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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by mair on March 28, 2005, at 5:54:13
I'm pretty sure I'm in one as is my pdoc now and my T. I haven't felt this awful in years. I always go through low periods, but for the last umpteen years I've faced them (or tolerated them) with the confidence that my depressive feelings were transitory. And that's what I tend to say to every suicidal person on this Board.
I was slow on the uptake, but at some point I realized that I really was more depressed than usual, that it had gone on for longer than I knew, and, worst of all, that it was starting to feel permanent and hopeless. I probably let it go too long because I tend to think that poor functioning is a character defect, unrelated to an illness when in fact, according to my T, thinking this way is a symptom of my illness.
I've been trying to compare this to my last major episode. I had a hard time working then but I was naive enough not to know what was ahead and I just sort of turned myself over to my pdoc/T. Under no circumstances did I know then that I'd never really end my need for therapy. I do think I was more accepting of being ill too; not necessarily more forgiving, but at least willing to acknowledge to myself that I was sick.
This seems different because I know more now about how awful it can be and how long it can last. And with one kid in college and another only a year off, I feel so much more money pressure now than I did last time. So my poor functioning at work just gives rise to an awful level of anxiety, which of course paralyzes me from getting anything done, and I start wondering how much damage will have been done when/if i snap out of this. Waking up at 4 am on a sunday feeling panicked about the coming work week is no fun.
I've started a new med but it will be weeks before I know if it's going to work for me and I don't feel like I have weeks to wait - sometimes I don't feel like I can live for another hour much less weeks. Also I'm starting to sleep so poorly, so I'm just dragging around most of the time. My T is trying to be doubly supportive - calling me to check up on me a couple of times but I don't really know how to lean on her. I really mentally (and physically) isolate myself when I'm depressed, and I tend to think that our sessions now aren't very productive because I can't constructively stick with one topic anyway. So calling her when things seem unbearable doesn't seem like it would be helpful.
It's been hard for me to think about posting here too. I feel like I do too much whining here and with so much anxiety and not alot of concentration, I have some trouble following through with threads.
I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up until "this", whatever it is, has passed and I can get my old, very imperfect, self back. She wasn't real productive either, but she had her better moments.
So that's where I am.
Mair
Posted by fallsfall on March 28, 2005, at 7:13:34
In reply to depression with a capital D (whining), posted by mair on March 28, 2005, at 5:54:13
Your therapist *can* help with this. I know that the sessions don't seem "productive" to you, but they really are. Please stick with it and lean on your therapist as you can.
Mair, have you seen "What the Bleep do we Know?" It is out on DVD now. It has a spiritual component that may not be helpful, but I found it very helpful in understanding how the physical and chemical "wiring" works, and why it is hard to change. This knowledge has given me more patience in my own therapy.
Boy can I relate to the "Let me just sleep through this and wake up when I'm 'better'". But it doesn't work that way. I'm sorry. It does take active effort on our part to come out of these depressions (though others say that we come out naturally - eventually - that hasn't been true for me).
It is so hard to fight your way out when you are depressed. But it is worth the fight. And the fight itself can teach you a lot.
Wanna meet halfway for ice cream?
Posted by Dinah on March 28, 2005, at 8:35:05
In reply to depression with a capital D (whining), posted by mair on March 28, 2005, at 5:54:13
Well, certainly don't worry about it here. Many of us been at the point where posts longer than a (nm) seem daunting to comprehend.
One foot in front of the other, Mair. Sometimes that's as far as I can bear to look. Not a week ahead or an hour ahead. But maybe just a foot in front of me. Hold on and watch that next step. Like people at a height can't look down, just concentrate on that next step.
Intellectually you know this will pass, but it's hard to communicate that to the gut. So concentrate on soothing the gut with lots of taking care of yourself?
With you on the work. I've just decided that my goals are unreachable, and I'm deciding what strategy to take from here. And worrying about meeting my yearly quota of hours. :(
Posted by mair on March 28, 2005, at 13:43:46
In reply to Re: depression with a capital D (whining) » mair, posted by fallsfall on March 28, 2005, at 7:13:34
Thanks for the invitation. I'll take a rain check until it gets significantly warmer and sunnier than it is now. I'm definitely a summertime ice cream eater.
I'll try to find the DVD. I feel so ignorant about this stuff.
It's just so overwelmingly discouraging to be in this position again.
Thanks
Mair
Posted by mair on March 28, 2005, at 13:58:04
In reply to Re: depression with a capital D (whining) » mair, posted by Dinah on March 28, 2005, at 8:35:05
I'll try the one foot at a time thing, but my feet feel so heavy now. Like I'm moving in slow motion.
