes well for you.
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