I know my T wants to talk about work in more detail, particularly reviewing old history to try to explore why it's such a source of distress. In my present frame of mind, I don't have the patience to look at anything carefully. As soon as she starts introducing the topic, my eyes just glaze over.
This morning I worked out of my house and went into the office right after lunch. I didn't plan it this way; I just couldn't face going in and was really tired from very little sleep. I didn't accomplish much at home either, but it was so much quieter, and I didn't have the constant anxiety I feel waiting for phone calls I don't want to take. So maybe I'll try that more.
Oh to be independently wealthy. I'd probably still work but maybe I wouldn't get as stressed.
mair
Posted by Shortelise on March 28, 2005, at 15:43:31
In reply to depression with a capital D (whining), posted by mair on March 28, 2005, at 5:54:13
Mair, you may be the one who always says that depressive feelings are transitory, but I am the one who says EXERCISE.
Get the neighbourhood pitbull to chase you around the block, hire a mugger to scare you into running away down the street, go for a walk in a bear-infested wood so you can run from bears, get someone you dislike to go for a walk with you and give them a cattle prod to keep you going.
We get endorphins from exercise. There is nothing, according to some very smart people, that helps depression more than exercise.
What I do when I am in the depths of it, is ask my husband or a friend to get me out, to help me move. I can't do it alone sometimes - sometimes I can.
In the past I had an awful problem with anxiety at night. Just like you, I'd wake up in the very early morning, eaten with anxiety. I found a couple of things that helped. One is telling myself that nothing is accomplished by worry. The other is breathing, deep breathing, and repeating whatever I need to hear over and over in my head - y'know, an affirmation.
Both exercise and affirmations can move us out of the mental loop we get into. When we are depressed, we are in a kind of repeat mode, we keep going on and on in the same neural pattern - that's why electro-shcok therapy works for some. Walking and thinking can alter that loop. As can bouncing a ball, playing chess, anything that is new or forces us to use a different part of our brains. I even try writing with my left hand just to change my frame of mind!
My explanation of this is simplistic because my understanding of it is not profound. But it can really help.
Today for you I am a warm bit of sun that seeks you out and shines into your mind, so warm, so bright.
ShortE
Posted by gardenergirl on March 28, 2005, at 21:28:12
In reply to depression with a capital D (whining), posted by mair on March 28, 2005, at 5:54:13
Posted by mair on March 28, 2005, at 21:58:09
In reply to ((((((mair)))))))) (nm), posted by gardenergirl on March 28, 2005, at 21:28:12
Posted by mair on March 28, 2005, at 22:03:34
In reply to Re: depression with a capital D (whining), posted by Shortelise on March 28, 2005, at 15:43:31
you're so right although I'm sure you know how tough it is to force yourself to exercise when you have no energy. And frankly I just sort of forget about it. My T has been after me about this too. I do have one friend I walk with on occasion and I told her tonight that I need to do more of that. So there's a step, right?
I have a mostly unused membership to a gym - usually it seems like too much of an ordeal to get over there. I much prefer just walking but where I live we are in the middle of mud season and my gravel road is very very muddy.
I wish I had you to walk with me. It sounds like I definitely wouldn't get away with ambling. (-;
thanks
mair
Posted by Dinah on March 28, 2005, at 22:28:47
In reply to Re: depression with a capital D (whining) » Dinah, posted by mair on March 28, 2005, at 13:58:04
Ooh, I'm ducking phone calls right now too. It just isn't productive to take them, because their net effect is to cause me to sit for a half hour or so staring straight ahead in total despair.
I've been having my secretary respond to the "when's this going to be finished" calls. :( Not good, but better than bursting into unprofessional tears I suppose.
Posted by fallsfall on March 29, 2005, at 7:43:09
In reply to Re: depression with a capital D (whining) » Shortelise, posted by mair on March 28, 2005, at 22:03:34
http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product_listing.gsp?cat=195796&path=0%3A5438%3A185443%3A195796
http://www.let-it-rain.com/women-rainboots.html
Or - if you have small feet you can go for the really good ones: http://www.let-it-rain.com/children-rainboots.html
Posted by mair on March 29, 2005, at 8:39:44
In reply to Re: depression with a capital D (whining) » mair, posted by fallsfall on March 29, 2005, at 7:43:09
How funny! What's really amusing is to think of the horror on my daughter's face (and husband's too) if I paraded out in any of those models. We're all too conventional.
I can slog through the mud in my basic boring Bean boots with the leather uppers and rubber lowers - purchased several years ago when I got sick of freezing on the sidelines of kid soccer games which were never postponed for rain or cold, both of which, as you know, we have in abudance starting in mid October.
Thanks for the chuckle.
mair
Posted by mair on March 29, 2005, at 8:54:54
In reply to you're unbelievable!, posted by mair on March 29, 2005, at 8:39:44
This is the end of the thread.
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